Is this relationship violent or abusive, I say it is, hubby says its volatile and everyone has their problems?

Question

In 12 yrs of marriage there have been a few violent fights between me and my husband.One he choked me when I was 8 mths pregnant and another he charged me,i fell and got a concussion. The others I feel equally responsible for because I was just as physical. He always knit picks at petty things about me like, I smell like an ashtray( i smoke) so does he, my coffee stinks in the morning, says that I can't make a decision to save my life (when this is actually him),says hurtful things and then says that its me because I don't get his sense of humor,once told me that having sex with me was too much work, always seems irritable and aggravated,but denies there is anything wrong. Refuses to spend any quality time with me,such as a date. keeps making excuses, any attempts I do to make our marriage better he is a road block.I know this sounds crazy,even to me, but does something seems wrong with this picture?part of me says this relationship is messed up, other parts of me says maybe its me

Answer 1

Nothing wrong here. A woman should be glad her hubby cares enough to choke her when she's pregnant. I've heard that that's great for babies. Perhaps if you are extra loving, he'll reward you with a bonus choking. Maybe you could have quality time with hubby by BOTH drop kicking your child around the house now and then, or you two could try tossing chainsaws back and forth while holding the baby. I urge you to get pregnant again as quickly as possible, this sounds like a perfect home to have a bunch of kids. Lady, unless you've made this whole thing up, you KNOW it's abusive, so if you want to stay, OK, but at least put your child up for adoption, before the innocent kid ends up dead.

Answer 2

OK this is a hard answer for me. But some of the other people that answered just are so down right horrid i had to share. I was in a marriage for several years(by far not 12 like you) but he was abusive and not just mentally but physically too. Its easy to say leave him hes an A** but its far different to actually do it. You think you love him and things can be worked out, that life might be OK. Well it wont be not till you grow strong and do what is best for you and your kids honey. Again i know easier said then done. He will never change. I have left a man that abused me and raped me and landed me in the hospital. I left with my kids in my arms and what i could fit in a suite case went to a women's shelter that is designed to help you get away from men like your husband. And i left him. I have been a single mom now on my own for 4yrs and doing great. It can be done. I work from home, go to school part time to get my degree in early education and all and all my kids are far better off now then they ever were. Don't let him destroy your life and your children's. Its never easy but it is not safe to live with one that could hurt or even kill you. Get help before its to late, talk to family or friends and look at the possablility of leaving at least.

Answer 3

Why did you get together? Was HE always like that? Were you? If the answer is no, then try to rebuild what you liked in each other at first. Make ground rules, IE- One real date a month, no physical violence of any kind. If you can't stop screaming, re visit the subject a few hours later. Tell him the type of comments he says that are hurtful, and reward any little change.

Good luck.

Answer 4

He has some anger issues that he needs to get worked out. You need to get real with yourself and figure out what you're doing to contribute (negative things) to this marriage. There's something, it's not always one person's fault. I do agree with you that sometimes we women get what we ask for, but there's no excuse to being violent. Was he violent before you married? That should have been a huge red flag if that was the case. I suggest two books, they give great insight and you will be able to relate and knock yourself upside the head and say wow! I'm doing this? It's a huge wake up call and has made my marriage much better. Trust me, it was bad!

Answer 5

You are in a controlling, violent and abusive relationship.. You needed to get out a long time ago.. GET OUT NOW!! Don't you realize this animal put you and your childs life in danger when he choked you. is this the kind of home you want your kids to be brought up in? Remember, Children learn what they live..

Answer 6

You have been emotionally abused for so long by your husband that you are actually starting to have self doubt....Both husband and wife don't need to agree on this! Try some time out, see how you feel. You need to find your self again and who knows you and he may realise that he has lost you. Think about your children as well. Do you want them to have this kind of relationship, they might think that is a normal way to speak to your partner if they see it long enough!

Answer 7

Yes your realtionship is violent and abusive. Looks like you simply picked the wrong guy. As any other couple that has had 'problems' and ask them the last time the guy choked her or gave her a concussion(it should be never for both of thoes).

It's 50% your fault too.

Answer 8

Your words touch me because I feel strongly about man disrespecting women such as yourself no matter what he may tell you no one deserves to be put in that position you spent 12 years of you life with him and had a child(children) with him do not let him do this its making him stronger and I know its hard to get out but it will only get worse trust me. Leave...

Answer 9

It's both. The relationship IS messed up, but it takes both people to make it this way. In my whole life, I've never even KNOWN anyone who got "physical" with their spouse; there IS a way to handle relationships that doesn't involve violence, belive me.

Had you made up your mind to NEVER tolerate disrespect and abuse, you would not be with an abusive person to begin with. He only does as much as he can get away with. It takes two.

Answer 10

You married a jerk = it's him
You stayed and had children with the man= it's you.
Two unhealthy people in a sick relationship, with children forever scarred and damaged.