I need feedback on my writing?

Question

This is the first paragraph of a short story i'm writing, and I don't feel that my friends and family give me honest feedback:

The black pines loomed silently over the glade they surrounded, casting long shadows that whispered to one another and shivered in the wind. The brook maundered confusedly to the whispering grasses along its edge, as a gust of wind across its surface hissed and flew along the hard ground to slam clattering stones together. Two motionless shadows, darker than the rest, stood beneath the blackened and twisted limbs of a tree on the far side of the field. The taller shadow glided along the ground and onto the path that gleamed in the moonlight. The other shadow shook itself and hesitantly followed. They swept along the moonlit path, making no sound amid the clacking of branches and eerie sounds of the night.

Thank you for your time and advice!

Answer 1

It has a lot of descriptiveness. I wouldn't any more adjectives to it. I don't think you need both hissed and flew because in order for wind to hiss it has to fly. It is implied when you say hiss. I would also add something that would let the reader know where the brook is in relation to the black pines. It is not necessary to say "gleamed in the moonlight" and "moonlit path," the one implies the other. So pick one, it doesn't mater which one.
In the following paragraphs I would try not to use as many adjectives since you set a good part of the scene here and so that you don't lose the reader trying to remember what everything is supposed to look like. Make them use some of their own imagination.

Answer 2

Very descriptive!! Nice Start. I copied it into my answer and worded a couple of the sentences differently. See what you think...

Take Care,
Zauberpfeffer


The black pines loomed silently over the glade they surrounded, casting long shadows that whispered to one another, shivering in the wind. The brook meandered confusedly to the whispering grasses along its edge. A gust of wind across its surface hissed and flew along the hard ground to slam clattering stones together. Two motionless shadows darker than the rest stood beneath the blackened and twisted limbs of a tree on the far side of the field. The taller shadow glided along the ground and onto the path that gleamed in the moonlight. The other shadow shook itself and hesitantly followed. They swept along the moonlit path making no sound amid the clacking of branches and eerie sounds of the night.

Answer 3

Great imagery! A few too many adverbs and adjectives, though.

For a stronger start, I'd eliminate the first 'the' and just start as 'Black pines loomed...' Besides sounding better, 'the' should refer to something, and we don't know what pines you're talking about. Similarly, I would write 'A brook.' As for the shadows... that's a bit cliche. There is great potential in this writing; I'm just trying to offer helpful hints.

Answer 4

I'd say, "Go for it".

If you really want to know how good you are why not try submitting some of your work to this site? They have lots of categories in to which you can submit your work, short story, novel, etc. Competitions are held monthly and winners get a cash prize.........worth a shot, isn't it?
http://www.fanstory.com/index.jsp

Answer 5

great images, although it feels as though you were trying to get too many adjectives in. (clattering stones, hissed and flew).

Overall, I liked it - your words painted an image that was easy to see and was interesting to read.

Answer 6

No, via actuality i think of of Jenna's an fool. she is going to a usa that's a conflict-zone via actuality she has a pair of activities she needs to bypass to? in the previous you furnish your chapters to agent, think of of roughly Jenna's decision. you have portrayed her as "self sufficient" by using using her ignoring absolutely everyone's judgements. She has to even have the potential to stick to her straight forward experience too if she's ever going to stay to tell the tale on in basic terms being self sufficient. think of of continually why the terrorist team especially went after her uncle? Does he format missiles, etc? in basic terms via actuality he's a multimillionaire counts for no longer something - terrorist communities kidnap hostages who have not a penny to their call, in basic terms as long as they're people who will pay for their protection.

Answer 7

Really good imaging. Now right the rest of the story. It's good and I WANNA HEAR MORE!!

Answer 8

I think you are hilarious.