Is this relationship violent or abusive, I say it is, hubby says its volatile and everyone has their problems?

Question

In 12 yrs of marriage there have been a few violent fights between me and my husband.One he choked me when I was 8 mths pregnant and another he charged me,i fell and got a concussion. The others I feel equally responsible for because I was just as physical. He always knit picks at petty things about me like, I smell like an ashtray( i smoke) so does he, my coffee stinks in the morning, says that I can't make a decision to save my life (when this is actually him),says hurtful things and then says that its me because I don't get his sense of humor,once told me that having sex with me was too much work, always seems irritable and aggravated,but denies there is anything wrong. Refuses to spend any quality time with me,such as a date. keeps making excuses, any attempts I do to make our marriage better he is a road block.I know this sounds crazy,even to me, but does something seems wrong with this picture?part of me says this relationship is messed up, other parts of me says maybe its me

Hubby and I have been seperated now for 5 months, we are talking about ending it completely or working on it. I always thought I wanted to end it completely, but now that he is letting go, it scares me alot. I'm not sure if this is fear based more upon financial insecurity or if there is still something left to save. He acts like he loves me so much, and my family keeps telling me he does and that I am making a big mistake, I'm just terrified to let go completely. how do you deal with this fear and figure out what's actually going on in your head?

Answer 1

yes something is wrong, yes it at least border line abusive, no it not just you.

Answer 2

Everybody who just answered was wrong. It is probably you. I don't have enough information, such as who started the very first instance of violence, you or him. If it was you, then you just opened the door for domestic violence that day and it's never been closed since.
It's never right to hit a woman, and it's never justifiable, but it happens, and those that do it aren't evil, they're just confused and messed up.
Sex is too much work in a marriage sometimes. Men don't say so often, but it is--it's too much effort for the ten seconds of gratification and release.
You're complacent in your troubled relationship, and neither of you know how to make it better. The ways you want to try aren't resonating with him, and he's not making an effort. Maybe you could formulate a strategy together.
People in relationships almost always nitpick.
If I were psychoanalyzing you guys, from what you've said--I would think that you have cheated on him, and that's why he's so complacent about you. Or he perceives/suspects that you've cheated on him, and can't prove it--and is thus in relationship limbo.
Bottom line, neither of you are happy and neither of you are going to be happy until you find what drew you to each-other in the first place.

Answer 3

You are both at a crossroads.

I am sure that both you and he would like to save your marriage, especially for the sake of the children, but the hour appears very late for you.

A happy marriage is one where the couple remain friends for life, even if the sex is no longer great. You don't sound much like friends any more. A healthy marriage is one where you have respect and admiration for your spouse, and he for you, yet you both can still be honest and level with each other when you need to. A good relationship requires only a few key things: friendship, trust, and a sense of shared goals to build something together.

Your husband has a lot of pent-up anger (rage?) that has not been dealt with. That is why he doesn't want to talk. He will probably need counseling to break through the wall of silence to deal with his real issues. You may have real issues of unresolved anger as well, since you say you have been physically abusive to him as well. If so you may benefit from counseling too.

The verbal abuse is just another form of lashing out in anger. If you get to the bottom of your and his anger and deal with it, your marriage may still have a chance.

Answer 4

I think there is something wrong with you. You know this relationship is doomed, you're lucky to be alive, along with your child. The only loss you should feel right now is the loss of bumps and bruises. You need to get over the fact that he's gone and you might be at a loss for money. If he loves you he will send child support for the baby. Stop calling his people and get on with your life. I never blamed myself for having to beat my ex husband butt. I always said to him, ''never put your hands on me not even to act like you want to hit me or else I will deal with you'' and I did. I made a woman abuser run for the hills. It's a good thing that he left maybe he knows that there's a problem and realized that he could have killed you. Just because two people love each other, doesn't mean they should be together. Maybe you are part of the problem, at any rate, both of you need to seek counseling.

Answer 5

12 years of marriage? Shows both of you like each other enough to keep the marriage that long - and that is a good sign. True many marriageshave their own peculiar problems, but no good reason to turn violent. Then what to do? Let's look at it from another angle
1. Start with yourself. Determine to SAY nice things to him even when he doesn't deserve it. No nice things to say? then don't yakkety yak until you have.
2. Ask him ever so nicely, how he can help in making your coffee smell/taste better
3. quit smoking for a period (one month for starters) - smoking ain't good anyway, so claims the surgeon-general - and make that one canon fodder less
4. Begin to take care of yourself...look good, smile often and be nice/kind (to him & people around you). It's a beautiful world and we don't have ALL the time to enoy it.
5. Start a close relationship with God - Yeah, I know a lot of folks will scoff at the idea and think it stupid; but trust me, it really works and I've been married for 16 years to the same woman and enjoying it. So get a bible and read at least 3 chapters a day...you can start from either the old testament or the new. Take up this challenge
Summarily, see your situation as a competition between GOOD and EVIL and you represent THE GOOD part of the world (your sincerity in posting both of your failings shows that you are a basically nice and good person who'd like a better deal in her marriage). Any temptation to do, say or think evil should meet with a good response. DON'T ALLOW THE TRIUMPH OF EVIL IN THIS GAME. Many of us are rooting for you and I have no doubt you will come out tops by the end of February when this 'game' can officially be reviewed.
Good luck and remain blessed. I sure look forward to your testimony at month end.

Answer 6

Sounds like there is both physical and mental abuse in this relationship, and difinitely not a healthy one for you or the child/children. Counseling could be considered if both are willing to do this, and might even be helpful, but if he does not feel there is a problem, I would suspect he would not be open to this option. Everyone does have problems, but they should not be taken out on your spouse or family. Violence tends to get worse in most relationships over time if not dealt with and could become a matter of life and death without some kind of intervention.

Answer 7

There is something wrong, both of you need to see a marriage counselor, that is if you both want to save the marriage. If not it sounds like maybe he might have a honey on the side. Does he? No one should be in a marraige or a relationship where there is abuse. No man should hit a woman and no woman should hit a man. You should not be afraid to leave if you have to. You need to think of you and your kids. What are they seeing and hearing when you and him are fighting? If need be there are shelters for women who are in abusive relationships. I know it is hard to leave but the more you stay and the more he brings you down the more you will feel worthless. You don't want your kids to grow up and treat their partner like you where treated.

Answer 8

it is hard to let go or try to foresee your life without the one you have been with for so long. I have been there. I have also been abused by my ex, it's not worth it and yes he may still love you but it is not the love you started with. Love can change through the years. Regardless don't put yourself through this any longer. If for some reason you feel that there is that chance then fine but come into agreement that you will not come back home until you both have taken some counseling, but even then it is leery cause once they hit it is easier for them to do it again. Stand up for yourself be for it gets to ugly. Live your life to the fullest not letting someone else tear you down. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Well it is both of you. A man should never hit a woman, especially a pregnant woman. You are at fault for not leaving the first time. I wonder how your child(ren) will behave in their relationships in the future. You and your husband are not teaching your children how to be in successful, loving relationships. If someone in the future truly shows your adult child love, they wouldn't know what to do with it. I suggest getting counseling though it may be too late for you and your husband...a family therapist can start with the child(ren) and try to fix what you both have broken. Good luck..and I hope you leave before he kills you or your children..it happens everyday.

Answer 10

Sure, people have their problems, but choking you isn't a "problem", it's assault and battery. GET OUT NOW!! The very fact that you're questioning yourself is a sign that there's mental abuse going on. It won't stop with you (I have experience in this sort of thing). After the kids get old enough to think for themselves a little he'll start in on them and the cycle will continue. I pray that you don't go back.

Answer 11

u have not mentioned about love.do u love each other?do u share understanding and friendship?respect and trust for each other?if not...then it's barely marriage Hun..I'm sorry..i might sound harsh..but u have to sort out your feelings before it's too late.life is really beautiful.u cant compromise with life by doing things u don't want to.But if u really love each other..perhaps it's not too late.u can still go to a counselor...talk a lot about the problems and work things out.marriage is not a habit babe..u have to enjoy it..love it.by any means..he or u shouldn't have hit one another physically.it's not a good practice.good luck:)