Am I a bad person and mother? Please answer this question!!!?

Question

I have been married for 13 years, I alway's promised myself that I will give my children a normal and stable life and they will not know divorce. I have a 12year old & an 8yr old. I have worked very hard on my marriage through the years, initially I have worked through debt my husband made, then drinking, then physical fighting, then his affairs. The last few years all that has calmed down, there is still some drinking on ocasion, but not so bad. The thing is he has become controlling, extremely so, I can not eat, sleep or breathe as I want. He is permanently insulting me and speaks to me as if I am trash- funny enough, then the next minute he say's he loves me, wants sex & I have become this robot that goes with the flow. He has temper outbursts all the time, I feel I am going crazy. I want out, seriously- but am I a bad mother?

I just want peace and find myself again- I do not want to be married- but also feel sorry for him & am scared to tell him & do not know how- Mainly I need your opinion on whether I am a bad mother???

Answer 1

if youhave to ask then probably yes

Answer 2

Well you are talking about the situation with your husband, and then you ask if are being a bad mother..Have you done anything bad to the kids, like let out your frustrations on them? Dont mix them with problems between you and your husband. Disregard my question if that is not the case...I go through the same situation with my boyfriend of many, many years...the good thing is that i have my own apartment...so i can flee here to take a break..he also drinks all day and get weird, and the next day he is all sweet and acts like nothing happened. I always wonder if i would bring any children into this relationship. We also get into physical fights and name calling, but none of that would happen if he didnt drink. He also calls me names and "tries" to put me down.. I dont even say a thing most of the time, i just try to stay away from him, i leave the next day and stay away for a while...I have asked him to repeat that he has an alcohol problem and he did, but that didnt do anything. I also feel sorry for him, he is alone and depressed, but i know, im wasting my time, but feel im doing something good to a lost human being. Your husband should go to meeting for alcoholics and or anger management. I have a good feeling, for me and you that if it werent for the alcohol, we, women, wouldnt have to fight and live a violent life...it is the circumstances of the drinking that put us on this situation. Tell him that you will leave if he doesnt change..explain that the environment is not good for you or your children..if it comes to it, the courts will help him understand that, and will suggest or make him go out there and get better so he can do better for his family. God bless you and give you wisdom...Peace and love in your life always

Answer 3

not at all. just because your husband treats you in a bad way doesnt make you a bad mother. i think that if anything you and your children should think that you are infact a very noble and brave woman to stand by a man and take all that youve been through. youre kids will think that you are a far better perso for standing by him than just running. its great that you have worked at things but maybe he now thinks that because you took all what you haev previously you can take anything. now is the time for that worthy, brave and noble woman to take a stand once again tell her husband to stop it or get out, if it comes to it then you and youur children go. it may make him reakise the error of his ways. if he doesnt then it sjows hes just one of those people that no matter how much love and support you give them there is just no helping them. i think that its better for a child to grow up in a single parent home so they can develop see what went on in your life and know what not to do in theirs, rather than stay in a marriage like that and make not only yourselves but your children unhappy too.
divorce can lead to rediscovering yourself and allowing youurself to grow, shed the robot status that you have become and be your own controller.
just because you siad that yoyr children will never know divorce doesnt mean that it cant happen sometimes its the only thing that can remedy the situation.
be brave and make a stand for you and your children. your not a bad mother, hes being a poor father and may drag you onto his level if you dont do something now.
good luck to you and your children x

Answer 4

No you are not a bad mother you are thinking of your children first and that what any mother should do. Your children come first because i feel at the the end of the day your children are who you have at the end of the day. And he will never change .And he will continue to tell you that he loves you as he knows that what you want to hear and he will keep treating you this way so you need to think about yourself and your children and whats best for them. You have 2 options keep letting your children see you getting hurt or walk away and see them happy because all of this is reflecting on your children and what they see with you and your husband will reflect on them now and when they get older they will think this is how you treat women if you have boys and your daughters will think well this is how women are treated so you need to think hard what is best for you and your children

Answer 5

I'm speaking as an adult child of divorced parents. They divorced when I was 14. I don't think that you're a bad mother or you wouldn't be taking your kids into consideration. It might be a good idea to talk with them about it and get their input. My Mom asked us about it and I told her I thought it was a good idea....my father never forgave me for that, but it was the way that I felt. Looking back, there was just nothing else to be done. My father drank a lot and was verbally abusive and on the verge of becoming physically abusive. Know that it will change your lives forever. As a child of divorced parents I can say that it's difficult to deal with things like holidays because I have to choose who to spend it with and I feel the obligation to share even though I'd always rather spend time with my Mom as opposed to my father. I feel some jealousy seeing friends whose parents have always been together who don't have to make that decision. I do wish my parents could have stayed together just to have a single family and not deal with having to choose that or with step-parents and so forth, but I know that this was something that had to be done or we would have been miserable. I have deep religious faith too and I still feel that this had to be done, even though I'm not supper happy that it turned out that way. Do what you need to do to protect your family, especially your kids. He may become more abusive in the future and eventually to the kids. I can say that I felt so oppressed and scared of my father that I would never have developed any self-confidence or broken out of my "shell" if he had stayed in our lives much longer. Divorce certainly brings up complications, but I guess you have to look at the big picture and decide what's best for you and your childrens' future. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 6

This might seem weird but either film or even tape record one of his episodes. Then play it to him when he's sober and let him hear how hurtful his words are. He might be surprised when he hears himself and hears the tone in his voice. If you can, play him the tape the next day. It might help especially if he still has feelings in his head from the day before. If all else fails, you have something to show your divorce lawyer. You are not a bad mom. If your children are being affected by their father in any way you feel is harmful to them, and you keep them there just to honor your marriage vows, then you are a bad mom. You have more than just yourself to think about.

Answer 7

no you are not a bad mother..i've been in that situation before and it's hard. i know exactly where you're coming from. the only advise i can offer you is to maybe "seperate" for a few months and let him know you will not tolerate his controlling behavior. it will give you a break from him and let you gain your independence again, and it will also give him a good hard wake up call knowing that he better straighten up or you're moving on. you have to do what you are comfortable with in your heart. if divorce is not an option for you that doesn't make you a bad mother. it shows your kids commitment (we do say for better or for worse). it does have it's negative impacts too because they will learn that behavior, but divorce has negative as well. if you need to talk feel free to email me...i've been where you are. [e-mail]

Answer 8

No, you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. You sound like a perfectly fine mother. :-)
But, your husband does not sound a very good role model for your kids, and since he is abusing you in that manner, my advice is to seek out some help from an organization. Do not be afraid to talk to somebody about this, its very important. If you really stifled and trapped, then a divorce is a possible option. I hope everything works out alright for you, best of luck.

Answer 9

You are the only person that can decide if things are bad enough to get divorced. You need to look at your situation and consider if divorce is better for you and your family. This is a hard decision because you want to put your children first. Good luck.

Answer 10

First thing is that Marriage is a full time job, however it is teamwork also. You have mentioned that you you you have tried etc, you can not make a marriage work by yourself. It takes two.

You can not give 100% and him nothing. You need to stick up for yourself, and your kids. RESPECT yourself. You can love someone but refuse to be treated like that. Your kids will respect you for that to.

I believe marriage is forever, however you can not do it alone.

My first husband, 13 years of marriage. Abused me mentally & phyically and my kids witness this. However I could not take it anymore. No regrets, I beleive I did everthing I possible could to make it work.

Now, remarried to a Wonderful man of 13 years together, 11 married. I had to get out of the first marraige, he was just hurting me mentally & phyically he was hurting my kids. Do what your head & heart tell you to do.......

As for the kids, kids will adjust, however you don't want them to think this behavior is alright. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! You are not his kid, YOU ARE HIS WIFE!
Good luck

Answer 11

You will be a much more responsible mother if you get out of a broken marriage NOW - your children will be MUCH better off. I grew up listening to my parents fight and being subjected to my father's abuse. My mother finally got the nerve to leave him when I was 16, but I was already pretty messed up. I'm still seeing psychologists now.
Children with divorced parents live normal, happy lives. Seeing their parents happy and mentally stable is the most important thing.
I urge you to get out of this abusive relationship because it will only hurt you and your children. And no, you are not a bad mother but you will expose your children to a ton of psychological pain if you continue to subject them to this abuse.