and is often verbally abusive. We have a 4 month old son together. Things just keep getting worse and worse. He has been beaten up quite badly on 2 of his most recent binges. It's hard for me to see him so hurt like this. He tells me he will quit drinking and then lies about going out to party with his friends. After one of his binges I will kick him out and he goes to stay with friends and then he will start calling and saying he misses me and wants to come home. It's hard for me to say no, but every time he comes back nothing ever changes. He refuses to go to rehab or to couples counselling with me. How do I move on without making it seem like I'm abandoning him? I want him to know that I will be here for him but can no longer live this way??
2007-02-02 09:10:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
YOU need to go to Al-Anon. I can already read your codependence. Why do you care if he gets his feelings hurt and you want him to know you are "there" for him. Toughen up and realize this relationship is going to stay the way it is because you allow it to...by that I mean, you LET him walk in and out of your life (and heart) and he knows he can come back. Get serious and show him some tough love...you have nothing to prove to him, he needs to straighten up or you need to move on. The next time you leave, stay gone until he makes the choice to contact you and the choice to change his ways...don't just believe it because he says so...make him show you...don't let him back until you are sure he is ready for this change. It can take months to work out but, be patient with not only him, but yourself. GOOD LUCK.
2007-02-02 09:23:26 · answer #1 · answered by LaRae 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You are searching for fairness. Trying to get back to the good old days, when life seemed fair. Well, it wasn't. If you ask her how many of those 17 years were great for her...well, you don't want that answer. It wasn't that great for her. Learn that.The proof is in how she treats you. Ex-spouses use divorce like a shooting gallery - all those little targets spinning and turning have your face on them. Some now have your kids' faces. Pow...that felt pretty good. I'll take another shot. Pow. She does NOT know how to turn that desire off. You no longer have any influence for change. Dig deep for inner strength. Find friends that can help you in practical ways. You can't do it alone, even though you now think so. She's headed downhill without a brake. It's not a steep grade. It could be worse and may yet be. Part of your vows never disappear. For better or worse until death is true because of the link forged by your kids. Helping her as much as possible helps you and your kids. Even if she doesn't deserve anything. Tough break. You don't have to care for her to help out your kids' mom.
2016-05-24 06:11:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been told that I might have an alcohol problem. My wife and I used to be pretty hard partiers (drinking, etc etc) but we now have 9 month old twins. I got a little blitzed on a couple of occasions, and my wife made it VERY clear that as a father and a husband, that I have no business getting drunk around our babies and acting like a jackass. She's 100% correct. Clearly nothing you've done has shocked or scared your husband into taking his problem seriously, and clearly he DOES have a problem if he's going to choose drinking and partying over his wife and son. I would kick him out for AT LEAST a few weeks. Tell him you're not even going to speak to him unless it's at a councilors office. Then, if he's willing to shape up and stick with the 12 steps he can come back. But an alcoholic father is the LAST thing a baby boy needs in his life. I NEVER suggest divorce when kids are involved unless abuse is an issue. And sadly, it sounds like he's already started down that road. I respect you for worrying about him and loving him, but if his choice is going to be booze then your choice needs to be what's best for your son.
2007-02-02 09:28:45 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is an alcoholic. He can't help his actions any longer, it's a disease. Right now, all you can do is tough love.....kick him out and tell him you can't live with him while he's like this. He needs to help himself, and he needs to want to help himself. By constantly allowing him to come home after his binges, you are enabling him. He knows you'll give in. You will not be abandoning him, you will be helping him. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but you need to think of yourself and your baby. There are several things you can do. Does he have family? If so, and they realize he has a problem, maybe you could stage an intervention. I've included a couple of websites for you to look at. I have been where you are, and it's a hard road to travel alone. I hope this helps, and I hope and pray the very best for you. Take care sweetie......you'll be ok.
2007-02-02 09:24:22 · answer #4 · answered by ksgirl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
google Wilard F Harley he is a marriage counselor and has great info on marriage to an alcoholic and how to deal. And other topics to, like affairs and such. I'm readings one of his books now, has a lot of useful info and it all makes sense! Good Luck! my mom was married to my dad for 7 years and he was an alcohlic and treated her real bad. In everyway possible mentally, physically, verbally. its not a good thing for your kids to see cause when they get older their gonna think its ok to be with someone like that or be that themselves cause they saw there mom deal with it. I've been there and got out quick. I wish you the best.
2007-02-02 09:20:11 · answer #5 · answered by Marianita 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop letting him back in. You know he's not changed and will do the same things all over again. Tell him he's not willing to make changes but you are. If he decides to sober up, maybe you will talk to him then.
2007-02-02 10:03:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Say I love you, but I didn't sign on for this. You are being completely unfair to our child and he/she doesn't need to grow up in an abusive environment. I'm changing the locks on the doors and when you are ready to be a responsible adult maybe I'll consider giving you a key.
2007-02-02 09:21:38 · answer #7 · answered by AriKnight 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
telll him that if you really care about me and your son then go to rehab and counseling if he says no then you should divorce him or seperate for a while.I know it will hurt but this is the right decision.good luck
2007-02-02 09:20:15 · answer #8 · answered by kraztkool 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him he's hit rock bottom & it's killing you too. What is he trying to escape from by drinking? Something is making him drink like that & it needs to be resolved. Good luck to you. Say a prayer for him, his child needs him.
2007-02-02 09:17:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
sit him down when he is sober and tell him how you feel -- tell him this is not the life you want for your family- ask him to go to aa
2007-02-02 09:20:06 · answer #10 · answered by gabby 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋