please help my gf and ex wife hate each other and I'm afraid my 8yr old son will suffer opposite?

Question

i'm engaged to a wonderful women but i'm afraid she maybe pushing herself into the stepmom role to soon.she means well but this drives my ex crazy.for example my gf wants to go to parent/teacher conferences(which i love but my ex hates) with me.my ex is a very bitter vengeful controlling person who made my life hell when i was with her.my gf is totally opposite and i would love her to be involved with my son.the problem is this makes my ex crazy and and i want to do whats best for my son.i have told my gf to back off on the stepmom stuff for now but this has made her upset.she feels i should stand up for her to my ex but i just see it as making it easier for my son by going along with my ex for now.hopefully when she finds a bf things will get better but in the mean time how should i handle this?

Answer 1

Your son comes first.

You need to tell your girlfriend that she will always come before your ex-wife, there's never a contest, but your son has to come before her. She can defend and protect herself but your son can't. She never has to deal with your ex alone, but your son does. You have to do what's best for him because he can't deal with this on his own and she can deal with it with your support. She isn't a young child being torn between his parents and a step-mom that loves him, but he is. She is a kind, caring, loving, adult and and the ex isn't - so you have to consider your son first. As he gets older he'll be better able to deal with the situation emotionally, and the ex should move on too, and things will change for the better.

You should also pull the school counselor/teachers aside and explain the issue. It will help them to understand and maybe avoid future conflicts. It's also possible that you could shedule conferences with different teachers with the ex and the g/f, or that they may accomodate you and do all with both. I assume a conference with the three of you together would be out of the question...

Answer 2

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Answer 3

The only people responsible for this child are his mother and father. Yes this is your fiance but her wanting to be up under you for every parental function with your child is unnecessary. No one else was in the picture when you and your ex made this child. Parent/teacher conferences should really just be you and the mother. This doesn't mean that you are disrespecting your fiance. I think it is really disrespectful to the mother to have another woman included in those kind of settings where your child's educational rearing is being discussed. Not saying that your fiance should never be included in things but certain things should be left to just the parents.

You and your ex should sit down and watch the movie StepMom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. It took awhile but finally they all got to the point where they got along. When the serious discussions came up that involved the kids...pay close attention to the fact that the StepMom was not around during those discussions.

Answer 4

I think you should stand up for her. You clearly are doing it because it drives your ex crazy, you said it 2 times. You are all adults and if you are going to marry this women, you need to find a compromise, and your ex needs to get over it. At least your fiance isn't mean to your son and actually wants to be involved. I think that is what is good forr your son, not some lady that lives with his dad, but has nothing to do with his everyday life. That would be confusing. You should've stayed with your ex if you cared so much about what makes her happy.

Answer 5

I am sorry to say this but your gf, has to back off. When it comes to divorce, the biggest problem is parents afraid of being replaced. how would you feel if your wife had a bf who wanted to do all the things you do with your son. Great for your son, but it would hurt you. Your gf sounds like a great person and should understand, she is not his mother and never will be, so she needs to slack it a bit. I know this because I am a step mom. She should be trying to resolve this tension between your ex and gf. that would be best for your son!

Answer 6

Ok.. first, does ur gf live with u? if so , "YOU ARE" the one putting her in the "step mom" role, if ur living as husband and wife just with out the marriage license, its still the same.. does she cook, clean, help look after ur son? like a mom would while ur son is with u ??? then ur putting out the message of "be his step mom but only when its convient to me" , now if u dont live together.. then u need to explain to her, that when things get to a level of that kind of commitment.."moving more towards the likely hood of possibly being married" then that will be the time to start actting more like a step mother when theres a more permenant commitment involved..

Now, if u are doing the "be a step mom when its convient to me " type thing and it is looking very promising of having a real future together, then yes u should stand up for her, AS LONG as she understands she's more of a "silent" partner in this situation.. meaning, she should be right next to at all times when dealing with the x wife, but she should remain silent..and let u do the talking.. when u get home, then u both discuss how things will affect both of ur lives..not just u at that point, but u should always be a united front to ur x wife, eventually she'll get use to it.. or get tired of not being able to divide and conquer..the two of u..

So with out knowing the dynamics of ur relationship at this point with the gf.. its really hard to say.. but u cant expect her to act like a step mother in one moment, then not the next either she is , or she isnt..and u cant have it both ways..

If ur x wife is a mature woman, and this relationship with ur gf is going strong, then u need to tell her , sorry it upset us but shes going to be in mine, and our sons lives for along time, and it would make life much easier on everyone involved if u can respect everyones place in our childs life..

So u need to decide at what level u and ur gf are on, on how to react to all of this.. if this girl could be the next Mrs. then u need to defend her, and stick up for her.. but if ur not sure, or its no where close to getting to that point, then she should back off at this point..

Answer 7

Why not set up a separate parent/teacher conference for you and your girlfriend to go to? There really is no reason why either of you should have to attend those with your ex.

Your girlfriend needs to watch her back, too. I was married to a man with an ex who sounds just like yours. I did my level best to be a good stepmom to my 2 stepkids, but found myself on the receiving end of countless false reports to child protective services. After 2 years of that, she finally got a caseworker that would buy into her line of garbage. My husband and I were told that we either could give up his two to their mother (we had custody) or she would remove all 5 of our children from us. Needless to say, the kids went to their mom. It still took another full year before CPS was out of our lives, but I live in constant fear of them invading my home again.

Answer 8

You're in a hard spot (but you already know that). You have a great girlfriend who's ready, willing and able to step up and play the role of stepmom. Unfortunately, your ex will hate that, with a passion.

I think you're doing the right thing, have your gf gradually start playing more of a maternal role - hopefully, by doing it little by little, your ex will get used to it and, before you know it, she will have accepted your girlfriend's new role.

Answer 9

hi i understand where your coming from i'm the ex in my situation but were all friends (now),
i have had problems with my ex's gf but i have only ever had one thing that i stick with and for her to not tell my kids what to do when i'm around,i am not controlling as this only hurts the kids when they see it .
yes i have gotten upset and yelly but it is hard at first to see someone else trying to tell ur kids what to do .
so i think if you just ask your gf to keep calm and just slow down your ex might give in.
and if that doesn't work don't tell ex that gf is going with you.
(which my ex did a few times).

Answer 10

You should be thankful that your fiancee has an interest in your son and wants to be a part of his life (going to school functions). Since you are going to marry her, I suggest that you start allowing her to be involved in your son's life. Your ex has to get over it, to wait until she finds a bf is putting her needs over your fiancee. Also, to take the ex to parent/teacher mtgs, without your fiancee is inappropriate- what if she did the same thing to you? Bet that wouldn't make you happy. What is best for your son is that all three of you get along, so work on the best way for all of you to remain civil to each other, you are going to be in each other's lives for a long time. Allow your fiancee to participate in your son's life, and tell your ex to accept her.