How do I deal with my daughter's anger?

Question

My daughter is 14 and lives with her Dad in another state. He has moved due to job reasons and left her with his Mom.

She wanted me to come and live with them, but we are divorced and I don't think that he has changed so I did not.

I tried to talk to her and she hung up the phone on me.

Now, she says that she has two parents who are far away. One (my ex-husband) calls her everyday and talks to her.

I have not called her for about 1 week because she refuses to talk to me. She sent me a message on facebook that I should think that I don't have a daughter anymore. I should feel that she is dead to me.

I had asked my ex-husband to send my daughter to me and he did not.

Now, I am made out to be the bad person because I did not come back and put the family back together as they wanted me to.

How should I react to her telling me that she is dead for me?

Answer 1

She is 14. Life IS drama.

By no means take it lightly, but don't' take it as seriously. She is hurt and angry and may not fully understand what she is doing to you. Someone with a little more life experience would understand that is something to do only unless you really meant it. I somehow doubt that she does.

She is hurt and just wants to hurt you.
React by empathizing. She WANTS you to react to it, to come barging back and shake her and tell her that you care. She wants to feel loved, and she is daring you to come and prove it to her, to "Change her mind"

Don't take what she says on face value. She is trying to force you to come back.

The worst thing you can do is take it on face value and accept that she never truly wants to see you again.

All she will do is get more angry (while not quite knowing why) and blame you for it, and then try and stick out her stance that she doesn't want to see you.

Answer 2

Your daughter has every right to be angry. Look at the disaster you and her father have created for her life. She is not going to listen to a word you say, she's looking for action. A teenage girl desperately needs her mother. So WHY on earth are you living in another state than your child?

You want to show your daughter than you give a damn? Pack up and move. Go to where she is. She is pleading for you and there you sit, while she's stuck with Grandma.

I would crawl through broken glass to get to where my kid was living. Doesn't matter whether you or your ex moved in the first place. You should be where your daughter is. Now go.

Answer 3

Write your daughter a letter explaining how much you love her.
Fourteen is a very difficult age for you and her, Give her some encouraging memories of times you have spent with her, tell her what you would like to do with her in the future, don't be demanding of her when you do see her, offer to be her friend, remember that she is going through some traumatic experiences> My twin daughters ran away from home when they were 14 and I was traumatised and felt that I was not a good father. I tried many ways to get them back and it always seemed to backfire, even having social security backing the children, only to find that the children couldn't abide by their rules and being kicked out of their accomodation. Only then did the children come back to me. But they still have hang ups and now have their own children. I was unable to share in their teenage years and watch them grow up in the love and nurture I would have so much desired. Encouraging them to meet the right person and to achieve their goals in life.
You need to be able to do this with your daughter, she is probably influenced by her friends and her own hurt feelings. Send her flowers and say that they remind you of her. (fresh and alive)

Answer 4

It's a tough situation. She's mad right now. She needs some space and time to cool down. Don't take it personally. People say things they don't mean when they are angry and hurt. Especially teenagers. You have to understand she is being run by feelings and emotions right now. She can't think very clear. She's speaking from pain. Give her about a month. Then try talking to her again. Keep trying. She might try talking to you first. Unfortunately, sometimes kids have to get on their own before they realize what jerks they were to their parents. You might have to wait till after she's out on her own. Just be patient. Don't force the issue. Also remember that you are the adult and she is still the child. Despite her thinking she's mature enough to make her own decisions she is not. Be patient. Very patient. When she gets emotional stay calm and cool. You are in control and NOT her. You are the adult. Just give her time. Also remember that when she starts to talk to you don't bad mouth her dad. Many kids try to pit one parent against another. They will manipulate both of you if they can. Keep the line of communication open to your ex too. When she tries to talk to you remember to explain your position clearly. If you have made any mistakes admit them. Keep the line of communication open. You might try just telling her you will be open to talk to her and that you are tired of beating your head against the wall. You can't force the issue. Let her come to you. She sounds like she already will at some point. Just give her time.

Answer 5

Your daughter is acting like she is because of what you and her father have done. You broke up the marriage and so now she is paying the price for it. By dealing with the split up, she is now showing anger to let you know that it is affecting her.

Your daughter is crying out to YOU, mom, to help her cope with her anger

If you don't think he hasn't changed, why is your daughter living with him? You say that you don't want to live closer to your daughter because you "think" that he hasn't changed? Madam, this is not about you and your ex-husband anymore, this is about your daughter who needs a mom to be around her! Can't you see that she needs you? Your daughter is right that she says she now has two parents who live far away. Two parents who don't really care for her 'needs'. She is 14, for crying out loud.

How dare you treat your daughter like that, not calling her for one week. So what if she refuses to talk to you, at least you called to see how she is doing. Of course she telling you that you don't have a daughter anymore because you are not showing her that you are still her mother. She is hurting.

If your husband is not willing to send her back, then YOU do what it takes to get her back even if you have to go live closer to her. You are her mother, for crying out loud!

Not sure who left who, but she is crying out for you. Not anyone else. You have not done your duty to go and see her, to call her anymore, so yes, you are the bad one here.

This is what she really means, "To her, you are not there anymore".

If you love your daughter so much, then you will do what it takes to take her pain away, by going there to visit her, or by moving closer to her. Otherwise, she will experience some trouble ahead of her, and she is showing some signs now. So help her, by being there for her and showing your love for her. Your daughter needs you. (smile) Sorry for being so harsh here, just dont like hearing such stories to where a child is the one that suffers all because the parents could not make their marriage work. So sad to hear.

Answer 6

My daughter has the same feeling towards me, but is much older. At age 14, you must try to not let this continue. She needs her mom at this age. Let her know how much that hurts you. Write her a letter and tell her how much you love her. Don't get angry. Teen-agers say things before they realize what they're saying. We all did. Keep in touch with her. As much as you can. She'll come around. I know what she said hurts. Don't dwell on it, put it in the past, and forget it. She probably didn't mean it, and wishes she didn't say it. She's young, she'll need your attention and love. Don't give up.

Answer 7

She is a young teenage girl who desperately needs her mother in her life. And by telling you these awful things, she is trying to get your attention and make you see that the situation is very bad for her. Since her father has primary custody and refuses to give that up, can't you figure out a way to move close to her so you can be there? She must feel totally abandoned by the both of you right now. I just can't imagine being in her shoes. Or yours. Good luck.

Answer 8

Why don't you get off your butt and go get that poor girl.

How the hell would you feel if you were her?

She doesn't want to talk on the phone or send notes - she wants a parent to be there.

Are you trying to screw her up for life?

Go get her and bring her home. Damn. It's not hard, you just have to put aside your selfishness and do something for your child.

Get off of yahoo and in the damn car.

Answer 9

Are we in the same boat? Yes, we are and we have no paddles...What I have learned is that she is acting out because she is not getting her way...

You daughter loves you..She really does..As much as kids can be asses, if something ever happened to you, it would kill her..

Hang in there, as she is 14 and her thoughts will change like most people change their socks..

Good luck

Answer 10

lol at age 16 i know your daughter is retarded even when i was 12 i could understand and it's not your fault maybe she won't ever be smart enough you shouldn't react at all you should feel bad that her dad could make her think what he wants it's not your fault and your gona have to forget your daughter because she is ignorant =(