How long does it take to get over an ex?

Question

I was with my boyfriend for 5 years we were engaged for a year and due to be married next year ( his idea) He then told me 4 months ago that he didn' t love me any more and left. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart its been 4 months now and its not getting any easier. I've tried going out with friends and getting new hobbies, but i can't stop thinking about him. I don't know how i will cope if i see him with someone new as far as i know he isn't seeing anyone. How long before this will get any easier and is there anyone who can give me some advice on how to get over him. I've tried meeting someone new but i haven't found any one suitable so any other ideas?

Answer 1

You just have to come to terms that you are not going to stop thinking of him for a long time. Everyone is different in dealing with this sort of situation. Don't put time limits on this. I can tell you this that if you looked back from the moment he first told he didn't love you anymore 4 months later you are somewhat better. It has been 7 months for me and sometimes I can go for weeks without crying and then something will trigger and it is like I can't stop crying but I know I am better than I was. When this first happened it was like I was in a fog. What helped for me is even when I didn't want to go out, go workout, hang out with my friends, etc....I made myself because I knew all I would do is sit there and think about him.

I am not so sure going out to meet someone is such a good idea. You are not ready for another relationship. You are on an emotional rollercoaster and in that frame of mind nobody should get involved.

Another tip, don't go looking for information on him like I did. I didn't like what I found and I lost a lot of ground when I did that. Avoid him at all cost if you can because it is a horrible feeling if you aren't ready to see that he really has moved on. I mean you already know that it is over it doesn't have to be thrown in your face to get it.
Best of luck

Answer 2

Part of the problem is attatchment. But another part of the problem involves understanding what happened: what were you responsible for, what was his role in it all, what kind of relationship did you really have, and what kind of person do you want to be, and if you were to enter a new relationship, what kind of relationship would you be happy with.

I think it's kind of important to place that caveat on the type of relationship you two had because there may have been deeper issues that you have not dealt with during the grieving process. If you have insurance, you could try getting a counselor.

I say this because I came out of a relatively short-term relationship (6 months), and it took me a few months to process the whole thing because I fell into a codependent role with somebody who possessed a degree of Borderline Personality Disorder, and I really beat myself up for not being perfect in that relationship for quite a while before I started to understand what some of the deeper issues were.

In short, the attatchment part should be fading. The fact that it has not even when you are confronted with abandonment might indicate that you are having some problems processing what happened, and the reason may be that you are not understanding the other person's role or your own in the dissolution.

Answer 3

Everyone so far has said time is the only answer, it may be true but it's like having someone close die. It'll never go away as the emotions and feelings you had (and have) are the strongest human bond.
For what it's worth I'd take it like a bereavement and NOT try to forget but remember the good things, and the bad. That's how I've coped with a similar situation when I was dumped last year. I think of her everyday and wish her goodnight as my head hits the pillow every night.

Sorry not much help.....

Answer 4

If there was a magic formula then I'd have overdosed on the pill a long time ago myself.

The key is....time....yep...blows but it's true.

Another key....find things to fill up your time....remodel your house, get a makeover, get new clothes, hang out with old friends, new friends, go to wine tastings, got to Art shows, sports events, keep busy.

Yes you will move on...because life makes you...but the truth is that this hurt will fade eventually and in time I imagine that the person that you were destined for all along will come along.

You will find out that this previous relationship taught you the things you need in order to appreciate yourself more and the new relationship.

P.S. Lots of mixed emotions after going through something like this...find the joy in silly things and new and old things...some days will be so hard...and others you will let it fade...all in time though you will see your future is bright.

Answer 5

The longer the relationship, the more intense and more experiences shared the longer it takes.

Could be a year; could be five years. The thing to remember; as stupid as it sounds right now, and as p!$$ed off as I used to get hearing this; it does get better with time and hopefully you can look back on it as a valuable learning experience.

I've had my fair share of sh!tty relationships; and thankfully at this point I can look back on all of them and say; "d@mn, I survived that and I know SO much more now and am thankful for that". Though I would never want to experience it all over again; I am happy that I learned something from each experience.

If you're not over this one; it isn't fair to get involved with another one; rebounds rarely ever work out. It's better just trying to get comfortable and happy with YOU right now. When you are NOT looking is when the ones worth spending any time with show up in your life.

Just take it one day at a time.

Answer 6

It can take a really long time in some cases.
I only really stopped being hurt and bitter about my ex when someone else loved me.
I know that sounds really corny but it's so much worse when your the one who has been left. It makes the process so much more personnal, it's not just about the relationship being over, it's about the whole "what's wrong with me?" stuff aswell. and quite often that part doesn't go away until we find someone else who really loves us. In my case it was nearly 4years, and once I got with my new man the hurt went away almost immediately.
Go easy on yourself, don't expect too much of yourself. It's ok to feel sh!ty for as long as it takes.
Good luck, hope you feel better soon! x x x

Answer 7

Half the length of time you were together, so in your case it could be as much as three years before you completley let go.

Don't despair sweety, better now than if you'd gotten married, kwim?

You know the steps, crying, despair. Then comes anger and burning a pair of his boxers and that cheezy teddy bear in a trash can. Then comes a night out with the girls and some fun. Then comes a crush, a date, and before you know it all you ever knew of him is in a shoebox in your closet.

If you really feel like you aren't coping, get some counseling to help you work through this painful process.

Answer 8

Hi. First I want to say I am really sorry about what you are going through. It is early days yet. My ex left me when my baby was six months old after four years. It hurt like hell. It took a long long time before I started feeling better. I think it might be an idea just to give yourself this year to even begin to feel better. I used to ask everyone I knew 'when will it stop hurting'. I was like a zombie for six months and I never stopped loving him for a good year. Like you, I felt ok knowing that he wasn't seeing someone. When he met someone I fell to pieces again.

The only way to get over him is time. I was so impatient and frustrated and angry when I went through this. I used to cry all night and wait for him to call all day.

One day I went out to my car to go to work. The sun was bright and there were two really cute little birds singing in the tree. A feeling of real happiness came over me just for a few moments. It was strange, almost like a blanket of helplessness lifted that day. It was still painful and still hurt every day but there were good times too.

You know it stops hurting when you can watch your favourite soap without thinking about him, when you can stop constantly referring to him, when you can stop hating him. It is the hardest thing ever.

I have been through this a couple of times. I have also ended relationships and regret the pain I have caused my ex's. We all take a chance in love and we are all just looking for happiness.

In your case you are in a bereavement for your future. You have had your wedding taken away from you and your future as his wife. Be gentle with yourself. Keep talking to close friends and family and wallow in it for a while. Then, one day, gently brush yourself down and get out there and you will meet one hell of a special guy.

Take care and keep writing in if you feel down. There are always lots of us here to help you through. x

Answer 9

you have to decide to get over him. First you decide to let him go then let you mind heal from the wounds this man caused. You go out and do things you find new hobbies, new activities.
Some woman when they get divorced find comfort in taking dance classes, or start a small business with a hobby they had for years.
What ever you do. Don't run up your credit card debt to out run the pain. Walk thru the pain and learn who you are, tell yourself you are a winner every day.

Answer 10

Give yourself time to heal.If you start to get serious too soon after a breakup its called rebound.Some men can turn love on and off like a faucet.Keep yourself busy,be good to yourself.Treat yourself to a new haido or a nice massage.Join a gym,churchs have a lot of activities.You will meet the right one,at at time you wont expect it.Good luck