What would YOU do...me and my bf of 3 years are thinking of buying a house together...?

Question

we have a small child as well, and right now I live in HIS house that he had before...we have been thinking of this for the last 2 years and have even looked at some homes...NOW he is saying he is scared of buying a house together because if we break up I would get half of whatever the house...I have been a stay home mom since my sons birth ad ave basically given up my dream of having a career to stay home and because he is very insecure (thinks my own money would mean I dont need him) so anyways I am wondering if I am wasting my time on a dream that will never happen...I dont always want to live in HIS house, I would it to be our house with BOTH our names on the title (hence a new home) I have given up alot to appease him and he doesnt want to do the same...am I wasting my time on this guy? Should I move on?

Answer 1

Buying a house together is almost as much of a commitment as marriage. Why aren't you two married? That would be the first question. Why would he not want to take care of his family now and for future purposes? You are his family, you are the mother of his child. Do you love him? Would you leave him if you were able to financially make it on your own? Are his fears correct in that aspect? It's more than just a "dream" it's your financial security now and when you are old as well as your childs. Who would get "his" house if (God forbid) anything were to happen to him? You have to think about these things for your security as well as your childs.
So, the answer to your question really is on you. If he does not haveyour best interest at heart then I would leave.

Answer 2

If you already have a child with this guy- I guess you have to evaluate your feelings. I think that having a child and not being married lately seems to be happening MORE- but I do not get the committment issue when you already have a child together.

I think at this point -you need to do what is right for you. I think you are too young to give up any dream of anything. If you are saying that he is so decided on his lack of committment and his fears, he is not meeting you half way. So, why would you be accomodating him by not working. You have to protect yourself and your child and get yourself your dream career and if he cannot handle it- then that is your answer right there- the rest will come together- first think about yourself- before you put it all aside for someone who is waffling on something so simple.

Answer 3

You're right...he's a VERY insecure person. AND a very controlling one. He should not feel threatened by the fact that you can contribute.

What the hell would happen if he suddenly died??? You should not be reliant upon him to do everything, especially if you're not married. Again, what would happen if he died? You and your kid would be out on the street, because the house you live in would probably go to his family (as part of the Survivor Rights to Property laws).

Even if you were married and bought a house, if you broke up, he'd be in the same boat.

I would strongly recommend NOT buying this house. He seems very unstable in the relationship department.

Maybe consider getting some counseling and maybe developing (as much as I hate them) a co-habitation agreement, especially if you DO go ahead with a purchase. The document will very clearly and legally outline exactly what will happen to all material possessions in the event of a split.

Answer 4

This a tough one. Technically he is thinking realistically about the house and you getting half if you split. But that is mess up to even bring that up. If you two do get a house, I think no matter what you should have your name on the house title as well. Like you said it would be your house together. He works his job and pays the bills, and you work also in a way. The most important job ever. You are there for your baby boy. So if you buy a house it should be both considered OUR house. If he puts his name on the title only I can see him already using that to his advantage. You would have to follow his rules for instance. That is no way to live life. You have baby boy. Yes he needs a man in his life, but he needs his mom even more. he needs his mom to be happy. You don't want him to grow up in this relationship if it gets worse. IF he does, he will think it is normal and ok to treat women this way, and thats how he would treat the women in his life. Do what is best for you and your baby. Don't let him ruin your life as well as your babys life. It will be hard at first but you can do it. Don't let him control you.

Answer 5

These commitment-phobic guys are really annoying. He probably says he loves you and you have a child together and you already live together. The guy should do the right thing, marry you, get that house together and he needs to stop "worrying." Nothing in life is guaranteed, so what. Maybe he should see what life is like without you. He seems not to trust or share well. It's time he grew up.

Answer 6

Sounds like he's afraid of any commitment. If you want to share something with someone he doesn't sound like the one for you. If you do stay with him and get a new place together be sure your name does go on the title/lease if you do go your seperate ways you deserve atleast half of everything for giving up on your dreams to statisify his insecurities and raising a child that is his. I suggest moving on, but I know at the same time it's easier said than done.

Answer 7

We have some control issues here.

I imagine you are really unhappy. I imagine you are feeling quite vulnerable - after all, its his house and he gets to kick you out. Now, in this light, home ownership becomes really important - for both of you.

This house isn't a home...its a weapon. He uses it to control you. In fact, he has controlled you for what? Three years? Let's see, you have no income save for his. You have no home save for his.

Your not a girlfriend you're a prisoner. And you'll never be his wife.

You can stay if you wish. You can continue to be a maid, a babysitter, a sex toy. I don't think that makes you happy...you already indicate you are wistful for a career. You want security.

Not gonna find it with an insecure boy. You can do one of two things: get married or get out.

Get out. Gather your friends and family around you, get a job and move on with your life.

Answer 8

Since you2 have a child together, he should be thinking of the betterment of his future. Instead he is whining about the possibility of loosing half if you break up?? Maybe he isnt 100% positive about your relationship. I think I would put this idea on the back burner for a while, and pay attention to what he is suggesting. I think you will find out soon enough, if you just wait and watch.

Answer 9

If you live in a community property state and you are married everything is split in half, it always 50/50 unless he owned this home before you married then the equity he put in before you married is his but the minute he says I do the property accumalated after that is 50/50. If your not in a community property state I don't know how the judge would look at that. But if isn't a community propert state talk to attorney and find out your rights if there should be a divorce, before you marry him. He seems selfish wanting to have eveything in his name. You better watch out my husband was like that and talking about controlling, you AIN'T seen nothing yet.

Answer 10

It bothers me greatly that you have given birth to a child with a man who so clearly lacks the maturity for marriage, let alone fatherhood. I hope you have learned something about being more careful with birth control from this experience. You two do have a child, though, so your futures are now inextricably intertwined. So, you are between a rock and a hard place: you can either marry an insecure, selfish boy, or you can deprive your child of his or her father. Not only does it suck to be you, it sucks to be your child.