My husband moved out the end of Dec. He has not been happy for sometime. He was gone within 10 minutes. He patted one son on the top of his head, kissed the other, called our daughter and left her a voice mail to call her and our youngest was not at home when he left so several days later he called him and wanted to take him to dinner. There has been NO CONTACT from their father at all. They all have cell phones too. He has not contacted me either. A week after he left he started divorce proceedings. He wants equitable ditribution of property.There was no mention of custody. He lives with his mother. Can anyone tell me why a father would do this to his 4 children? He has also not put any money into the account since the beginning of Jan. He makes a very good salary so thats not the reason. I am blown away. I can understand if he doesn't want to talk to me, but the kids? And, he was the one who had been thinking about leaving the marriage.
2007-02-02 11:54:01 · 17 answers · asked by Karen 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Best thing that could happen to you and your kids is the husband showing his true colors to his kids.
I never had to worry about my ex taking my son. (most children are kidnapped by a relative or friend)
I never had to worry about my son wanting to live with his Dad. My ex has made only one effort to see his son who was 1 year old when I left him. That one time was to appear at the divorce hearing.
My son is now 18, has seen his father a handful of time because MY FAMILY AND I had made the effort (we live in Mich, Ex lives in NY).
Don't build an illusion for your kids. Be truthful with your kids! My son was reminded that his B-day past without a present or even a phone call from his Dad.
I've heard from soooo many friends about phone calls during the ex-spouse's weekend with the kids,come & pick them up!
And why? They found a date for Saturday night!
As for not putting money into the account, go see your state's "Freind of the Court" who will set up child support payments for you.
Focus on your kids & move on!
2007-02-09 03:25:06 · answer #1 · answered by maj 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a sad time for you. Divorce is never easy. Your husband was thinking about leaving the marriage you said; well he has done it. The explanation may lie in the fact that you also said he has been unhappy for some time. You don't say whether or not you both tried counseling. If so, it apparently wasn't enough to save the marriage.
What is done is done. You can't make him behave the way you'd like to be more comfortable. At this point hearing his reasons wouldn't even do that for you. The best you can do is hire your own attorney. You say he is asking for an equitable distribution of property. Half is not necessarily equitable. You need a lawyer. Fast.
As for the visitation with the children, perhaps he feels this is his only way to stay the course through the divorce. It is not very mature or responsible, but it might just be his way of getting through this. He'll have to deal with the fallout over this one with the children later, not you if you play it smart.
What I mean is, since the children are with you, be a hero. DON'T badmouth him to anyone. He is still their father. They still have 50% of his genetic makeup and what you say about him will hurt them. Tell them the truth, "Dad left and I don't know why he isn't calling you." Then listen to how they feel and be sympathetic.
Contact a lawyer immediately. You need economic support. Your husband has lobbed a nasty ball into your court. Emotionally stunned as you may be you need to move fast anyway. There will be time to ruminate over it later. You need a lawyer to do an emergency action to get support for your children. They deserve that. Nobody can make your husband be a more responsible father by contacting his children, but they can darned sure make sure he takes care of them financially.
Good luck and try some counseling for yourself. You have suffered quite a blow.
2007-02-02 20:14:48 · answer #2 · answered by amazingly intelligent 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get a lawyer and protect your children. ANY man who walks out on his family is no man at all. Not sure what issues you two have, but I have absolutely ZERO respect for people who get married, have kids, and then decide 10 years later that they;re really not all that happy after all. Any man that would do this is nobody you should even think about being with. So put your kids first, get a lawyer, and make sure that you're all taken care of. And may God have mercy on his worthless soul.
2007-02-02 20:22:31 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You poor thing. Your husband is selfishly going through his private crisis, leaving YOU to pick up the family's pieces!
FOUR children and all of them still at home?
No discussion and papers for divorce proceedings already served?
WHY is he doing this?
EITHER he is having a complete breakdown or "midlife crisis" and is just going nuts, or he has been planning this for a while.
I HATE speculating on this- I believe YOU need to confront him, for YOUR sake, and not just for the kids. YOU need to be allowed to understand what is going on.
You said he is unhappy. What DO you mean? Is he depressed? Is/was your relationship not on a good footing? IS he going through a midlife crisis, in your mind? How are YOU feeling, or- WERE you feeling in the months in the run up?
And again- don't wish to give it any air-time but is he having an affair? A new life with someone else?
A man doesn't father 4 kids and then walk away to live a loner's life so I doubt it is that... I mean- I doubt it is a loner's life...
So- the kids. My parents divorced (amicably) when I was 7 and I didn't see my father again, until I was 14. He said it "hurt him too much". Selfish? Yep. He, very soon after, ended up with a woman over ten years his junior (he was early 30s) and started over. He never did explain how he could distance himself so completely and I actually believe that he didn't see it as "wrong". Just the only option he could work out...
:-(
What concerns me is that he is not taking responsibility for his children- no contact and no maintenance. He is with his mother- what does SHE say about her son's treatment of her grandchildren?
Get her on side- ask her to help you help the kids. It is important to your daughters- their first "ideal man" has left them high and dry. This is also crucial to your sons. Who is to be their role model? What KIND of role model CAN he be?!
I am really disappointed for you...
My advice?
1. Talk, if all possible, to his mother.
2. Tell HIM how disappointed you are in him, for the kids' sakes.
3. Get yourself a GOOD lawyer- one who is recommended by word of mouth. I feel that an equitable division of your joint assets is a little bit on the cheeky side of him. No- unless he is requesting equitable division of custody (which I'd NOT recommend!) he cannot think to have half of the marital assets. What planet (sorry- I am a bit cross!) is he from?
4. Don't hide your concerns from your children any more than is decent. Sadly it is their lot to have a father do this to them but you have a right to not be held responsible and end up lying for him. Protect them wisely and share what you think appropriate. Children are far better at dealing with these things than you'd think. I say this because my mother chose not to tell me how selfish my father had been and I suffered a lot when I discovered it for myself. He had remained firmly on that pedestal and when he jumped off it with both feet when I was about 18 I nearly lost all respect for him and was devastated. No, I do not blame my mother- she protected me as she saw fit but I feel that finding it out when I did was bad because I was anyway having a bad time of my teens.
:-)
Of course... In fairness... I don't KNOW your circumstances, and there is always another side to every situation. However- I am not judging. I wouldn't presume!
I wish you, and yours, all the very best and that clarity is going to be achievable!
2007-02-02 19:57:40 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't know, but I would take him to court for child support like yesterday. Like you, I cannot fathom a guy not contacting his kids for that length of time. I would probably call him or his mother and tell him to get his head out of his butt and see his kids before he ends up hurting them for life. Abandonment is a very big issue for a great many people. He needs to do the right thing. Take him to court.
Sorry you are going through this. I am horrified by his actions (or lack thereof). Maybe some guy out there in a similiar situation will have some insight. I cannot even imagine it.
2007-02-02 19:59:29 · answer #5 · answered by whereRyou? 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I hope you get a good lawer, there is no explanation of why he would do it, all I say is I really feel sorry for your children and yourself, my dad walked out and left us when I was like 6 and didn't bother to contact us untill we was grown and the only reason he did is because we looked for him, I am currently divorced with 2 son's but me and my xwife have a very close relationship for our kids....your kids need allot of supprot right now, I know it is hard but be strong for them...p.s it is unlikely that he will get half of everything since he abandoned the family, best of luck to you dear!.
2007-02-02 20:05:14 · answer #6 · answered by J S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How very sad. How was he with the children before he left? Was he involved in their lives? Has he shown signs of depression (before he left)?
It sounds to me like he is feeling extremely guilty. He seems to be concerned only with himself. Has he always been like that? What he probably doesn't know is that he is doing irreparable damage to his kids. They might have some abandonment issues if he doesn't pull his head out of his @ss.
Please get in touch with an attorney. You and your children are entitled to some support. He says he wants "equitable" distribution of property. I would make sure, even if it meant he had to live in poverty, that the children DO NOT go without. If he makes the choice to leave you and the kids out of his life, he still has financial obligations to all of you.
I would seek some counseling for yourself and your children. You all deserve better. I have no idea why someone would or even could do this to their family. Please reassure your children that they are not at fault. I would bet that at least one of them thinks they caused this split. Good luck to you and your children. I'm sure none of you deserved this treatment.
2007-02-02 20:05:07 · answer #7 · answered by katydid 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to obtain an atty. You have 4 children. He needs to be supporting the children financially. A petition to temporary relief needs to be in place so that he is responsible to support the children. Don't worry about his not contacting the children----He has probably been advised by his atty not to have contact!
He wants equitable distribution of property? well...have the courts rule on that. Don't do anything or give anything without consulting your lawyer and giving a JUDGE to rule on anything with a court order in place. Importantly don't sign anything he presents to you without first consulting an atty!
Remember you may be entitled to spousal support, child support is a given---1/2 of his pension, retirement, or 401k, 1/2 of all of your assets---etc. PROTECT yourself and the rights you and your children have!
2007-02-09 07:05:17 · answer #8 · answered by aunt_beeaa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh..my i feel so sorry to hear that.. i know this is must be so difficult for you and your children.. what a loser is your ex husband. he is so evil.
when he was gone without contacing you lik eyou said on the top.. he might be stay with the other woman.. (sorry i just assume there is must be another woman) but he said to you he stay in his mother house that must be just a lie.. he must be have somebody already(sorry i don't mean to hurt you more.. )
and about the account on the bank he must be very smart person... he must be made plan to leave you and your kids.. long time ago.. that is the reason
2007-02-02 20:03:09 · answer #9 · answered by sylvaniaS 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to get a lawyer ASAP so that you can make sure that you get child support money, if they have to garnish his wages..sounds like he wants to absolve himself of all his responsibilities and move back home with mommy.
2007-02-02 20:01:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋