Ok....I am a 33 yr old single Mother....I have 2 kids from a previous marriage...my kids are by a caucasion man....
I have started dating someone who is African American....ALOT younger then me...he's 21....but VERY good to us....
We have been going out for close to a yr now....exclusively for at least the past 6 mo's.......we have gotten REAL close & have admitted that there are feelings there...serious feelings...
The problem is.....My Mom is prejudice against interracial dating....she doesnt mind when I introduced him as my friend...but she will throw a gasket when she finds out we are dating....
Last night, my BF asked me to Marry him...
I want to sooo bad....I am totally in love with him....
My Mom has disowned me before for my choice in men...then rejoined my family when I met my Ex Husband....I have kids now...& I am afraid she will disown me again...How will I explain it to the kids, if she does? They really like alot....
How would I handle this?
2007-02-01 19:22:03 · 21 answers · asked by mysticfairy74 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Should I Marry him & hope Mom doesnt disown me?
Should I just leave things the way they are?
I am so confused.....
2007-02-01 19:22:54 · update #1
It's sad that people still have that kind of prejudice in today's society, but they do. You should marry this guy if u truly love him, and are 100% sure of getting married again. You are 33 years old, and u need to make decisions that are right for u and your family, regardless of your Mom's problems with him. If u decide to do this, then u need to sit down with your Mom and explain how much it hurt u last time she disowned u, and how u hope she can stand by your side in this decision whether she agrees with it or not, because u love her and u want her in your life. If she decides she can't handle it, then she should at least keep the grandchildren in her life, they have no decision in this matter, and they should never be put in the middle. Combining a family into a marriage is tough enough, without this other obstacle, so please be sure u and your new man are up to taking on such a challenge. It should not be a decision made lightly. Good luck, and do what is right for u in your heart, and remember u can't change other's views, u can only try to understand them.
2007-02-02 02:38:24 · answer #1 · answered by Amber 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not marry this man for a long time. Yes he is good to you , but he is still very, very young.
Sure you have feelings for each other, but that doesn't mean that you have to tie the knot right away. I am sure his intentions are great, but....
I seriously doubt that any 21 yr old (young) man is ready to take on the responsibilities of a a full fledged family, especially when the daily stresses of life come into the equasion.
I am sort of wondering what attracted you to such a young person, but I guess that is beside the point.
As far as your mother is concerned, you must live your own life, you are 33 years old and need to decide for yourself and deal with the consequences of your actions.
Your mom knows this young man is a "friend" of yours, so just gradually ease into telling her.
Tell her on occasion how much he helped you with something for example, bring him up in conversations, she will soon figure out that there is more going on.
I would hope for your sake and your children's sake that she will not disown you, , if she does, it really depends on your children's ages as to what to tell them.
But please, don't get married, accepting his proposal is premature, after 6 months of "being exclusive" you don't nearly know each other well enough.
Consider your children in this too a split from a boyfriend is a little easier for them to tolerate than going through another divorce and losing a father figure.
Good luck !
2007-02-01 19:39:25 · answer #2 · answered by thatswhattheytoldmelastnight 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good day to you. I was wondering why are you so afraid to be disowned when you are already 33 yrs. old. If you have a job and can support yourself and your two kids what's the problem? If I love the man so much and had asked me to marry him, then I should be elated and so should my family. Your mother is suffering from racial discrimination, and since it is your life that matters then go and be happy with the man you loved. Explain to your kids the situation and asked them what do they feel. If you have a good relationship with your kids, there will be no problem. Remember we make our own life and happiness not other people. Since you were disowned before then you don't have to worry if for the second time you will be disowned again. Just be prepared to face the future without your mother. It is not always true that mother knows best, but it is true that an honorable man always asked his love for marriage if he is in love with a woman.
Pray for God's assistance ang guidance and good luck to you.
2007-02-01 19:33:58 · answer #3 · answered by yolanda o 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think race should have nothing to do with who one loves. I do think that since you have been married once and have children by previous marriage that you should think long and hard about a man that is only 21 yrs old, regardless of race. Your first marriage failed, now your with a man that is only about three yrs out of High School and expect for your mother not to be worried. This 21 yr old man has not even a ounce of experience that you have. He does have harmones that will be working over time, and you could be left home with the children while he is out partying and catching up on what he has missed out on by getting into a commitment situation with you. Dating is one thing, but every day with a woman with children, ready made family? This could get old real fast. The marriage word is so romantic, but when the kids start not minding, hungry and need attention, sick, and life starts getting more demanding for the children's every day needs, is he really old enough to except such a huge responsibility. My old Aunt told me after a couple fail marriages, she said, first time I married for love, second time I married because I was in heat, the next time I marry will be for money. she died alone. Take more time and be sure, this is a single man and you have a ready made family that you want him to be responsible for. This may not even be fair to him. Not saying it want work, just saying be sure it will.
2007-02-01 19:47:01 · answer #4 · answered by m c 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The idea and decision of marriage is really about you and your kids, and NO ONE else! You are the one who is going to be living with this person… and this is the one decision which you should be selfish in when taking…
But still, this doesn't mean that you should not care about your mom…
You know your mom best, and you are the one who can figure out how to talk to her and let her not disown you. Each and every human being has some weakness points – once you hit on these points, then you can get this person to accept your decision. So find out how to get to your mom…
My guess is that you will have to get to her through your children…
But as I said, you can judge best on how to deal with her.
Good luck
2007-02-01 19:28:51 · answer #5 · answered by ✿Purple✿ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you love him marry him..I first started dating african american men when i was 16 and my dad was prejudice..well he just didnt think races should mix he didnt talk to me for awhile but eventually he came to his senses and got over it..remember skin is nothing but a color we all look the same in the dark..as for your kids it would be very wrong for your mother to disown them too they are her grandchildren and if thats the way she wants to be then let her because one day she will learn she made a mistake and she will have to live with the regret of making that choice...so you go for it girl marry that man!!!!!
2007-02-01 21:02:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
As long as he will be a GOOD provider for your family (house, car, money, etc...) and not just great sex for you, then you should definitely do it. Some parents are really bad like this, but most eventually come around and stop being so cruel. Also, she will not be able to be part of your children's lives is she doesn't forgive you. You can use that as leverage against her. But what is most important is what's best for you and the kids, unless of course your mother's going to buy you a house, car, children's education, retirement funds, etc...
2007-02-01 19:44:59 · answer #7 · answered by A dad & a teacher 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be practical, Now evaluate the situation based on following suggestions.
01 Decision has to be made on cost and benefits you can count it on subjective basis such as how long this relationship will be maintained by both end since he is only 21 and how much you have to compromise to maintain this relationship.
02 You wish to go alone or alongwith your kids, if it is alongwith kids, will he be ready to accomodate them. And if not how you will compell to your social responsibility towards kids and how much morale support you will get from him.
2007-02-01 19:30:09 · answer #8 · answered by Mritunjay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's your life, learn to live it. Mom will do whatever Mom will do, but you shouldn't let that make your decisions for you. Marry the man you love, who loves your kids and tell them the truth. Grandma is prejudiced and can't see what a good person your hubby to be is. Let them decide if she's right or wrong. Answer their questions with gentle honesty and be there for them. If he makes you and your kids happy, you owe it to yourself and them to follow your heart.
Congratulations!
2007-02-01 19:28:37 · answer #9 · answered by kiera70 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry. it is just an old people thing. they are like that. if you love him be with him. your grandmother will understand. if she disowns you, it is not like you are a little girl anymore. plus you can support yourself. you have children to take care of. why would she disown you after knowing that you have responsibilities and that you are an adult?
try talking to her about it.
2007-02-01 19:28:25 · answer #10 · answered by John Becker 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋