How do I make my husband what I'm feeling? I was sexually abused for three years by my fist husband. I final

Question

The problem is, I’m married to a man who can’t understand why I react to his anger the way I do. When we have arguments, he often accuses me of playing games or trying to manipulate him, when most of the time, he’s angry over something that he has blown completely out of proportion. He gets angry over the initial event, then he lets it fester until it something completely different than the original event is on the surface. When this happens, I lose control, instantly, before I can even think about what is going on, and end up getting hysterical and thinking I’m the worst person on earth. Does anyone know of a resource where I can download information for spouses of sexual abuse? He needs to understand the dynamic of sexual abuse. It is not something that I can just tuck away and pretend it never happened…oh I wish it were. Maybe, if he can see what it is actually doing, he will get some help himself. Maybe….

Answer 1

It sounds like he cannot figure out how to deal with the abuse you endured, which makes him angry and confused, and then he takes it out on you.

There's nothing online to help. You guys need professional help via a counselor. Sounds like you should go alone and with him. Both of you are confused, angry, hurt, and unsure of where to go. Go to a sexual abuse counselor ASAP.

Good luck, hon. In the mean time, don't allow what the first husband/jerk did to you rule your life. Accept he's an abusive jerk that deserves whatever he*ll brings him, empower yourself, and seek help for this marriage.

Answer 2

Your husband got caught up in the moment with his infidelity, you set out to intentional hurt him, or so you say. I've been at this for almost 20 years and you did what you've always wanted to do and with a guy you already had your eye on. You didn't use your affair as "revenge". your play was cold and calculated, and half way started before you ever knew he cheated. As a result you husband has done the one thing men can do when they get hurt, shut down emotionally towards you. The chance that you will recover from this is slim, very slim. In fact only 1 in 80 marriages will make it past female infidelity. The fact that he thinks you set out to hurt him makes it even tougher. He will never see you as the same, no matter what he says. Now his mindset is to punish you everyday. What you did was horrible, but you already know that. Honestly the only thing you can do is hang in there and hope he comes around, not likely, or move on. Be prepared if you choose the second. He will have a replacement for you in a matter of weeks. It will be a point of no return. Now, if you want any chance of making it work you have to 1) take ownership of your affair. This mean not blaming it on his one night stand. Which you and I both know isn't true. 2) allow him time to heal, and do whatever he asks of you. Answer all his questions openly and honestly. 3) stop putting pressure on him to be with you sexually. Simple do thinks that you know he finds sex and wait for him to make the move. He will at some point. I can help you more in depth it you would like to email me though yahoo Good luck

Answer 3

First off, you two need counselling as a couple. I don't think that it specifically needs to voerver your abuse. You might need counselling for that.

Your problem is obvious. He doesn't bring up anything he's upset about because he's afraid you'll blow up and go hysterical. So he bottles it all up till occasionally, he explodes. Then you go hysterical, and he tries to keep it bottled up again.

You two need to learn to disagree or express anger or unhappiness without it blowing up. He needs to be able to bring up minor stuff right away, and you need to be able to handle it. Then things won't build up.

You could spend years on couples counselling talking about what happened in the past, and if you want to, hey, great, but I'd suggest a competent councillor in a matter of months should at least be able to teach you two how to communicate better when one of you is upset so that you can keep talking in a calm way, respect each other's feelings, and handle it. You two need specific communication skills, not some magical appreciation of how the other one feels in general about life.

Good luck! This problem seems quite solveable to me.

Answer 4

He may need counseling to change and you both may benefit from counseling to keep your marriage together but all you can do is ask your husband to go. You can't make him.

You are the only one you can control and you would definitely benefit from talking this out with someone. You can seek help in dealing with your pent up emotions and your reactions to his anger. Maybe some help dealing with the after effects of the abuse will help you understand yourself better and help you figure out the next step in dealing with the dynamics of your relationship.

Answer 5

He may never fully understand, but there's much more involved in this than his understanding.

Let's start with this - are you still a victim or are you a survivor? Have you done all of the work that you need to do to deal with this and then to put it behind you are much as anyone can.

I'm giving you a couple of sources on that part. But even with this, you should also suggest couples counselling. It will help the two of you to figure out how to handle all of this, and how to argue fairly. Not everyone knows how to do that.

Answer 6

That's it, I'm officially going to devote my time to find you an answer for this, below here are some links that -hopefully- would help.

Here's a few quotes that are rather important:

"Domestic violence has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation or threats of violence. There are a number of dimensions:

1)Mode - physical, psychological, sexual and/or social

2)Frequency - on/off, occasional, chronic

3)Severity – in terms of both psychological or physical harm and The need for treatment – transitory or permanent injury – mild, moderate, severe up to homicide "

"Sexual violence and incest are divided into three categories:

1) Use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act against their will, whether or not the act is completed;

2)attempted or completed sex act involving a person who is unable to understand the nature or condition of the act, unable to decline participation, or unable to communicate unwillingness to engage in the sexual act, e.g., because of illness, disability, or the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or because of intimidation or pressure;

3) And abusive sexual contact."

Answer 7

When...I started dating who is my wife...I found out she was sexually abused by her boyfriend...and he even hit her...for a couple yrs...It was hard for me to see the other side of the coin..But I told her...no matter how mad I would get I would never hit her...and to never be afraid of me...We talked about her being sexually abused for those 2 yrs...and she would cry...and tell me ever thing that happened in that time...it took time..for her to get over it...But I did the best I could by listening to her...and helping anyway I could.. Tell him you need him as a friend to..by listening...maybe some counseling

Answer 8

You are both doing the same dance each time you argue. You react in a set way to his comments and he does the same to yours. But you are holding a secret from him. He needs to know the reason why you react like this and then you both need counselling from a professional. This is way too big to try and self medicate.

Answer 9

It's sounds like you are experiencing "post-traumatic stress" disorder, which is totally normal when you've had a traumatic experience or set of experiences. Please seek some sort of help, in the form of counseling or therapy. It will help you to talk to a professional. It's not a sign of weakness to need help. We all need help sometimes.

It may be difficult to discuss your abuse with your husband but you probably do need to talk to somebody about it.

Good luck.

Answer 10

You both need councilling to get you through this without anger and bitterness. There is a book called "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, I suggest you get it and read it!