to all you survivors out there.....?

Question

a question for women who have been through the mill so to speak. have you had a problematic husband or lover? i do and it drives me nuts! i know i need to learn to control my anger. but how do i do this. how do i behave in a dignified ladylike manner when i see red? could you please give me some pointers. i scream and shout and throw tantrums that are remembered long after the issues are resolved. i am learning to accept the man that he is and deciding whether it works for me but in the meantime what should i tell myself to hold myself together thank you and god bless..... mwah

to be more specific he is a recovering drug addict who has relapses now and again

Answer 1

That's a tough one. I, too, struggle with my temper. What I've learned over the years is something I actually learned as a proverb when I was a child: The warmth of the sun will make a man remove his jacket faster than a stiff wind. Actually, it was a kid's story, but that was the moral. Gentleness motivates; force does not. I've never forgotten that, though I've had to remind myself of the lesson of the past 16 years.

The number one thing I've noticed about my husband is that he does not respond to my yelling. He shuts down. He doesn't fight back. I get no response. And that is worse, to me, than an all out brawl. But I don't want him to yell and fight either. So, if I want to keep him engaged in whatever the issue is, I have to do a couple things: 1) I literally take a deep breath and let it out slowly. This has the effect of calming me down a bit, slowing my heartbeat and the adrenaline, and it allows me a few precious seconds to collect my thoughts and remember that I'm an adult, not a child. 2) I focus in on what's really bothering me. Rarely is a conflict actually about the dishes in the sink, or the cap left off the toothpaste. For me, it's usually that I feel neglected and alone. So, I can then articulate that to my husband in a calmer manner. 3) Finally, I have to force myself to fight fair. Don't drudge up past events or conflicts. Don't use broad generalizations such as, "you always..." or "you never..." Instead, I use "I" statement. "I feel neglected because you're spending so much time at work and I miss you. I've been feeling lonely and I'm frustrated, and that's why I'm snapping at you." Or something of the sort.

The fact that your husband is recovering from addiction makes things more difficult, to be sure. But I have a bit of experience with that as well. My father was an alcoholic, and both of my brothers were alcohol and drug addicts (though both clean and sober for years now). The first thing to remind yourself of is that you're dealing with a drug-affected mind. Anybody who has an addiction does so as a form of anaesthesia. When they go through the process of detox and rehab, they're forced to confront some of the uglier aspects of their lives. This can be incredibly overwhelming. They probably don't have all the tools of communication down...in fact, that's a pretty safe bet. So for them, they feel they're doing good just by being mentally present, rather than drugged-up and checked-out. If you can keep this in mind the next time you get frustrated, it may help a great deal. If you don't blow-up, your husband won't feel threatened, therefore won't have anything to get defensive about. By calmly articulating your concerns and/or frustrations, your husband will be more apt to 1) listen, and 2) respond in kind. Try also to remember that the goal is to open up dialog and truly communicate with each other. This will bring you closer together, especially when you both feel like you are working together to strengthen the relationship you have.

Empathy is hugely important. Put yourself in his shoes...I mean really try to see things from his point of view, before you express your own.

It's 3 a.m. here right now, and I can't think of anything else at the moment. But if I think of anything else, I will come back and add. Take care, and good luck to you!

Answer 2

If your willing to be with a recovering addict then you have to be willing to be sympathetic. Imagine giving up somethig u need in order to save your life. If he was addicted then he is now dependent on the drug and if he doesnt get it he may feel sick or like hes gonna die. If u feel frustration coming on, please leave the room and collect yourself. Your actions may cause him to relapse also. Be understanding and patient.

Answer 3

Its hard to say because everyone reacts differently. There are times when I think it is warranted to throw tantys and scream and yell.... but I guess what works for me is to try very very hard to look at the issue from the other persons point of view - before I go off my rocker!

Answer 4

Well I have a daughter who is going though the same thing. She doesn't always listen to my advice and keeps giving him another chance. But how many chances can you give a person, before they realize, there are consequences to their behavior even losing their family!

Answer 5

Yes my first marriage was a disaster and i sure can understand how you feel and why.... You may need anger management classes though to help with your anger. You will also need marriage counseling and help for you and the marriage.

Answer 6

sometimes we have to ask ourselves, would we be better off with this person or without them, u probably wouldn't react as u do if it weren't for his actions. we can't just allow someone to walk all over us and behave badly, as it does affect our lives.