Writeing Help! Let me know what you think?

Question

It was a cool breezy evening as Mrs. Anderwitz and her son Jordan drove to their elegant home on Maplewood Dr.
After nearly 20 minutes of hearing the growling noise of his stomach Jordan finally popped the question.
“Mom what are we going to have for dinner? I’m starved!”
“ I was thinking that I could make spaghetti and garlic bread.”
“Yes! That would be excellent, that’s my favorite. Thanks”

While sitting at a red light Mrs. Anderwitz heard her cell phone ringing.
“Hello Steve”
“Hi Honey I’m calling to see were you are.”
“ I am about five minutes away so can you….”
Boom! She didn’t even get finish her thought. A trucker had carelessly struck her car.
“ Hello, Holly are you there? Hello?”
By this time Mrs. Anderwitz was frantically looking for her phone. After a few minutes she retrieved it. With a panic in her tone she spoke.
“Steve …get down here now…I’m on Applegate Lane….and trucker just…violently smashed into the car!”
“I’m on my way now. Call the police.”
And with in seconds they were disconnected. Immediately she began to dial.
“Hello this is 911 what is your emergency?”
“A trucker just slammed into my SUV!”
Ok ma’am please stay calm and tell us were you are.”
“I am on Applegate road.”
“We have just sent out a rescue squad they will be there within minutes. Can you tell us your condition?”
“The car is wedged in between the truck and a pole and I can’t get the door to release. I hear the squad”
She hung up the phone. The rescue team was instantaneously out and working hard. With slight difficulty they got the doors open, then Mrs. Anderwitz and Jordan out of the car. Meanwhile Mr. Anderwitz had just arrived at the scene. He rushed over to his family while the trucker got out of his automobile. Then stumbled aimlessly into the nearby woods.
Two police officers went running after the man.
“Excuse me sir,” one of the officers said.
The man gave him a dazed look then trudged on.
“Have you been drinking tonight?”
After getting a hold of the mysteries man he was given a Breathalyzer test. He obviously failed and was put into cuffs.

This is the first page of a book im trying to write......let me know what you think.

Also if i should keep going.....
thansk

Answer 1

That was good, I really got into it.

You should continue writing. Keep up the good work!

Answer 2

A few things right off. Get a copy of "The Elements of Style" by Strunk & White -- quickly. If you want to be a writer also get these books: "Making a Literary Life", "The First Five Pages" and "The Writer' Market".

You've got a good grasp of dialogue. With each piece you can tell which characters are speaking -- not always easy to do. The trouble is not all the dialogue is plausable and there is simply to much carrying the story (there is a chapter in "The First Five Pages" that would help you greatly with the use of dialogue).

The reader needs some natural "breaks" to gather in actions and put them against setting and scene. Try to add some more elements of what the accident looks like and where it took place (i.e., The Jeep came to a rest pinned against a telephone pole -- from his seat Jordon could see past the spiderweb like cracks running through the front window and into the lush green of the Cascade Valley).

It's fine to share with people that you're a writer or aspiring to be a writer, but don't share what you're working on. What you "put out there" you're not putting into your work or the craft.

To that end -- chuck everything you learned here. Even the crap I've said. This is a horrible forum to learn writing from. How to tell if your five-week-old Wombat is a male? Great place and resource. How well your plot is developing in Chapter Five? This place sucks.

No go write 1,000 words a day for the next six days. And on the seventh? Edit them.

Good luck. If you need more info on resources please feel free to contact me directly. --Andy

Answer 3

Watch your spelling, and you need to be realistic about the idea of the woman being coherent and able to call someone after being in a wreck as severe as you make it out to be. Would she really be able to find her phone, call someone, and then call 911?

Answer 4

Don't say he popped the question. It makes it sound like he is going to propose marriage.

Answer 5

interesting.. it kinda seems like an allstate commercial... it seems like you're trying to hard. but it seems alright, keep going and see where you end up....