Adjusting to marriage?

Question

My wife fell in love with me very hard when we first met. I did with her as well. I proposed only after 3 months. Here’s the deal….even though she loves me I don’t think she really knew what she was getting herself into. I’ve got 2 kids from a previous marriage and she has 1. Now she has to work with me as a team, she doesn’t always get her way, and we have to answer to each other. She’s fighting it now where in the beginning she accepted everything without even thinking. It’s like reality struck and I feel like she just stopped loving me the way she used to and is resentful now that she understands that marriage is a lot of hard work. Have a lot of you wives felt like that when you first got married? How long did it take for it to subside? I’m waiting patiently for my sweet, caring woman I married to come back. I know it’s overwhelming for her but before you make any suggestions I do help a ton around the house and I even golf with her and get a babysitter. There’s just more work and she’s having a hard time doing it. It’s almost like now she thinks marriage isn’t worth it. It’s concerning me and makes me think she’s thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Calm my fears ladies and give me some advice.

Answer 1

Marriage is work.

If she thinks it's going to be like a romance novel, then break it to her gently that it's not a romance novel, nor is it a bad porno movie.

All you can do is ask for that woman to show herself. What can you do? Be the man that she met and keep being him.

I'd suggest looking at the materials on Dr Willard Harley's website about marriage. Specifically His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters.

I also suggest Emerson Eggerichs book, Love and Respect...

Answer 2

Well getting married that early is a harsh thing. Being a new married couple is always hard a first. Even more when you haven't really been with that person that long. Taking care of three kids without really being able to have a life before is rough and she is probably not use to taking care of an extra two kids. Talk with her and tell her to not give up and it is hard on you both but your love for her will and has not changed. Ask her what she needs and try to help the best you can to make it happen.

Answer 3

I'm assuming that she is way younger than you. If so, then do do something with her besides gold (boring!). If you are affraid of her wondering about the "green grass" then get some green grass on your own outside the 18 holes.

Go to a club, take her on a cruise, go mountain climbing, do something different and excitinf, life should not only be about resposabilities and chores. Some women are controlling and if they don't get their way, they will hold a grudge forever and you are suppose to figure out what's going on on you own.

You proposed very early and got married quick, now she doesn't have to try hard because she's got you hooked. My advice: pump up the romance and behave like a romantic lover and not and old boring married man that takes his beautiful wife for granted and pays more attention to his work than to the family,

Good luck

Answer 4

I was like that too. I think its' normal. It took me about a year to subside. It was hard work and I didn't think it would be. Now I still have bad days when I get angry realizing that I have to cooperate with my husband instad of just doing things my way. However, I was single for quite a few years before I met my husband and I'm in my 30'\s. I don't know youre ages but I think that makes a difference. My advice would be that you need to talk to your wife about this exactly, aand ASK her if she's thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, ask her what she needs to be happy again, and specifically tell her that you miss the sweet caring "crazy about you" woman that you married.

Answer 5

How long were you together before getting married and settling down... How well did you really know each other before marriage? This is why I recommend people dating for at least a year before marrying... I also recommend pre marrital counseling too. yes marriage is an adjustment because you are getting more comfortable with each other now that you are married and not trying to impress so much anymore like you were when you were dating... You see each other for who they really are... You see your wife without makeup in the morning and her hair mussed and you smell each others morning breath. You have to learn to love each other for who they are not what they are and to love and accept each other where they are at. Seek counseling and help for you marriage and get to know each other better... Go out with her at times without the kids on a alone time date... Spend time together just you and her at least once a week. She is just frustrated and overwhelmed ... Help her with things like the kids and household chores and cook a nice meal for her once in a while so that she can just relax... You will see a whole different women if you start doing things like this once in a while for her... Buy her some flowers perfume and a nice card just to let her know you love her... When you are at work call her at home just to say hi and that you are thinking of her and ask her how her day is going. Tell her that you love and miss her and cant wait to come home to see her!! You will be surprised to how she responds to this. My husband does this for me and more and we have a great marriage... We dated for over a year though and got to know each other really well... yes the marriage took some adjusting at first but we stuck together and worked at it and we are more in love and happy today then what we have ever been... Love and marriage is what you make of it and we choose to make the most of it! Help her with the kids too when you get home as that takes pressure off of her. I am here if you need to talk and i will be praying and hoping that your marriage gets better soon!

http://www.marriagetoday.org

Answer 6

Well i'm not a ladie, but my wife and I went through the same thing. The first year of our marriage was very tough. We both came into the marriage with expecations of what a husband and a wife is suppose to be, and we didn't understand that we both came from 2 different backgrounds. There were many times that we wanted to give up, but first of all we commited our marriage to God, and what is commited to God, God Himself is able to keep. I just encourage you to continue to have patience with her and explain to her that you need her help to show you how a husband is suppose to be. remind her that neither one of you is perfect and that the both of you are not going to be in the same place 1 year from now. Every marraige is hard work and the most important factor is communication. Ask her what can you do to help her adjust. She probably never been married, like my wife and I and came in with a lot of expectations and unrealistic fantasies. Those 2 factors sets up an individual for disappointment, and eventually disappointment causes conflict. Continue to love her and let her know that you're not going no where and that you are committed to her and your marriage. You might have to remind her that quite often.

Answer 7

I have been married for almost two years now and I haven't felt this disarrangement from the idea of marriage. I am sure that it is much different though because you have children. Try to think back when you first had your newborn - it was overwhelming because your life changed drastically in just a few minutes! I can't even image having my husband to myself and then "bam" I have to share him with two others. My suggestions:
1. Give her room to make parenting choices too. She needs to feel like she is a part of your already established family. Let her out out with each of your children alone. That way she can really get to know each child for whom they are individually.
2. Make room for your wife. Not as in space however in your daily routine. Sometimes I think that time goes too fast and we forget about taking time for our relationship. Some of the things that my husband and I do are stay in for the night. Strange however we feel more close while staying in than going out all the time. Try taking a romantic bubble bath with her one night. That way, you can talk about parenting and what she is feeling. It is always good to talk.
3. Backrubs. I find that this is a great way to have a little time with my husband. It is also romantic. Your wife needs to feel like she is a person in your life - one that you treasure very much!
4. Do little things like hold hands when you are in public and smile at her when you glance around at her. She will feel like she is again, important.
5. Keep the dating in your life. She misses the time that she was dating you. She got a lot of attention from you - therefore to change drastically into the married life - you wish you could date each other again. Take her on mystery dates - out to eat or an adventure to keep the date alive. Just don't tell her where you are going. It tells her that you are thinking about her (to plan an outing) even when you aren't with her.
6. Redecorate your house or buy a new house (if possible) with your new wife if you are living in your old house. This way, she feels like she is living in her space, not someone elses.

A little thought goes a long way. Give her time to get adjusted also. If she doesn't adjust in the first year, I would suggest therapy so that you two can work things out on the homefront. It isn't bad to get help sometimes. Good Luck! I am sure she will turn around and love being a new mother and wife!

Answer 8

Sit her down and have a long talk with her. Tell her you love her and would love to make this work but if she is not willing, you may have to part ways. Ask her what she wants from you and what you can do to help. Offer to go to counseling with her or if she'd prefer to go by herself first.
It sounds like she is down, overwhelmed and is not all that happy in this situation (probably never dreamed marriage is a lot of work). There is something going on with her so you may have to do a lot of digging to get to the bottom of it. Give her time to figure it out and if necessary take a break for awhile.
Nobody can make the other spouse happy if they're not willing, they have to figure it out all on their own. Once they do (for the better hopefully), it will make the marriage stronger.
Marriage is not easy but you both have to be on the same page, once you work as a team, it will be rewarding (trust me). Best of luck.

Answer 9

Yes I went through something similar. I didn't understand that marriage would be as much "work" as raising our baby. You need to talk to her about your concerns like you've expressed them here. Print this out if you think she'll read it. I got through it the hard way, you don't even want to know how crazy my hubby and I got with each other before we realized that a marriage is the third party in your relationship, you should both be working for that party, no for each other nor against each other.

I wish you luck, she may not just "come arounf", you need to be direct enough to ask her what she's unsatisfied with, maybe it's something unreasonable. Don't completley write off that some it may be you, rarely are these big issues one sided.

Answer 10

first of all you should not have to answer to each other for everything. It is hard to get used to having someone full time in your life, it will happen. Are you still the same probably not after all we all change.