Do abusers ever see what they do?

Question

It seems like when you finally call the abuser out, they run from you and accuse you to hide what they’ve done and they put all their efforts into being a “victim” rather than facing what they are. If you’re married to one, how do you handle them to get them to stop. Every time I call my spouse out for being abusive, I’m accused of it and they run for support to others and fiercely convince the people they run to that they’re the ones that need help. I’m getting tired and don’t even want to talk to my spouse anymore because of the filth that comes out of their mouth. Is that the only way to live with one without divorcing them? I’m concerned because the longer I live with it, the more I seem to accept. In the beginning I was very clear at what I would accept out of a relationship and what I wouldn’t. After marriage it was like my spouse was holding it all in until my spouse knew she had me. Then it began. I’m miserable but I’m not sure I could financially make it on my own. Help?

Answer 1

It's a vicious circle. The abuser often feels tremendous guilt. It becomes overwhelming, and because they are unable to deal with it, their defence is to become angry and lash out again.
They need professional help to find other ways to deal with their feelings.

Only you can make the decision to break the cycle. You already know you deserve better.

See a counsellor as your first step. You will be amazed how many people are in similar situations, and surprised at the number of options you have.

Good luck to you. I hope whatever direction you take results in the happiness you deserve.

Answer 2

I have the EXACT same thing happening. I think that they do know what they are doing but we may not see it because they start to do it subtly over the years and if they think you are broken enough they can get more abusive over time. And yes the longer you live with it the more you will accept. It took me 5 years to see that I was abused emotionally and now I am struggling but succeeding with moving on. I have 4 kids and haven't worked in 5 yrs. I just came from Germany after 4yrs and I thought I couldn't make it either. But there are many places that can assist you. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE. Go to a shelter for abused women(yes emotionally too) they will get you housing, Job and get you on your way. You can sign up for government housing, go and try to receive any benefit from the state you can until you are working and they even have programs that will pay all or part of your childcare expenses. You can do this. The first step is always hard, but after that it will be a challenge but you Can do this. You can also go to legal aid to get a divorce yourself. They go according to your income, so no income, no cost to you. And remember--KEEP ON SHINING EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO CARRY A FLASHLIGHT

Answer 3

I know this sounds crazy but once they actually see what they sound like and look like while they are doing it, it hurts them. Find a way to record it whether it be on video tape or just a recorder. That is of course if you want to stay at this point. If you just want out, then go. You CAN make it on your own. It might be hard but what is worth your well being as a person? Would you rather know that you can make it with your spouse and stay and continue to be abused or leave and try to make it on your own? Personally I believe that if you had made it through this for so long than you most definitely can make it on your own. I know its scary but it will be worth it in the long run.

Answer 4

if your being abused wheher it's mental or physical you need to get out. it lowers your self worth and causes emotional damage no one can see. The more you call them that the worse it gets because they get angry at you and more defensive than ever. I have been there and he is still telling me I am the crazy one with problems for leaving him and now saying I can't handle raising our kids even though I was the one doing it all along. It is tough financially but better than living with a self centered jerk. Good luck. This doesn't matter if your the male or female abuse is abuse. They have to admit they have a problem and want to change otherwise councelling will not help. Mine just keeps trying to make me think I am mental and I am exaggerating everything. He is playing the victim as they say but I know the truth. If they won't admit it they will NEVER change.

Answer 5

Yes abusers eventually do in some cases. Usually its when they hit rock bottom and they have no one else to sit there and take that mess. My husband did the same stuff to me and i left him for two months, hoping and believing that he would find God. My husband saw what he was doing was wrong, but because that is what he saw when he was growing up that 's all he knew. That's the only way he knew to react. when i left i stayed with someonee in the church and they mentored me and helped me to understand that it's not my fault he can't control himself. He was the one with the anger problem. DO NOT TAKE THAT FROM HIM. It's good you are standing up for yourself. Get help from someone. It's against the law for anyone to hit you. next time he does it call the police and that will teach him that you are not someon he can walk all over. Let the police know everything. It WILL GET WORSE if you don't find someone to help. BE wise when you do something like that. Do not fight back with him verbally. He has a problem and needs help. You can do it even if it means that he goes to jail for a few nights.

Answer 6

abusers will never admit wrong, instead they shift the blame on the true victim, so they won't ever have to be accountable. they minimize what they are doing, call u crazy for feeling threatened, act like they have done nothing. often times we don't see it before marriage, and if we do we pay no attention to it, as love is so blind, and we tend to overlook anything that may be a cause for concern. we often times have to get out of it, because it never seems to change, we accept it because of our low self worth, and our fear of the future, and not wanting to be financially without. but it is better to live alone with a little less, than to be abused all of the time.

Answer 7

Been there and done this in my life. Rarely do men come forward with any abuse claims. Many people don't even realize that in general "Emotional" abuse is more damaging that physical abuse. I've experienced both types from a former spouse.
What i have learned over the years is this: If the abuser doesn't accept responsibility for thier actions and admit what they are doing is wrong, and enter into counseling to address those issues nothing and i mean nothing is going to stop the abusive behavior they commit.

I went to counseling with my abusive spouse, on the very first session when the counselor asked her a question she immediately attacked us both physically.

A person can only take so much before they snap. I'd had the cops over to the house numerous times to deal with this woman and so it was long established that she was the abuser.

Then one Thanksgiving day, i apparently wasn't loading everything up in the car fast enough to suit her (we were going to her parents place) and she attacked me with a butcher knife, I sustained 2 4" long gashes in my cheek and jaw area from her slashing at me with the knife.

I finally snapped and beat her down badly. After she was down i kicked numerous times toward the door until she was outside the house i locked the door called for an rescue squad they arrived in minutes and rushed me to the hospital as i was losing lots of blood.

the wife had driven off in the car prior to the squad's arrival, while i was in the hospital emergency room getting 317 stitches to sew me up, the cops walked in to arrest me for assault.

Apparently the wife had went right to the cops to say i'd assaulted her. She filed a complaint. I was charged with assault and when i appeared in court the judge looked at all the reports from the cops, the rescue squad, the hospital, and mine and my wifes statements. He dismissed the charges against me and then immediately ordered my wife arrested and she was charged with attempted murder.

She's up for a another parole hearing next year, i'll go and protest her release again she's serving a 5years to life sentence. She is still mad at me hasn't done any counseling and threatens to kill me upon her release so she's more than likely going to stay in prison for the rest of her life.

Which i find to be a very fitting place for these mouthy biatches.

You need to get out of this marriage/relationship before it escalates to a much more serious situation.

Answer 8

they always see what they do...if they didnt..why would they do it...i divorced my husband because he almost killed me 3 times..and once i got him in prison he finally broke down and told me he was sorry for all the hell he put me through and that he knew something was wrong with him. no that doesnt make it right...but at least he had the descency to apologize. also, they run to others for help to make themselves feel better about what they did and to make u look at fault. tommy did that to me, but he always ran to the ppl closest to me. So see, they always see what they're doing, and thats why the run away. They scare themselves. By the way, they ARE the ones that need more help than the victim. If they dont get their help, you cant get yours. You better leave ur spouse now while u still can. It only gets harder in the end. Dont let them end ur life or even ruin it. My regret is that it took me so long to get mine taken care of, but at least i did. Now he's locked up for good.

Answer 9

You can always make it financially no matter what. You may have to give up some comforts but it may be well worth it. Staying in an abusive relationship for financial reasons is disgusting! No offense. Have some respect for yourself.

Answer 10

If this person will not ever accept responsibility - you need to end it. Most abusers blame everyone else for their actions - like they were forced into that position. Life is too short to spend it in this manner - move on and find someone who can treat you with respect. Do it out of respect for yourself!