This may be the last draw....?

Question

Husband is letting his brother , who is schizophrenic live with us because he has no where else to go. He left the hospital he had been at for the past 3 years because...in his mind he needed a change. His brother who has a history of hurting people when not taking his medicine scares the crap out of me and my two teenage boys. My husbands mother will not let him come there because she is afraid of him, but has made my husband feel guilty about not doing anything to help. His other 2 siblings wont help because they are also afraid of him. But apparently it is ok for his wife and kids to be afraid. He has been here for 3 weeks now and I feel like enough is enough. My husband says his brother has no one else and no where else to go. I said I am taking the kids and getting the hell out. Any feedback welcome.

I have been with my husband for 20 years and this family stuff did not get real bad until his dad passed away 5 years ago. Since then every crisis his mom has , she puts on him. If he is unwilling to help she cries and whines and like I said makes him feel guilty.

He clearly has not been taking his medicine. He talks to himself constantly and starts weird conversations. I have helped my husband , I have given him numbers to call and tried repeatedly to explain how I feel about the situation.

Answer 1

You need to call around and acquire about other forms of permanent housing in the form of state aid. . Well, not you... your husband. He is putting his family in danger. Surely, he does not expect this to be a permanent solution. You should take the kids and move out until other arrangements can be made for this guy. If your husband feels guilty now, how will he feel when his wife or one of his boys winds up in the emergency room?? You have a time bomb with a history under your roof.. not a healthy environment for anyone under that roof. Go, girl !!

Answer 2

First off...if you are in the U.S.....and he is diagnosed schizophrenic and he can't hold down a job because of his condition then he is most probably diagnosed by the state as disabled....he should receive money from the state because of his condition. If he is not diagnosed and on disability then your husband should help him get this done by contacting an attorney who specializes in this field.

If he does have disability income then he can be placed into an assisted living home with that money. Is your husband taking any money from him to support him? Use that money for another place to live. If he doesn't like living in the hospital it is one thing...but see if he can be placed in another more home-like setting with that money. You have a computer obviously, so research affordable assisted living homes in your area or in your state. Show your husband that there are other options.

I also want to say that getting mad at your husband is not the way to go...I think you should put yourself in his shoes and understand that this is his brother and he loves him. It is not like the brother did anything to harm you...you are not even positive that he will do anything to harm you. I would think that if your husband has been with you for 20 years that he must love you and that he must feel confident that his brother will not hurt you or your children if he is letting his brother live there. You may be overreacting about the harm thing. Remember you married him for better or for worse....help him find another solution instead of butting heads with him over this and insinuating that he cares for his sick brother more than you and your kids.

I have a brother who is sick like this and it is definitely a sickness..it isn't something that he chooses, it is an imbalance that he can't control and sometimes the medicine seems worse to people with this condition - some meds can be like trading one sickness for another. There are so many people that are affected by a person living with this condition, no decision is easy to make, but YOU have to take all the others into consideration also, and not only think of yourself when pressuring him to make a change.

Answer 3

Instead of leaving, you need to get your husband to confront all the family, and they need to collectively find a facility for the brother. You can't expect him to completely abandon his brother, and it sounds like you're not be proactive in helping him figure out how to help his brother. I am sure if someone in your family needed help, you would help that person out as well.

You said he has been there 8 weeks. Has there been any sign that the brother is having any serious problems? Or, has it been somewhat uneventful. If it has gone 8 weeks, and you haven't left, then it would seem that nothing has really happened.

Don't listen to these people just telling you to leave and make him choose you over his brother. You should never put your spouse in a position to have to choose. That is just wrong. You and the kids are his family, but this brother is his family. And, it is a great thing that he will step up and help out his family when they need it. I am willing to bet that he would do the same thing if someone in your family needed help as well.

My advice is to help him figure out a way to help his brother, get him out of the house, and not have to abandon him like the rest of the family did.

Answer 4

There are half-way homes for those adjusting from hospital to home life for people like your husband's brother. If his own mom is afraid of him, I would be concerned for my children.

I understand your husband's dilema, but I would get in touch with your local state's Office of Mental Health, get the brother a social worker/caseworker, and find a professional to help him get on his own two feet and out of the house you are raising kids in. I don't know why a hospital would release anyone dangerous, so I assume he is not at this time considered a threat to you or yours. In the same token if you feel threatened or scared by him or his behavior, then it is your job to remove you and your children to safety until this can be worked out. Don't ask your husband to chose. That isn't right. Put yourself in his shoes. If it was your sister or brother, you'd want him to stand by you while you did the right thing, right? I am not saying I think the brother should live there. I do not think he should. It is not what he needs either. He needs a structured plan to secure his own independence. Call the Mental Health department and get him the help he needs. Call the hospital he was released from and get the names/addresses/numbers of the homes people are usually released to and any contacts you can. If your husband knows you are on his team, but do not feel safe, you can handle this without threatening your marriage and relationship.

Answer 5

I'm wondering why most the answers here are getting a thumbs down. I think most of these answers are good advise, and I agree with the majority......schizophrenics that don't take their meds are a risk to anyone around them. You should definately do something to keep your kids away from your brother-in-law. It's a sad situation, because he is your husbands family and he feels responsible. But....you need to do what ever you can to protect your sons and yourself. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I share the same problem with you so i undrestand what you are going through so i say you're right, you didn't marry the whole familly when you said i do so you don't have to put up with this expesially if you're scared. My brother in law is Schizo too but he doesn't live with us, he lives with his mom and every two days he gets in a fight with her and she ends up at our palce because she sssssssso annyoing and no one can stand her not even her kids, and if it's not his mom being here it's the brother always complaining of this and that and he never gets a clue that he needs to get out .

Answer 7

Good for you for standing your ground on this. You are absolutely right.

Make it really clear that the brother has 30 DAYS. On day 31, he is out. Thats it. The state has help for people like him, he can use it. You don't have to be mean about it, just tell him 30 days and then ITS OVER - HE'S OUT.

Good luck and stand your ground - for your health and your kids. And Everyone involved.

Answer 8

This one is pretty simple: Tell your husband to put his brother back under professional supervision, or else you and your kids are leaving. Simple as that. This is a complete no brainer and I'm kind of worried why this is even a question in your mind.

Answer 9

Move Out and tell him its his brother or you . Actualy he should have already taken the kids into concideration . And if this seems to be the straw that breaks the camels back for you it sounds like there other problems too.

Answer 10

Take your kids and get the hell out. It's not YOUR responsibility to babysit someone who might hurt you or your children because they "need a change." He's sick, and he needs to be IN A HOSPITAL. If he needs a change, paint his room or something.