Am I being selfish because just one time I'd like to come home to dinner on the table?

Question

I would just like something in return and I don't know how to ask for it without sounding like I'm nagging. Yes my husband works a 40 hour work week but all he does is come home, sit in his recliner and watch T.V. I work, come home, make dinner, feed the animals, do laundry, vaccuum, wash the bed covers, shovel snow/mow the lawn, pay the bills, sort the mail, grocery shop, I do it all. I understand that if I lived alone, I'd have to do all these things for myself anyway. What makes him exempt from all this. Yes he is spoiled and I love spoiling him but I need some help here digging out of the hole I've made. The things he does are very inconsiderate. If I have to work late and he knows there will be no dinner for him he'll order a pizza for himself-he'll never think about making or getting dinner for the 2 of us, just dinner for him. He never thinks past himself and I am very angry. Everything I do is for 2, everything he does is for him. I'm so unhappy. Help!

Answer 1

My dear, you are not being selfish. The problem is you are not being selfish enough. We are speaking about the neglected self. We are speaking about your neglected self.

If you allow this feelings of guilt, anger and frustration built any more than where it is now, then they will affect the foundation of love that you have built on, which is to share.

Don't allow yourself to build hatred against him because you have not allowed yourself to be heard. By letting this continue, you are only telling him, "yes, this situation is fine. I have no issues with it." Your silence becomes a lie that is unnecessary. It would be unfair to build dislike or hatred, or even blame him for something that you allowed to continue to happen.

The foundation of love can only be strong if it is built with trust and respect. That foundation of love must start within you first. You have vowed a life of sharing and giving. This vow is not being served if you are being and feeling neglected. You need to tell yourself that enough is enough, that your needs and desires must also come equally served as his'.

You must communicate with each other if you are to have a trusting and respectful relationship. Otherwise, your feeling of self neglect will breed hatred, mistrust and disrespect for him.

Give him a chance to redeem himself. Give him a chance to redeem you before it's all too late.

Go and talk to him. It's the only way to find and get to core of the answer that you are searching for.

Answer 2

To be honest with you, I don't think there is an solution for this problem other then to info him of how he is making you feel. As far as nagging is concern you have ever right to want help around the house as well as with dinner. Most men still believe that women are suppose to completely tend to the home as well as work and all the other things that comes with being a wife. The thing that never is brought up is the fact that you contribute to the home as well financially which in turn mean the house work and cooking should be shared. Explain to him how you feel if this does not work try martial counseling this should help him see some light from a different persons perspective,good luck

Answer 3

If your main source of income is a farm and that is where all of these purchases are going to then he is not being selfish. If those are the instruments he needs to increase or maintain your income then those are things that are necessities and not wants. That is the main question. Being selfish is buying things you want rather than what you need. I will also say that you are not being selfish in wanting to have a little fun with some of the money as well, because all work and no play makes your husband a dull boy and essentially a dull family. All I can say is talk to him and let him know how you feel. Maybe you can work something out to have a certain allowance per month to do something fun.

Answer 4

No, there is clearly no balance in your marriage... you have to TELL him and then SHOW him. If you are like I 'was', the house being unclean bothered you, so you took it upon yourself to set things right... been there done that... it sucks because then it becomes expected of you all the time.

What finally worked in my relationship was to STOP and LEARN from him. Bring home dinner for yourself or let him know you ate on the way home. I tossed all his laundry in a backroom and did only mine. I sprang for a few bucks and paid a neighbor's kid to handle my yard and snow removal (still worth it). When he was wrapped in front of the TV I found an interesting hobby or visited friends on the phone (frankly, I enjoyed that part). Even the grocery shopping became a social event for me. The mail and the bills? I love that because I know what is going on and that all is current. The animals? I love our pets but when they were getting to be too much... his favorite was the first to go.

I understanding, the asking thing gets you judged for being a NAG when all you are doing is asking for legitimate help.

I wrote a tight to the point letter listing my grievances and directly requested his involvement to take a load off me. When there was no improvement I became a new, more independent mate with a balanced life that suited me. I tossed things that were in the way (most of his stuff). I found time for friends and for myself... BOY did that worry him. Now we even work from a list and have 1 day a week where we both are sharing chores and 1 day a week that is sole US... and it is GREAT. I now have a friend, an equal rather than a burden.

Good luck, dear... I do understand.

Answer 5

That's never being selfish, of course everyone wants to come home from a hard and complicated job to a dinner. We all need a break once in a while! But that is being selfish and unfair only getting dinner for himself. You deserve better. Try persuading him to make you dinner. That might work. You know how guys get when you persuade them to do something. lol. Don't you? And yes, that is kind of a problem coming home from work, making dinner, feeding your animals, doing the laundry, and vaccuming and all that stuff you do, that is unfair, because he sits there on the recliner watching T.V. when he gets home, orders/makes something for himself and leaves you to all the work in the house when you're just coming in from work. You shouldn't be doing that. So, like I said, try to persuade him into making dinner before you get home and helping out around the house.

Answer 6

This is so typical. I've been told on here that men work hard labor that women choose not to do and when they come home someone should take care of them. I work hard too(predominantly male job also) and my husband felt the same way. When he comes home he wants to have fun and I should do the work .By the way we're divorced now. Go on strike. Stop doing his laundry, he'll start doing it when he's looking for clean underwear and there isn't any. Ask him if he likes to eat and then hand him a shopping list. He is not of the generation of women's work is in the home. He's younger than that and should have been taught some of these things. Good luck

Answer 7

No, of course you aren't selfish, but I'm guessing his parents might have had the same setup when he was growing up and/or he thinks you are OK with this arrangement (with you being taken advantage of). I think you should set up a schedule where 3 or 4 nights you are responsible for cooking dinner, and 3 or 4 nights of the week he is responsible for dinner, either cooking, ordering in (for 2!) or going out to eat.

And you should also figure out half the chores that he is willing to do as well! One way you might approach this is you could say that all the chores and cooking is taking away all your excess energy for him if you know what I mean! Maybe that will motivate him!!!

Answer 8

Girl girl girl, Its going to be hard to make him change and to understand that you need some consideration. I understand the way you feel, you come home tired and wam!! the house a mess and no food then you end up working double duty. Talk to him, if you have too mention it everyday to him he'll get fusterrated maybe you'll end up arguing but so what until he understands, dont give him any and stop thinking about him for a while when you get home one day dont talk to him go take care of yourself cook your own meal dont ask him if he wants to eat, if you have a mess turn on the radio be happy with yourself clean up, you need to change yourself little. And watch he'll get it thru his head slowlly, but just keep at it but be happy.

Answer 9

Hi, looks like his foundation is lose, have you talk to him about that both of you work and you need assistance in home duties,and is not fair if only you do the home duties! feel so sad for people like you ,,,,,,,but never give up make communication with him by saying you get very tired and you need some help as both are living in the same roof.

Answer 10

Start making dinner for one then... see how he feels. Come home and pop a microwave dinner in the oven ans set down and eat it in-front of him.
I am sure that if you do it enough he will get the hint... when he asks why you are doing it then tell him everything that you just told us!
That is not fair of him BTW.