Recently I have discovered some very unsavory traits of my new husband. I extended myself considerably to make his life easier as he adjusted to being in the US. We dated 1.5 years before we married. Now since we have married (almost 4 months), I have discovered the other side. Basically if he is stressed, he can be very very mean, intolerant and borderline emotionally abusive. I am not minimizing my concern. He loves me, I love him, but I can see this turning very sour in the near future. This week and last was hell. Literally , it has been very good up to this point. I asked for counseling. I am being understanding. I am talking to my friends for better understanding.
Since last night, he has been nicer. He by the way thinks it is me of course. Who knows how the weekend will go. I am about to give up. The behaviors are abnormal and the kind that may lead to problems later. I don't know if I can trust him anymore. Should I let it go a while longer and wait and see?
2007-02-02 06:47:02 · 10 answers · asked by kishoti 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Trust determines love for me. If I lose the trust, the love will die. When we got together, he understood this stuff. Now I feel like he has become controlling. I do not have money problems, my job is stable, and I am well established. He is the one who will suffer if we split. I try to look out for him.
2007-02-02 06:49:33 · update #1
So what country did he come from? Do you feel like he's using you just to get in the US? If he truly loves you and you love him, then talk to him about it. Seek counseling.
Do not let it go. Press the issue, if he's continuing to change, it may be that he's deciding how far he can go with you. Testing the waters so to speak. Tell him how you feel, if he can't handle that, then you need to let him know what the consequences will be if his actions continue.
2007-02-02 07:04:54 · answer #1 · answered by genetic_traitor 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless he goes for counseling, I`m sorry to say that things won`t change.
I don`t know the laws in the US , but here in the UK your husband will be entitled to nearly half of everything you have, as you haven`t been married for that long he shouldn`t even get that.
I would perhaps try to talk to him and try to work something out, give him ..... maybe 6 months then get out of there if you think it`s not working out.
First put some money away that he won`t find out about. When a relationship fails the other person get upset then angry then bitter, then tries to take everything off you.
(here speaks a voice of experience) : )
You sound like a very level headed woman, trust your instincts.
2007-02-02 07:25:26 · answer #2 · answered by Tatty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you think you need counseling then you should go. My husband has some bad traits but everybody does. He has a high stress level job in the military and when he gets stressed out or is really tired from working long housr i try to stay out of his way and keep the noise level down in the house. He doesnt mean to get snappy or down right mean. we have been together amlost 4 years now, i just know how he is and love him. Most people could or even our friends know how i deal with him. the secret i use is to ignore him, i know he doesnt mean it so i dont listen to him. He has never or never even came close to hurting me in any way. His words can be not very very nice, not very nice at all but its only when he is tried or stressed out. I handle him in my own way. if you love him you might have to do the same. and if you cant handle it dont think you can change a person because you cant. And if he abuses you get out now, its not worth it.
2007-02-02 07:02:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even if you go to counselling it may still be a long process. You really cannot change anyone, if this is his true personality, you do not want to be with him long term and you do not want to have any kids with the guy.
You have a job, you have money. Now get a lawyer and a divorce so you will have a life.
Abuse escalates, do not full yourself, and just be thankful that you can get out sooner, rather then waiting till something goes really wrong, or he physically hurts you.
2007-02-02 07:06:48 · answer #4 · answered by artist-oranit.com. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked to him about this change? If not, you need to do so sooner than later. The fact that you describe this week and last as "hell " speaks volumes about how unhappy you are. Tell him you are worried about his behavior. If he asks for specifics, have examples ready. Be concerned and don't take no for an answer unless you want him to push you around for the rest of your married life together.
2007-02-02 07:01:34 · answer #5 · answered by Harley 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said it yourself, he's stressed out dealing with a lot of new changes. It sounds like he's beginning to get back to his old self. I'd wait and see how he is in the next week or two. If he continues to do well, then I'd sit down and talk with him about his behaviour and how it was unacceptable and that you want to figure out a way to help him deal with his stress more constructively. You may ask him to consider counseling to help him learn o how to better deal with stressful situations.
2007-02-02 06:57:13 · answer #6 · answered by married2004 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if this man is not willing to take any of the blame for anything the problems can never be worked out. if u see these behaviors now, they aren't going to change, they will just get worse. u need to get a divorce, get out now while u can. don't worry about his life and if life will be hard on him, he should have thought about this before he began to mistreat u. don't make excuses for him, see him for the man he truly is. when we make excuses for them and keep forgiving them, we never seem to get up the courage to move on away from them. u don't need a man like this, get out of this, as it is only going to get worse.
2007-02-02 06:59:37 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like you're kind of afraid of his moods. If you're afraid, get the hell out and work on your marriage from afar. Don't let warning signals go. They are there for a reason.
2007-02-02 06:54:05 · answer #8 · answered by Ya Ya 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not going to change, it is not going to get better, it WIILL however get worse. Get out now why you can.. please believe me that I am not being harsh. You will lose yourself and the strength you have now, slowly but surely. I know because I have been through it and I am going through it. (divorce). let me know if I can help anymore. good luck. but get out!!!!
2007-02-02 06:57:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2007-02-02 06:51:53 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋