Im in a committed relationship for 20 years , we basically raised the kids together, I was a single parent until then. Im 43 and have been a empty nester for 5 years. I struggled with the empty nest and this comment is thrown at me on how I wasted a whole year adjusting and how this took time away from them. I have two daughters 22 and 23. My 23 is in a commintted relationship and my youngest got married about 3 years ago and has a two year old son , her husband just signed up to the military end of last year. My daughter is pregnant and due the first of May. They left their apartment before he left to the army and decided to move in with friends. It was emotionally hard on my daughter and so I decided to let them move in with us. Well along with that fact my partner’s elderly mother moved in 10 months prior, for which I help out in her care and being there when my partner goes on business trips. My daughter pays rent and doesn’t really think she needs to participate in the family or help out. I think she feels this way because she pays rent. My partner is not happy with the arrangements because of this and really feels over burdened with them here. I think it’s more the not being part of the family, not helping out and kind of isolating her self in her room with the baby until I get home. Their relationship has always been strained, I’m told its because I coddled her .My other daughter and I are close, but she is doing good. She needed help in the beginning but she is doing fine. My partner feels my daughter and husband are taking advantage of us. My partner feels Im ignoring them by giving some of my attention to my daughter and grandson and doesn’t feel they should get any extra attention because they don’t help out at all. If I even sit with them I hear about it in a argument. My partner is very critical on how my daughter takes care of the baby, and thinks she’s lazy and tells me this quite frequently in arguments. With all the unsure things of the army things are not as easy as they could look. First boot camp( she cant be there), then 6wks training and then 3wks airborne and possibly to be shipped . My partner feels my daughter needs to be with her husband and I agree but up until now that was not possible, my partner does not understand that. Yes she should of never left the apartment in the first place, but I cant see I pregnant girl being alone with a two year old. So bottom line I have taken on everybody’s issues….it is totally stressing me out.
My partner feels ignored … and has no time with me, even sitting next to them with their mother right beside us 24/7. They feel I am preoccupied with my daughter’s issues… which I have been and that I shouldn’t be having any emotional issues, because having these takes away from our relationship and their attention. I would be dealing with my emotions whether she lived with me or not. I guess being in another state is hitting me in my emotions.
With a little encouragement, In a couple of weeks she is going to stay in a hotel for 5 wks with the baby and maybe go to airborne in Georgia for 3 wks and then if he ships she will come back here and get a apartment on her own until he gets back (but the baby will be coming somewhere in between Georgia and being possibly shipped if not a little after) or get established on a base where she knows no one and no one to help out. She wants to have the baby here because with no husband and in a strange place with no help to take care of two year old. My partner thinks she just needs to be with her husband but if he ships out ….A apartment here seems more sensible until he is done with his mission in Iraq and has a permanent station.
If she comes back here if he is shipped to have the baby, I’m going to get a fight all the way for being on call for the delivery and after care.
If she is somewhere else to have the baby and I go there I know I’m going to have another fight. Let alone to go visit.
I love my partner very much, whether my daughter is here in the house or not there is no alone time. I don’t think this is going to make a difference. I cant turn off my concerns like a light switch, can you only imagine me worrying about her being alone in a hotel while her husband is on base , she knows no one, she has no car , 7 months pregnant and maybe if he gets a weekend pass he will see her on weekends.
I know her issues are not my problem she is a married woman…. And my relationship is in jeopardy if I am preoccupied with her.
Tell me if I’m not doing things right, I can take it
2007-02-01 09:54:01 · 6 answers · asked by steviegal_19 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you want your relationship with your partner to work, then find your daughter another place to live. She can afford rent, does she have a job? Her husband should have moved them into a place before he left for the army, but that's not your problem. She needs to be on her own and raise this baby herself. I'm your daughter's age, my husband is also in the military. I wouldn't want to raise my child with my mom and her partner around, it's not that healthy. She needs to learn the responsibility of keeping up a home and making a home for herself and her child and hopefully soon her husband. You kinda need to grow up and get on with your life and not try to be in your kids' life so much. You need to get on with your life for the sake of you and your partner's relationship. Your partner is right, she needs to move where her husband is, and keep moving with him since she voluntarily signed up to be married to a warrior. I moved into a little cabin in Biloxi while my husband was in tech school and then we moved somewhere else. It was a crap hole, but I needed to be with him since we were married. She is taking advantage of you. My parents worried about me too, but she is around a base and she'll be find. She needs to grow up and so do you. Tell her to move where her husband is and have him pay for her housing, and it can be a little crap hole, she needs to deal with it. This is unhealthy and almost verging on creepy.
You both need to cut the umbilical cord!
2007-02-01 10:08:34 · answer #1 · answered by SillyKimmie 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Well, there are a couple of responses to this. First off it sounds like she does need some time to her own. I know this is hard for a mother. I have just been married for a little over a year and my mom complains that I never see her or do any thing with the family. etc. This is very common. Your daughter has a family of her own now and this is her first obligation. You need to let her alone for the most part. That will help with both her and your situations. Be supportive of her, but if she doesn't want to do everything with you, don't make her. She has her own life now, so let her live it. Secondly, it sounds like what the best situation should be right now with her husband's situation is that she should stay with you, but have her set aside some money for a deposit every month so that when her hubby gets back they won't have any reason for not moving. Just be supportive, but not pushy. Offer to help her with the children...this will allow her to spend more time with you without feeling like she is being smothered. And it will allow you to spend more time with your grandchidlren. And above all...Remember to breath. Just take it one step at a time.
2007-02-01 18:07:21 · answer #2 · answered by Amy_S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would tell my partner that I'll have my daughter move out the same day he moves his mother out!! It's not right that he expect you to be stuck caring for his mother and having her there with you 24/7, but he's not willing to accept your daughter there.
She's your daughter and will always be your daughter. He may not always be your partner though. I think there is some truth in blood is thicker than water. This is a very stressful time in your daughter's life - pregnant, no home, husband going to Iraq. She needs your support more now than ever!
It sounds like your partner is jealous over your attention. He needs to get over it. Maybe suggest that he go for some counseling to try to figure out why he's so threatened over your feelings for your daughter.
Good luck!
2007-02-01 18:12:37 · answer #3 · answered by Ruby V 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I served in the Army for 10 years. the Army takes care of thier own. VERY soon she will be able to join him,After A.I.T. He will report to a duty station.....Some army post somewhere. This will be the time when she can move away and be with him. Even if he does get deployed the army will house her. I paid 15 bucks a month to live off post....Army paid the rest. Also,She has to have a few bucks,Army pays you to be married and pays you more when you have children. Tell your partner this will all be over soon. It's just a few months,then life will be just fine. Best of luck to you.My prayers go out to your son in law. Tell him we all think he is a hero for joining
2007-02-01 18:11:14 · answer #4 · answered by recon 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That was pretty long. I got through about half of it & my impression is that your partner is jealous of your daughter. The fact that they don't get along well & her living there in your partner's home I'm sure doesn't make your partner happy. That is your daughter and she needs you, your grandchildren need you. Tell your partner you'll make your daughter move out when she makes her mom move out.You both seem to be caring family oriented people to take in family members in need. It's not fair for it to be ok for her to do it & not you. Just my opinion.
2007-02-01 18:15:54 · answer #5 · answered by Michelle *The Truth Hurts 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
im sorry i didnt read the ending of the question (it was verrrrry long) but with him being in the military, there is no reason that she has to live with you! she can live on post or with him. what does she do when he deploys???
2007-02-01 18:19:18 · answer #6 · answered by *never give up* 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋