If having sex with someone who is not your spouse is cheating, is withholding sex cheating?

Question

To define cheating would be to promise and then to not hold up to that promise. If the spouse doesn't want it, how is it that they are being cheated out of something they don't want? On that same idea, wouldn't the withholding spouse be breaking the promise of "to have and to hold" and "to love and to cherish"?

Let me add, it's just a question and no marriage hangs in this balance of this question. Based purely on the facts...like a contract, feelings aside, personal experiences aside, who is cheating who first? The withholder of sex or the one who sought sex elsewhere?

Where in the marriage vows does it indicate that withholding is an option. It doesn't. What's more, the vows clearly outline that they are to "have and to hold" "love and cherish" and "Be one unto eachother"

Where in the marriage vows does it indicate that withholding is an option. It doesn't. What's more, the vows clearly outline that they are to "have and to hold" "love and cherish" and "Be one unto eachother"

I'm not talking about a few months, I'm talking YEARS....years....and years.

Answer 1

Contact SWAGE... it's a group of people that know what you're talking about.

Answer 2

In my opinion, marriage was designed to be a self-sacrificing relationship. Nothing about it should be selfish. In marriage, the body of the wife belongs to the husband and the body of the husband to the wife.

Most often, men are "in the mood" more than their wives. They should be willing to hold off a bit.
Women, on the other hand, are most often the ones who would rather not have sex and would rather cuddle, etc. They should be willing to staisfy thier husband's need.

Now, these circumstances can be reversed. A man coming home form work mat be too tired and the wife may have missed him so much, etc., that she wnts him, or whatever you want to say there. The man should have the attitude, "My wife is worth giving a little extra effort." The wife should think, "He's tired. How can I help him out?" You see, it's a give-and-take with both sides.

Now, who cheats first with witholding sex? I believe it is very unhealthy for a relationship to not have sex for an extended period of time. The spouse may begin to have the desire so strongly that he/she goes looking for fulfillment. The design of marriage is a proper fulfillment of every sexual desire that a man or woman can have. to selfishly withold sex is harmful. The Bible calls it defrauding - creating in a person a desire you can't or don't intend to fulfill - and says that it should not be done.

THe person who goes elsewhere is the one who cheats, but the one who witholds facilitates the impropriety. They have a share in the blame, in my book.

THe ONLY reason there should be no sex is if both agree to hold off for a while.


Now, let me say that this does not give you the right to go find somewhere to have some just because you want it. You married this person. Did you only love thier body? Or sex? No, you said you loved them as a person. It is YOUR responsibility to resolve any issues that you have. Don't wait for the other to come groveling and begging for forgiveness. Talking always works, when you don't let selfishness and pride get in the way!! Don't consider divorce either. You can make it work! Get help! Seek out someone who can give you good Bible counsel on this problem... Try a local church in your area...
I hope that helps.

Answer 3

The one that sought the sex elsewhere is the one that cheated first. But with holding sex, I guess could be called cheating the other spouse out of something they desire, but it is a different kind of cheating. Usually when sex is being with held, there are many reasons for it. So if sex is being with held, both spouses need to open a dialog to try to resolve the issues. If they can't, then they need to separate. Cheating can never be justified to me, because the other spouse was withholding sex. If that's the case they need to work on their marriage first and if that doesn't work, get a divorce.
If it's been years and years and years, then you either need to come to terms that you have a sexless marriage, or get divorced.
There is no excuse for getting sex outside of the marriage. You focus on the to have and to hold part of the vow, but what about for better or worse?

Answer 4

Well, personally, I don't believe in hell. So, no, you won't be "going" anywhere when you die - except the ground or a crematorium. Dude. . . I feel for you. You are clearly trying to be good, to do the right thing - but you're human. I tend to be very harsh with cheaters, but if you have been completely honest, here - I don't think what you're doing is all that hurtful to your spouse. He doesn't seem to care. I understand the financial toll a divorce takes - unfortunately, in this situation you're in, it seems the only reasonable answer. The only way to end this unhappiness and be righteous and decent. The two of you are living a lie, I see nothing honorable in prepetuating that lie. I see plenty of honor, however, in admitting to yourselves and your families that the marriage is no longer working, going ahead and being poorer than poor (and really, Honey - there are very, very few able-bodied adults who literally can not afford their own lodgings - you're kidding yourself, or you're refusing to consider a lower standard of living), and living your life with dignity, and freedom. You have neither of these things right now - were it me, I'd give up financial security, go ahead and get a divorce, and find another way to be happy. As long as there is a roof over your head and food on the table, you CAN "afford" a divorce. But even if I am wrong - and there is a God and a hell - I don't like to think of God as damning someone eternally for making an honest, human mistake. If he did, wow, that would be one horrible God, wouldn't it. . .

Answer 5

Your question sounds like a person trying to justify cheat on someone. With that logic if somone doesn't give what i want i have the right to get it somewhere else is off. I guess because I think I am in pain but the docotor disagrees I should be able to buy illegal and not go to Jail. I your spouse does't want to have sex with you it mite be you did someinthing or didn't that has upset them. That contract is also says something about forsaking all others. So try and justfy cheat some other way.

Answer 6

You are assume a (false) premise, that sex on demand is a right in any marriage. The vows that you cite are based on fidelity, not carnal activity. If you have done something to cause your spouse to refuse you, resolve it. Otherwise learn to live with the idea that sex is the celebration of your marriage and it happens with the consent of both of you.

Answer 7

You need to get to the bottom of this and ask her why she is doing this. Don't let get a way with some BS answer try to find the truth. Either go to couples therapy or become better acquainted with your hand.

Answer 8

Why does everyone get so bent out of shape about cheating?

Answer 9

Well it may not be cheating but it is not playing fair.

Answer 10

withholding is an option....having an affair is cheating