Here's my situation. Married 8yrs. Not in love, but have a great wife. She's a great person, great morals, selfless, loving, etc. However, I married her for the wrong reasons. I thought I would learn to love her. We were both in a bad place when we met. A year or so later, married. We have no kids, but she REALLY wants them. I don't. We've been fighting and I have gotten to the point where I have already left her (in my mind). I don't love her, but I do care for her very much and hate to see her hurt in any way.
I want a divorce, but not sure if I have the guts because I feel it's selfish. What do you think? Thanks.
2007-02-01 11:19:19 · 36 answers · asked by Crazed 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok... let me get this straight. She's a great person, great morals, selfless, loving, etc. But you're not in love with her? What do you mean not in love?
Marriage is NOT all about being in love. It's about respect, honesty, trust, having someone there with you to share the day to day trials and joys. It's about commitment. You know, those vows that you said to her? Love, honor, cherish, TIL DEATH DO US PART? You've had this with her for 8 years... I just don't get it. If she's so great, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
As for not wanting to hurt her - imagine someone you love telling you that they've been lying to you for 8 years. That's what you're going to do to her, so regardless of how you do it, it's gonna hurt her like he!!. In my opinion, except in cases of abuse, addiction, or adultery, divorce is almost always a selfish decision on the part of one spouse. You don't say how she feels about you, but I'm guessing if she's been with you this long, she loves you.
Do yourself and her a favor though, and don't bring any kids into this marriage unless you've worked out these issues in counseling.
But, you're going to do what you want. And if you want out, do it now, because the longer you wait, the more it's going to hurt her.
2007-02-01 12:24:28 · answer #1 · answered by ~StepfordWife~ 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
First of all, marriage is a committment. You basically said in your vows that you would stay with this woman for eternity. Now you want to take back your promise. Years ago people stayed married and made it work because of that promise. These days everyone is ready to sign those papers like marriage is a game that you can quit when you get tired of it. You are not in love but I bet you still sleep with your wife eh? She's good enough for that but not for the long haul. I have heard from many wise folks that love alone can't make a marriage work; therefore, you can not use lack of love as an excuse for marriage not working. Your marriage is failing cause you want it to fail. I think you have other reasons for wanting a divorce. Perhaps you miss the single life. Keep in mind that that gets old to and after awhile you won't love it either.
2007-02-01 11:53:20 · answer #2 · answered by tayy2004 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're in a tough spot brother. I know what you mean, you don't want to hurt her, but you also don't want to hurt yourself.
Ultimately, you need to just let her go. It's going to hurt her for a while, but trust me, please trust me on this, she will get over it. It might take months, even a year or two (I doubt two), but she'll work through it. In the long run, you're helping both of you to move on to a more meaningful relationship. You can't just go on with this "fake" marriage, and that's basically what it is. You're living a lie.
You definitely don't want to bring a child into this equation. That will complicate matters and make you resent her even more. You'll feel like she's "tricked" you into staying with the baby by pushing so hard for one. If you can muster the courage to do this one good deed, an I do mean that it's good, then I think she'll be thankful down the road. You may even end up salvaging some sort of friendship.
Don't let it go any further though bro,.. you've already left her in your head and now it's time to let the it out. Do the right thing for the both of you, but do it like a gentleman which it honestly sounds like you will. Good luck.
2007-02-01 12:08:22 · answer #3 · answered by Justin W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Staying married to her for 8 years without loving her? YOU GOT BALLS. but if your thinking about leaving her, it's certainly is your choice, you know that you should've been honest with her a long time ago about your feelings. but leaving her? you might regret it later on in life, considering she's a great wife, great person, great morals, selfless, loving, etc.
Now, why would you want to leave a wife like that? You got a WINNER that so many guys out there crave for! You would be crazy to let her go. Some other guy will snag her & you will lose her forever. Later on in life, when you find someone else (who will probably be NOT as great as her) you then will think about it & might regret leaving her. It's very rare that there are a lot of women like her that's out there. It's also very rare that if you have it, you leave it & will find another one just like it.
Some people take love for granted, but don't realize it till it's too late. I'm just saying that when you get older, you will know what i mean. You want someone who is a good person, someone who you can count on to love you, be honest with you & take care of you when your OLD and WRINKLED. Someone who will stay by your side no matter what. It's too bad that now a days, men stick to girls who have "model type body" that give good sex but in the long run, these type of girls they choose end up being liars, using you for money & cheating on you.
2007-02-01 11:40:17 · answer #4 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you feel no love for her then continuing this marriage wouldnt be a good idea. You stated that you married due to certain circumstances. Now she is wanting kids and you dont. I am not a therapist or anything but it sounds like you both need to be freed from this marriage. There is no reason to carry on for another 8 years plus and try to make it work if its not yet it probably wont get any better. In a marriage its two people who love each other and who truly want to spend the rest of their lives together my advice is to talk w/her and make her understand that this marriage isnt working and that its time you both take the time to find each others true significant other. Good luck and hopefully you will both get that opportunity.
2007-02-01 12:07:53 · answer #5 · answered by hotmoma1 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sweetheart, I'm sorry for both of you. but staying married to her is not going to get any easier. there will be more and more fights over her desire for children. I know that you don't want to hurt her, but the best thing for both of you is to tell her the truth, get it out in the open, and get a divorce. you're not happy, and she's not happy either. I believe that you've tried your best, but you can't make yourself love someone when the feelings just aren't there. I don't think that you're a selfish person, but I do think that you owe her the truth. I know that telling her will probably be the hardest thing that you've ever had to do, but I think it's the right thing. you both deserve to be happy, and as long as you stay in this marriage, you'll both become more unhappy.
I wish there was an easy way to do what you need to do, but there isn't. just be honest. that's all you can do.
Best Wishes.
2007-02-01 11:43:06 · answer #6 · answered by atiana 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are being selfish! You don't love her anymore, don't want to make her happy, are not into your marriage 100% but you think you don't have the guts to divorce her. That's not fair. She has every right to be happy, let someone love her unconditionally.
Marriage has bad time, good, etc.. I don't believe you are trying to make your marriage work. Marriage is a full time job and if you don't work on it everyday, then you can loose the passion etc.
If for sure you know what you want to do, believe that you have tried everything, given it 100% but still nothing. Then you need to tell her how you feel and divorce her because she deserves to be happy and someone love her.
2007-02-02 01:43:49 · answer #7 · answered by sbratt2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must leave. This relationship is not built on love and trust. You have deceived her and what would be the purpose of furthering that deception? Let her go before children arrive and you will then feel even more obligation to stay in this relationship.
You may not want to hurt her, but at the cost of your own happiness, and ultimately hers. She wants a family, you do not. Thats a big DEAL.Cut her loose so that all can eventually be happy. Make sure you let her know that she is perfect, just not for you.
2007-02-01 11:30:01 · answer #8 · answered by Brainiac 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I stayed married for that reason for 8 years till I couldn't take it anymore. The best thing you can do for her and yourself, is to leave. You are depriving both of you from having a happy life, which everyone is entitled to. You aren't being selfish. Don't get me wrong, she's gonna hurt bad. But time heals all wounds. One day, she'll see and understand. She can move on with her life and find a man that can give her what she wants.
Good luck.
2007-02-01 12:23:35 · answer #9 · answered by justright73 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I sound like your wife. And yes you are selfish. Your looking out for her and are ready to weep the consequences to your heart.
Learning to love someone boy I know that one...but Im so happy even after the first 5 years of marriage were HELL.
Are you not over someone? I can't believe that you married her knowing that you felt this way. At least your honest. Let me ask you this. Could you handle seeing your wife with another man? If so then its time to sign.
Don't bring kids into it please you'll be paying for it later and its not fair to the child. Tell her the truth even though she'll probably kick your butt.. Its better for her to know now then knock her up and be the bad guy who ran out on his wife and child... Good luck let me know how it turns out.
2007-02-01 11:31:47 · answer #10 · answered by anabanana 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋