I got married very young at had a child very young. I love my husband, but our marriage is not very strong right now. I have spent my entire life taking care of other people and waiting on somebody to take care of me. I wanted someone to make me feel special and loved everyday. Well I just now figured out that the only person who can do that is me. I want to work things out with my husband, he's the only real family I've ever had, but I want a chance to work on fixing myself first. I know that he can't fix all my problems anymore than I can fix his. I want to separate for a little bit to get my stuff together so we can begin to work out some of "our" stuff together. I want to work things out for my son, but if it was just me I don't know if I would even want to try. I also have a complication in the form of my first love, I feel like I missed out the chance to be with him and now I might have the chance to see. My first love is my soul mate, but my husband is the love of my life.
2007-02-01 08:43:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The reason that I have remained faithful (even if he hasn't truly) and married is because of my son. I was a child of divorce and I swore I would never do that to my son, but I wonder which is worse having two parents who aren't together but love you and always put you first or having two parents who love you but are unhappy together and then having to watch that? Take the other guy out of the equation and we still have problems and aren't happy. I just want to do the right thing. Is it wrong for me to want to fix things with my husband, but also want to see about this other guy? Can I do both or will it ruin any chance of fixing things with my husband? I know the other person loves me and I love him too, just not in the same way, is it wrong to enter into something with him if I won't be trying for the future?
2007-02-01 08:53:30 · update #1
One more note: My husband is not a bad guy, he may not be a grown up yet, but he is a good person. Its just that I've been taking care of him too. He usually doesn't work and I'm always the one who fixes everything. From his hurt feelings to the broken dryer. I want to fix me too. The other guy is a screw up too. I used to idealize him, we grew up together, but that ended a long time ago. Its just that he was my frst kiss and we had all these plans together, but everyone kept pulling us apart and I feel like we never had a chance.
2007-02-01 08:58:11 · update #2
We have talked and talked and talked. He swears he will help me work on things, but he never does. For about a week he tries and then he just goes back to his old patterns. The only time he ever wants to try, even for a week, is when he thinks I'm going to leave. This isn't a new problem, its just a new complication.
2007-02-01 09:01:29 · update #3
I wish I knew how old you were because right around the mid 20's most normal women experience this feeling. You wonder if you're really happy. You wonder if you're really in love with your husband. As far as the first love being your soul mate, I'm not so convinced about that, because our first loves are always "imprinted" on us in a special way, but that does not mean they are necessarily our soul mates. I met my first love about 10 years after I was remarried. It did fill my heart with new feelings. I thought about the could have beens and all all of that. We reminisced....but to tell the truth, I realized that I will always have a special place in my heart for him, but that's all it was, a childhood marking point in my life. I think before you move out on your husband, that you should really think about this. Try to remember why you fell for him in the first place. As far as your child, you are right to think of your child, but I do not think that anyone should stay in a relationship just for children. It never works out right. Having said that, there's also a lot of women out there, that hastily acted on these "unsure", "finding myself" times in their lives, only to regret that they did. Some, I'm sure, feel different, but I'd sure hate it if you give up a good thing, just because you're in that stage of life where you're coming to an "awakening". The best thing for you might be right there. Good luck.
2007-02-01 09:04:34 · answer #1 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Actually your story isn't all that different from many other people. Many many people marry too young, have kids too young. The fact of the matter is, you made those decisions, and now you need to own up to them.
How many people would like to go back and live a part of their life again? Many. Reasons might vary, a lost love, never telling someone you loved them, never saying goodbye to someone, regretting a decision a choice. etc. etc.
I will however say this: Despite the past, you are here right now, at this point in your life. Don't ruin what you have, or take it for granted just because your past is coming back to you. Leave the past, in the past, and live your life for what it is TODAY. A famous person once said, "yesterday's a cancelled check, tomorrow's a promissary note, only NOW is legal tender, only NOW is negotiable. We live in the present, right now.
The issues you present with your husband or having a child too young, are not the issue. The issue is really your lost love. You say he was your soulmate, but I say he was the love of your life as well. It's the same thing. What you have with your husband now is functional and it works, but what you had with your ex is innocence. It was a very etherial and dreamy kind of love. Ever hear of the "end of innocence"?? That's what it is. Moving on beyond that hopeless romantic love, to a love that more lasting, more mature.
Some people never get over their first love, and I can pretty much guarantee you that you are no different. You will always love him, but don't let that cloud the beautiful life and family you have for TODAY. Keep your ex in your heart, and remember those times you spent together, as innocent young people, but don't allow it to tarnish the life you have made for yourself. Neither your husband, nor your child deserve that from you.
2007-02-01 09:07:21 · answer #2 · answered by Big D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very few people wake up one day when they're old and gray and wish they had walked on out on their marriage. But I can't count the number of people I know that say afterwards that they wish they had tried harder to make it work.
I know how you're feeling... I also had children and married VERY young. Realizing that no one but you is responsible for your happiness is a good start. Do you really want to separate to work on "you" or are you looking to separate so you have a green light to explore options with your first love? If you truly want to work on your marriage, there is no reason you need to separate from your husband to do it. Get yourself into counseling if necessary. Start treating yourself to small things... a manicure, a massage, a lunch out with the girls. Treat him the way you want to be treated, the way you did when you first got together. 9 times out of 10, that will cause a shift in how he treats you.
As for the if it were just you, you're not sure if you'd want to try part, that's irrelevant. It's NOT just you. We give up the right to be selfish the day we say I do, and even more so the day we give birth. You are no longer the most important person in your life... your husband and son are.
All marriages go through 'down' times, and thinking of walking away or separating isn't a bad thing, unless you do it. Stick to the commitment you made, and let the 'soul mate' thing go. You said your husband is the love of your life... you have to start acting as if that's true. Allow yourself to reminisce about your first love, then remind yourself that it's OVER, in the past where it belongs. It doesn't make sense to give up a sure thing (your marriage) for a maybe if things had been different what might have been thing.
NO - you cannot explore both options at the same time without ruining any shot you have at fixing your marriage.
Get yourself (and your husband) into counseling - figure out why you seem to go for the guys who can't be there for you or are still acting like teenagers. Work with the counselor on having you and your husband meet each other's needs. Hopefully your husband will be able to work on being more of a husband to you, instead of just someone else to take care of. Just a thought - but do some of the things you do help to keep him acting this way? Do you act as more of a mommy to him than a wife?
2007-02-01 09:00:33 · answer #3 · answered by ~StepfordWife~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask yourself. Are you happy? what are the likes and dislikes about the relationship. you have to see which you have more of. If it's the dislikes, then you are experiencing a big problem. The next thing I want you to weigh in is, Does all this have to do with money. Financial burden can take a toll on a relationship. Have you tried to go on vacation with a girlfriend? It might help, different views when you get back. well I don't know exactly what is wrong but those are somethings you can think of. If it is something specific, then I might know what to tell you...hopefully you work it out...c-ya
2007-02-01 08:54:00 · answer #4 · answered by Chris W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the choice is clear...you committed to a marriage...you have a child...you made your choice. Soul mate is garbage...so what...your husband and you come first. That's my opinion. So you missed out....on what? You really think that you are going to have some fantasy life with this other guy after you leave your husband? Let's just say if I believed in karma I'd say it's a bad choice.
Stick with the committement and in the long run you'll look over in your old age and realize you made the right choice...it's not going to come quick...but with work and effort it is the right thing to do for everyone involved.
2007-02-01 08:49:06 · answer #5 · answered by AmyLeigh 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you love your husband and son I would definitely NOT move out. Seek counseling for yourself and also marriage counseling so you both can find the path to a happy marriage.
Speaking on first or past loves, you will always have a small piece of your heart for them, but memory fades and only the good things are remembered. If I married my first love it would have been a disaster, while she was very exciting she just recently had her third marriage.
You are right that no one will take care of you, but yourself so seek counseling and have your husband better understand what you are going through.
Good luck.
2007-02-01 08:51:53 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My advise is to quit dreaming about what might have been. Leave your first love out of this picture . If your husband is the love of your life be thankful for him and start to count your blessings .
He is the father of your child and you have a commitment to raise that child together unless there is something about your husband you did not mention.. Do not always count on him to be there when you are ready to come back because it will change something you can never undo. Work on you-it will be worth it.
2007-02-01 09:02:29 · answer #7 · answered by Cinna 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The way I see it is you have several roads to follow. The first path is you leave your husband and go see your first love well what about what your son will think. The second path is to work out everything with your husband. This is what you can do,sit down and wright out a list of everything you want to change and on that list also wright down what you love about your husband. Now take that list and go over it with your husband and compromise on the dislikes.
2007-02-01 08:53:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well: take some time apart. Do a temporary separation. I bet that you will find... you idealize how things "were" or "might have been" with your 1st love. In reality, he is not how you envision him to be. But, take the time apart to re-center your head. Being a parent, means doing things like this for the benefit of your kids. Good luck.
2007-02-01 08:47:31 · answer #9 · answered by Shibi 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you want to give up a marriage to chase a fantasy?
No marriage is perfect, but I suspect part of the problem is that you're focused too much on how not perfect your situation is.
No situation is perfect. Does hubby cheat on you? Does he beat you? Does he pay the bills? Sounds like he doesn't, doesn't and does in that order or you might have mentioned that.
Don't give up a stable life for a fantasy. It won't be perfect either and odds are it'll be worse.
2007-02-01 08:48:44 · answer #10 · answered by MithrilHawk 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋