How do I talk to someone who can't be talked to?

Question

My husband is impossible to talk to and there are issues that need to be discussed. Whenever I make an attempt it turns into a knockdown , dragout, no holds barred argument. It's awful! So how can I sort out issues without him feeling attacked, because the way he acts when I try to talk to him he must feel attacked.

Answer 1

Take a good (honest) look at how you approach the conversation. If you start he conversation with "You need to" or some negative...I wouldn't blame him for shutting you out (I do it to my wife)....but if you start out with "I need some help...this is what I need..." then he might not feel so inundated...most men just don't know WHAT they can do to help...and most women act like it should be totally obvious....and expect the man to approach it exactly the way the woman wants them too....don't be overly critical about how he does things..if the job gets done and done well don't worry about the fact that he didn't put the towels facing out instead of facing in or any other MINOR detail...because believe me..most men don't care about such trivial details and the fact that women will go on and on about them drives us insane, leading us to not do things because we never get them right...if I'm going to get yelled at I might as well get yelled at for not doing it

Answer 2

He has obviously turned you off. Men do that because we are not good communicators. When we feel frustrated and dont know how to solve the problem, we shut down. I realize that both of you probably have done things to the other. However, it sounds like you are wanting to get things fixed. Good for you! I would approach him with this comment. "Honey, I care about you and our relationship. I obviously have done some things that have turned you off to me. I want to make things right. I am willing to make changes but I need your help. Would you please tell me the things I have done that are driving you away from me.". Start there and when he tells you things, make an attempt to work on them. It may take him a while, but continue to send him a message that you care about him and the relationship. Dont expect him to do the same at first. As he see's your sincerity, he will eventually loosen up. It doesn't seem fair that you have to be the only one to work on things, but thats what it takes at first. Men dont care about words so saying "I love you" wont mean as much as touching. Hold his hand or arm in public. Compliment him. This is my short answer that will give you a first step. I would say that the relationship has been suffering for a while. Get to a good counselor or pastor that does marriage stuff. They will give you some good advise. There is no shame in getting help. It is shamefull to do nothing and let your marriage go down the tubes. Get him to go with you. If he wont, then you go by yourself. this will send him a message that you care. By all means, dont send him the message that , "if you change, I will change". That doesnt work. There needs to be healing in both your hearts. Have patience. Hope this helps. :)

Answer 3

I know what you are going through I am in the same situation I have been in a marriage for 16 years and now it is time to call it quits. It is a form of abuse and control even if you or him don't want to admit it. Hardest part is when you have 3 kids involved but at this point you need to think about your kids and ask your self do want your boys treating their wife like that or do you want your daughter ending up in the same situation. I have suggested to go to counseling he refuses because their is nothing wrong with him so I am going on my own. Remember only you can make that decision on what you are going to do. Good Luck

Answer 4

I am no expert but if you guys are in that big of an issue then maybe you need to wait till he is in bed or something and tell him that you guys really need to talk or you might have to take a drastic change and might end up having to leave him I know that it might seem like an option at this time but later on the worst you get the more it will become an option and tell him you don't want that to happen you love him to much and if he loves you enough he will sit down and talk to you and if not then maybe you guys should not be together.

Answer 5

Set a "family meeting" and set a relaxed mood. No kids, no dishes, no trash to take out, just you and him and the topics of conversation.

Try to start by not making any dramas, crying or raising your voice. Try not to start with " you ALWAYS" or "You NEVER' because that will set off the anger and the defensiveness.

Try not to pass any judgement or make any accusations, nobody likes that. Do not use curse or belitling words. Do not tell him "you better..." or "you need to...", nobody likes to be told what to do in such way.

Try to express what you FEEL instead of what you think. For example, instead of saying: "You are ALWAYS drunk like a moron" you can say: "I FEEL concerned about your drinking habit"

I hope this helps. Good luck

Answer 6

Oh My, if you get the answer to this one, email me. I thought you were talking about my husband. He is the most stubborn man to try to talk to about any issues. Life must be happy happy happy 24/7 or all hell breaks loose. Life has problems, no matter how hard you try to get along. I feel I have to hold everything in so as not to fight, and that to me is no marriage. Good luck to you, I feel for ya.

Answer 7

LeeAnn, Dear, you answered your own question. I am about to leave a relationship where the other person refuses to communicate unless it suits him in some way. It used to drive me absolutely nuts. I'd cry, I'd go ballistic, and nothing worked. Finally, I have learned to LET IT GO, and realize that I cannot control other people. You cannot force him to talk. Also, you set yourself up for the attack every time you DO try to talk to him. It hurt me for a long time to see my husband behave in that way. But, I decided I can let him do this to me forever, or just let it go.
This is emotional and mental abuse. It's very controlling too. Don't let him manipulate him anymore. No matter how bad you need to talk about it, find other things to do to aleviate your stress. Don't waste your time on a no-win situation, and don't let him make the rest of your life Hell. If he doesn't want to talk, then leave him alone, and move on with your life however you need to. I know it sounds impossible, but time makes it easier.

Answer 8

Remember the old saying, "Speak softly, but carry a big stick." Like others have commented, write him a letter. I've done that before and it worked out great. What started as a couple paragraphs went into several pages, buy it's easier to get it off your chest this way. Somehow give it to him when he's headed off to work or whatever. This will give him time to let it sink in. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck, and hang in there.

Answer 9

Same thing here, I was told that when a man is guilty of something, he will take it out on you, and you know, It"s true, Ask him why he can"t sit down and talk, Bet he"ll start screaming again,Do what i did, Ask him what he"s guilty of, Then watch how he act"s,If it"s worse Than you know something"s not right, Just don"t bring it up for awhile , And watch how he act"s, He"ll wonder what"s going on. Than maybe He"ll do the talking, good luck.

Answer 10

See a lawyer, or a relative to seat in and iron out the issues.

show him, your Q? and this answer tell him to stay "calm and hear you out, then let us work it out calmly, if you do that then we do not need to get any one else involved like a lawyer".

Then have a conference one in a blue moon to work out the issues, write them down so you can see them and decide whether it is worth the effort to bring them or they can be brushed aside.

Tell him to do the same if he has some issues.

If it is not worth writing down it is not worth discussing.