Communication??hubby treats me like a child sometimes??

Question

My husband is 14 yrs older than me and i am 24 going on 25.When we met he was my bosses boss and we still work for the same company.Aside from a few strange moments because his daughter is only 8 yrs younger than me and his brother is my age we are fine and love each other.His brother lives with us not by my choice.We have been married almost a year now.Problem is his smoking 6 packs of cigeretts a day at least this has been going on before we met but he tries to hide it? Five days ago he had a heart attack and while at the hospital we learned he has lung cancer!Why wont my hubby talk to me about this?In fact he is now smoking more than before!When he speaks to me its as if i am his daughter?!

I am very concerned the doctor says if he keeps this up he will be dead by the time he is 45!When i brought this up to him he said not to worry i am in his will and he has life insurance!He kept asking me to leave whenever he was speaking to the doctor and made me sit outside when he had an appointment yesterday.

Answer 1

If he smokes this much it shouldn't be a surprise that he has cancer. I'm sorry to hear of it.
As for the way he treats you and hiding things from you.
You two should be talking about everything and not hiding things from each other.
I wish you luck with the time ahead.

Answer 2

I would imagine that he is scared and really stressed about what his future will be now. He doesn't want you to worry about him and is pushing you away because he's not sure what he seeks from you yet.
Tell him you love him and would do anything to see that he lives a great life now. Offer your assistance and ask what you can do to help him and tell him that you will always be there no matter what. Give him time and try to get him to open up, he probably has a lot on his plate right now and is unsure of how to react. Remind him that you are his wife and married him in sickness and in health and you wish he could let you in to help ease his pain. Stand by him even when he pushes you away, eventually he'll understand that your not going anywhere and may change his ways for the better. Good luck.

Answer 3

I too would be very upset if treated like that in such a situation. Your husband may not be intentionally hurting you or shutting you out. He may still be partly in denial and the part that's not in denial may be trying to shield you from pain and upset which would be perfectly normal. However, that doesn't mean it's ok or doesn't need to be addressed. Sit down with him, let him know how much you love and care for him, regardless of what is going on. For better or worse right? Tell him that although you are sure it's not his intent, you are feeling shut out and kept in the dark, much like a child may be. If you are married already, then hopefully you both already dealt with the age difference issue and have agreed that you are equals within the relationship regardless of age. It's maturity that counts. Tell him you don't want to joke about it (like the comments he makes about having insurance etc., as if that's the issue!). Tell him you are honestly concerned and want to share his life with him, not be left out, and then left alone when the inevitable happens (God forbid)! Try not to say things accusingly like he's doing things he shouldn't. Just try to impart how you feel about the situation and if he truly loves you, he will recognize the pain he is putting you through and hopefully act more like a husband/wife team. Good luck.

Answer 4

I guess there are a couple of possible answers for his behaviour - only he can tell you what they really are. But, if I had to guess I would say..... If you have a normal and loving relationship in other areas, maybe your husband is simply trying to protect you from the pain (and fear) of dealing with this situation. Maybe he is ashamed because you have been bothering him about quitting smoking, and now, after ending up in the hospital, there are obvious consequences from not leading a better lifestyle. Or, maybe he doesn't want to have to deal with someone else's disapproval (obviously he has doctors all over him now) and would prefer to deal with this on his own. I doubt he is deliberately trying to shut you out or hurt you...

I once lived with/dated a guy 25 years older than me and he was similar in that he didn't want me "interfering" with his life and life choices. I guess he viewed me as not having enough life experience, and also was used to doing things and making decisions on his own. Maybe that's just the price you pay when dealing with a big age gap in a relationship.

I would suggest showing him how much you want to support him, and not complaining during this very scary time about feeling shut out. Just be as supportive and loving as you can. Once you've passed through this tough time, that might be the time to recommend couple's counselling or something. Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about your husband's illness(es).

Answer 5

I'm sorry for your frustration and fear, but you have to realize that you just can't change him. He was like this before he got with you and he's not about to change now. He may be worried and scared as well, but doesn't know how to express it. The only thing you can control is your behavior. Express to him how you are worried about losing him, and how much you love him. Maybe he'll open up, maybe he won't but make sure he understands that it's him you are worried about losing and not his money.

You can also ask him straight questions about his illness. You have a right to know what's going on with him, is the cancer treatable? Or is it too late? It may be why he refuses to quit smoking.

Answer 6

That is a tough one, I am 36 close to his age and I would be scared if I had a heart attack and found out I have lung cancer! When people are faced with near death experiences they react many different ways. Just be there for him and cut him some slack. He knows he should quit smoking so your nagging will not change the fact. Just be supportive and help and encourage him to listen to his doctors.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Try to put yourself in his shoes, I know its hard cuz your a woman and hes a man, and what i mean by that is most men will hope a health problem will just go away before they go to a dr. and a woman will go running to a dr if they think the slightest thing is wrong, that may be why he is distancing you from this. As for his smoking, buy this book, "the easy way to quit smoking" by Allan Carr and read it and give it to him to read, but dont expect him to read it. It will give you amazing insite into the smokers mind. Sorry that this is happening to you and your husband. Hope things improve!

Answer 8

WOW 6 packs a day and if he is sneaking you must never see him.....lol sounds like an all day job. Anyways he has just found out he is dying and this goes in stages I have included a web site to help you see his point which you may want to scroll though and maybe join a group on the internet to help you as well,
http://www.psyplexus.com/excl/death.html
I hope this helps you out and keep in mind this is hard for him as well as yourself and the whole family for that matter.

You may want to start knowing his final wishes and make a care plan it is very hard to care for a patient like this and may be to much for you. Usually hospice will help out some in the final stages. Just be there for him .....I'm sure he will come around.

Answer 9

what a sad situation for you both. i am sure that your husband simply doesnt want you to know all of the bad news - he is trying to protect you because he loves you...he isnt shutting you out. and..my husband is 10 years older than me..and i just think that is the way older men speak to younger women...its a 'caring & loving' tone i think. dont get angry or upset with him because at a time like this you will need to very much work together. good luck honey!

Answer 10

Oh wow, get your hubby some vitamin C, E A, selenium
vitamins.
Get him some lung foods to heal him quick, celery,apples,blueberries.
U can reverse all this .
He is probably under stress-get him someB12 vitamins.
Buy him gum also
Limes is suppose to help stop smokin.
Smokin robs body of vitamins....1 pack drains 2000 mg of C from body--make him drink juices.
If he drinks...get him B vitamins.
He will be okay---just hang in there if u love him.
And u are his wife, remember that.