The love of my life is unwilling to have kids. What should I do?

Question

I didn't believe in soulmates until I met mine. We are so right for each other on so many levels. However, she's 14 years older at 44. She has a 12 year old and isn't going to start this process over again at her age. I'm 30 and I really would like to have kids one day. We've been together 7 years and we're still like newlyweds. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her. Yet, I can't ignore my innate desire to have children. Adoption's out of the question, as she doesn't want to raise a small child again (her previous childrearing came with many, many hardships). What should I do?

Answer 1

I'd say that you have to choose exactly what is more important to you.

Do you Really want to Lose a Soul-mate over a future/possible child???

I'd go with the present and count the "already" as a blessing.

Answer 2

First of all, this should have been discussed prior to marriage. You would have known right away how she felt. However, since that is no longer possible, you have a very difficult choice to make and it is one that I don't envy. Is having a child that important to you? Or, are you willing to sacrifice what it is that you want for your wife?

I have three kids; all with special needs, and can no longer have kids--surgery. I had a hard time with the kids as babies. If your wife's experience was like mine, I don't blame her one bit. It may have been such a horrible experience for her that she will never get over the mental hurdle of such an experience. You have to be able to understand her feelings and she yours. Given that, are you willing to accept your wife as she is--someone who no longer wants kids--or will this issue continue to cloud your marriage and, eventually, cause you to be resentful because you denied yourself for her?

To me, a key part of love is acceptance of people as they are, good and bad. You need to realize that a 14 year age gap is huge. There are experiences between ages 30 and 44 on levels I cannot begin to explain, but it starts with maturity. At 30, I was having my first child, but I had no idea of what I truly wanted from life. I am now 41 and now know what it is that I want. I realize that people are different, but your wife is at a different place than you are--that is reality. She's done her childbearing and she has every right to call it quits--it is her body. Now, you need to decide if you are willing to accept that fact and be at peace with it or risk becoming resentful over it.

Another thing to consider is that you have a wonderful opportunity to make a difference in a child's life NOW. Why are you looking at it like there is no child here? Or, is it because the child isn't truly "yours," in your mind? I got news for you: once you married your wife, you took on the responsibility of raising her child and that makes you just as much of a parent as if you had a newborn baby. Not changing the diapers or not waking up for that "2:00 am feeding" does not make you any less of a parent. You ARE a parent, like it or not. That's the bottom line.

What it boils down to is this: what is it that you want and what are you willing to do/sacrifice to get it? I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Yes, as others said, you have to choose between a baby and her.

A lot of people want to raise children so they can have a sort of immortality by proxy, they want their child (adopted or biological) to live on for them and carry on their legacy... this is not good.

Some people enjoy the power trip of shaping a child's mind and identity; they like feeling like they have the power to turn a child into a good person... this is not good.

What is your reason for wanting a child? If she already has a 12-yr-old, you can be a caring person in that child's life... why would you insist on a younger child unless it was for some selfish reason? The proper motivation for parenting a child is because the child needs love and care, not because of your own desires.

Look inside yourself... maybe it will take a year or two but with careful introspection maybe you can realize your real reasons for wanting to raise a child.

Answer 4

Having a child at 44 can be very risky so I understand her concerns. If I were you I'd just be happy that you have such a fantastic woman who is your soulmate who you are in such deep love with. That doesn't happen too often. It sounds like you're just going to have to choose between her and no children or someone else and children. You have to figure out what's more important. I'm sorry I can't do more, but ultimately, you have to make this decision. Take care.

Answer 5

Why don't you ask this wonderful woman if she would consider letting you be the stay at home parent for another baby. Perhaps she has a fear of losing her independence, career or life to another child - we all know how demanding a child can be, but if you are at home, while she continues to work, perhaps she will not see the new addition to the family as such a threat to her life, but more as an addition to the amazing relationship that you appear to have.

Stay at home Dads are very common these days. Babies don't need their mothers with them all the time, there are perfectly good meal substitutes, and anything she can do, you can do just as well with very little practice.

If she will consider carrying the baby and delivering it 9 months later, compensate that by telling her that you would like to be this child's primary carer.

Best of luck... I hope you get to share in the magic of your own child.

Answer 6

You can face reality, for her to have another child at this age would not only be a long expensive process, with not too great a chance for success, but it might compromise her health. There is nothing you can do, with her because of her age. If adoption is out of the question, then its obvious she doesn't even want to raise another child and that's understandable. If you want to stay with her, and apparently you do then you will have to come to terms with your own childlessness. That is the only thing you can do and be happy, sure, you could have a child with another woman, but understand she would throw you out on your cheating butt and never have the child in the house. So that's not really and option is it? If you realize this and still can't make peace with it, then consider a psychologist for yourself so you can. This isn't a couples counseling thing because she is perfectly comfortable with this and you aren't.
Think of this, suppose you gave her up an found another woman and then found out one of you couldn't concieve, would you keep leaving women until one of them got pregnant?

Answer 7

I would have to say that maybe you should within your soul figure out and define what soul mate really means to you, In my definition it's the one love of your life that is exactly the the other half of you. I think if she is not willing or doesn't want more children and you do then maybe she really isn't the one for you and if she wouldn't even consider adoption just because of hardship's that she has had in the past maybe she really doesn't love you enough. My husband and i have been together for 8 yrs. and i can't say that he is my soul mate but i can say he is the love of my life and honey there is nothin that i would not do for him. I love and trust him enough to know that he would never want in his life to hurt me or anything like that. Maybe you should talk to her and make her understand that everything in life doesn't have to have a bad ending.

Answer 8

You should have had that talk BEFORE you got married. If she doesn't want any more kids, then she doesn't want any more kids. If you wanted children, then you should have married someone who wanted kids.
If you can't act like an adult and talk like one, what are you doing married in the first place...

(and no I don't have kids and yes I am married, 28 yrs to the same man...I TOLD every man I ever met I wasn't going to have kids. I knew at 11 yrs old I wasn't going to be a good parent.
My soulmate was gay...WE didn't get married...)

Answer 9

My husband and I have chosen not to have children and were lucky that we both felt the same way. So my opinion may be a little biased. But I do think that if you love her as much as you say you do, you'll respect her decision and not press the issue. I cannot imagine anyone leaving the love of my life over this. What if it were physically impossible for her to have children. Would you consider leaving her if that were the situation?

Answer 10

That is a very tough question but you have every right to be concerned. I want you to think about you for a minute right now. Yes ur love for her is strong but your desire to have a child is strong. I want u to think about your true desire. If my husband didn't want kids we probably wouldn't be married. I've always wanted to be married WITH children. So think of what is most important, if u can sacrifice your desire to be with her then that's fine. If you cannot get over the desire, talk it over and let genuinely know that it's important. From there on....you decide. Either accept or leave it. It's up to you and you are most important to you.