Is he being selfish or am I?

Question

My whole life I have wanted my mother to be in the delivery room when I had my baby and now that I am pregnant my husband has basically said he wanted it to be just me and him, he banned people from all the ultra sounds and argues with me when I tell him I would like my mother there. He finally told me if my mother was there then he wouldn't be. He knows I wouldn't let that happen. Is he being selfish or am I, and has anyone else had to deal with this?

This is my first and although my husband is a great man he isn't all that compassionate or calming. My parents like my husband!

Answer 1

I understand how you feel...I felt the same way. However, I think that there's blame for both of you. You want the comfort of you mom and he wants it to be a moment shared just between husband and wife. He may be going about it incorrectly, but it sounds to me that he wants it to be YOUR family(the two of you), not your family and parents, cousins, brothers etc. I have learned the hard way that when you marry you really have to start to let go of some of your dependence on your parents(especially mom!). I am extremely close to my parents and it's been a struggle letting them go, as it was becoming an issue in our marriage. I say that it does need to be an intimate time between husband and wife as it's going to be the two of you forever. However, your mom should be the very first one in the room after the birth and the one who comes over to help out during the first weeks at home.

I know there is nothing like a mom's comfort, but I suggest letting your husband have a shot at it...he may surprise you. Good luck!

Answer 2

Find out why he doesn't want your mother there. He may have a good reason. If he does not then he is being a bit selfish - you're going to go through a wonderful but also somewhat scary process. If you feel that you will need the emotional support of specific people, then he should not have a problem with your choices in support (unless of course it's someone outlandish like an ex-boyfriend lol).
On the other hand - some delivery rooms only allow one person in there with the labouring mother - so he may be afraid he's being replaced or is not necessary.

Answer 3

Well, If your husband and your mother have a good relationship then he is...

But think about how he feels. You are married to him, not your mother. You and he are going to be raising the child, not your mother... If this is your first child, this should be a special moment for the two of you to share. I think you really need to think about having your mother there.

Maybe if you decide to have more children she can be there for that. But there should be no problem with telling Mom to wait outside - she can come in right after you deliver. You never know how long your labor will be either.. she may have to come in and visit you if you are in there for hours.

Maybe both you and your husband need to compromise on this one. Tell him you will give a little for him and not have Mom there the whole time..and he should do the same. He may even need a "break" to get coffee or take a walk. Then mom could come in.

Good luck and congrats. This is a happy time, make the most of it. Don't fight over this! :)

Answer 4

I don't think it's a matter of selfishness on either of your parts... I think it's more a matter of you're being scared and wanting your mom there since she's been there and done that... and his wanting to be the one (and only one) who will be there to comfort you. I think it's sweet that he wants it to be just the two of you. That's what my husband and I did and it made it a really special experience that only the two (ahem, three) of us shared.

If you are hell bent on having your mom and there and he's hell bent that she not be there, then you need to reach a compromise somehow. Labor lasts many hours, your husband may not even consider that he may actually appreciate having a 10 minute break from staying by your side throughout the entire thing... but pointing that out to him now when it's all just talk isn't going to hit home for him at all -- he'd need to be there in the moment to understand.

Perhaps you could work something out, like your mom can be in the room up until the point where you're dialated to X cm, but after that point, then it's just the two of you up to the birth? That way he gets to be your one and only source of strength and comfort, and gets to share in the experience with his wife and new baby without mom-in-law right there... but you also get your mom's support throughout a good portion of it.

Whatever you decide, just make sure it's something you're both satisfied with... you don't want to ruin such a joyful experience with bickering over who's in the room and who isn't. Good luck!

Answer 5

Oh boy, he is really being selfish.

I've had issues with my husband being "selfish" although I call it controlling. We had a big battle over this with my first pregnancy. It was hard and a lot of power struggling going on. But, I never let up and our relationship is a lot better now.

I think pregnancy and the potential delivery bring strange things out in men. They are scared and protective and don't know how to express that. Keep that in mind when you confront him.

And, I would definately confront him about all that he's done during your pregnancy and how it's made you feel. With my husband I related that to how our family was going to function post baby. I just let it all out there and yes I did get very emotional. But, it allowed him to open up and talk about his fears also.Which was the motive behind all his actions.

Once we got over that it has been so much easier for him to express his feelings. I think extra hard when he says something and try not to dismiss it. Which is what I used to do, say he was being silly or whatever. But, to him it was an honest fear. With this pregnancy life has been really smooth! He's the best daddy and the greatest babysitter. In fact, he gave me the night off yesterday...

Good Luck hun!

Answer 6

He is. Your pregnant and your the one who has to endure hours of pain. Once your in labor, those nurses and doctors work for you. You are entitled to have anyone in the room that will make you more comfortable. Your husband sounds like an ********** and if he cant accept the fact that your mother will be there then maybe its best that he isn't. You'll be under enough stress and you certainly don't need him adding to it.

Ive had 3 kids. During my 2nd delivery, I had 5 people in the room with me. during the labor part you can have as many people as you wish but when its time to deliver, its pretty much up to the delivering doctor, he may just allow 1 person or he could allow 12..no one knows yet. Good Luck to you.

Answer 7

HE is being very selfish! Giving birth is the most amazing experience and it was very important to me to have my mother there too. My husband didn't have a problem with it, so I didn't have to face this. But what I would do is choose her and say if you really are willing to give up seeing the birth of your child, then so be it. He is the one who will feel guilty for the rest of his life if he doesn't hear his child's first cry. Stand up to him and I am sure he will get off his high horse and get back to reality. I asked the hospital staff how many women have their mom's with them (out of curiosity to see if I was being a baby or not lol) and they all said that over half of the women they see have their mother's and husbands with them. They also said a good portion of the rest have their family out of state, so it's not always possible. So you are feeling a very common thing. Good Luck!

Answer 8

I think you should have a good heart to heart with him. There might be a good reason why he doesn't any other family member there. He might be scared......of the unknown (I am assuming this is your first child in saying this)

Maybe a compromise can be reached, like your mother can be present for the labour part but not the actual delivery.

But to each his own, I absolutely didn't want anybody else but my husband present when I gave birth to our daughter, but then again my sister had both her mother-in-law and our mother present for the birth of her 2nd child (not the first she wanted to share this with her husband only).

Anyways Good Luck with the delivery

Answer 9

He is, but maybe he could feel left out somewhat. It can be on both of your parts as well. A women feels everything from the babies first kick, and so some men want to know those feelings. They don't want to miss anything because we do feel everything. For me and my mother, though I want her to be there, my hubby knows my mother can be somewhat stressful and overbearing. If he sees it's to much for me he would ask her to leave politely. We don't want to many family there because they would always have some kind of input. He does not mind our family being there. Only I have 7 other siblings a father, step father, father in law, mother in law, mother and sister who all want to be there. We don't want to hurt anyones feelings by inviting my mother and not my mother in law. My hubby just wants to be there for the ultrasound of the sex and will be with me every doctor visit. They allow two people at a time so it is not bad. However, it is not an overreaction on your part to want your mother there. :) I'm not defending him, but as a first time mommy to be our mothers have experienced the feeling before, and he never has so I try to see both of your feelings. It can also be comforting for your mother to be there. If it's jealousy he better just get over it. If your family is close you will be seeing alot of each other. I think you should explain to him how you feel and let him know you want him to be as involved as possible. It sounds like there are some issues with him and your mom. Sorry for your delimma. In the end, you should tell him that this is his child too, but you really want your mom to be there with you. I don't know why he would ban people from the ultrasounds though. You should ask him why. And why in the world would he not be there. It is his child too and personal matters should be set aside. He is going to miss out if he does not allow your mom there and he should not make you have to choose. Why put added stress on an already stressful event. He should never have said he will not be there. It's my opinion and not meant to offend anyone. *LOL* I'm going to have somebody with me because my hubby hates needles and I'm not sure how he will react when the baby comes. No, just kidding, but it is not to far from the truth.

13 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

Answer 10

I think he is being selfish. Sounds like my husband, but it's a little different in my case. He don't want my dad in the room, see my mom passed away a couple years ago, and my dad and I are really close so I want him there in the room with me, because I believe he can support me during this time. I mean I know it sounds weird, but your husband should be able to accept whomever you want in the room. See my husband thinks his mother should be in the room instead of my dad, but there are two problems there 1. She wasn't in my life until now, and 2. I don't really like her that much. So I will hold the baby in if he lets her in..lol...Good luck and have your momma in the room with you.