I feel like I failed as a mom, what can I do?

Question

My 15 yo daughter is a great girl, good student, don't get in troubles, wise. Unfortunately she has difficulty to make friends, she's the kind of girl that doesn't talk much, is a bit shy, has few friends. She feels she's different from most girls her age, an actually very different from her 17 yo sister, who's a social butterfly. My 15 yo is not a popular girl, and sometimes she resents this, especially when she compares herself with her sister. She likies math, is realy good at it, studies more than her school requires, and since this is not very usual in a girl, she feels lonely, because Math is not exctly te kind of subject most teens like to talk about. Anyway, she also swims.
lately she's been lonely and I know she looked for help in on line groups and with some teaches she trusts. I feel so sad, it's like she "fired" her mom. She's sad and didn't come to me, maybe I'm no good to give her love, to help her with her problems. What was my mistake?

Answer 1

maybe she just doesnt want to upset you

Answer 2

You haven't failed! It's part of her growing up that she seeks answers from other people, not just mom. I am the mother of 2 girls, ages 23 and 19. So I've been there, done that, bought the tshirt, read the book, rented the DVD. You just need to let her know that she can talk to you about anything, and I do mean anything, and you will try to give her honest, real answers. The comparison between her and her sibling isn't fair, they are two different people, so naturally they won't act the same. If math is her thing, help her to find math clubs or activities at a local college or youth center. Ask her school counselor for some suggestions. That's what they are there for. But most of all, don't try and be her best friend. Just be her mom. That's the best you can ever do.

Answer 3

It's not your fault. Make sure she knows that she can talk to you about anything. Perhaps you can start doing a "mom & daughter" day once a month and go out to lunch or something... then she has to talk toyou about something!

A lot of girls feel "out of place" in high school... she'll grow out of it in her own time. Some people are just more introverted that others, there is nothing wrong with that either. Maybe you should ask her if there are any dance classes, sports, drama activities, a swim team, etc that she would like to join. They are always a great place to meet new people. I know that when I turned 16, I got a job at the local supermarket a few evenings a week... it opened up a whole new social life since I was able to interact with people from other schools/towns that I normally would not have met.

Answer 4

Here's a suggestion that might make you both feel better: tell her that you're going to let her go to the neatest salon in your town - every town has the 'hot' beauty salon. Take her there as a special treat for being so accomplished and tell her that she can talk all she wants with the stylist about what would be the best look for her. Tell her (this is true) every girl deserves the experience of getting a hairstyle that really lifts them up out of a rut but it has to be the cool stylists who know what's going on in her age group.
Be relaxed about it. Maybe do it yourself with her - have a new style at the same place; make it a mother and daughter treat. Then go to the Gap or whatever place is the equivalent great place to buy. Go and buy a new outfit that she can wear to school. She will go up a couple notches in coolness. It won't break the bank but it will be above what you probably normally pay for hair and clothes stuff.

Answer 5

Well, let me tell you something.. it happens the same to me... i am like your 15 yo girl and my sister is a social butterfly, which i'm not.. I also love math and find teacher very helpful. I'm 19 and I really love my mom, but i sometimes feel that she wishes me to be more like my sister, to have more friends and everything.. but i just like to be by my own sometimes, it is not that i'm very shy, it is just that i sometimes feel that people of my age are not that funny or great as many people say, so that is why i sometimes feel sad, because i get bored with people of my age and i wish i could have fun as my sister does or something, especially because she is always saying that i'm very boring to her and that i should get more friends. What I want to say is that you are a great mom, such as my mom is, but the important thing is that you tell your daughter how much you like her the way she is and that you'll always be there to support her. Make her feel comfortable so that whenever she needs anything, she won't hesitate in asking you. Just remember not to put too much preassure on her, if you make her feel comfortable, she will come to you.

I hope that helps, and that you feel better. Remember you are a great mom!!!

Answer 6

Usually it is the shy sibling who is much more successful in life. This is what I have noticed with my family, and it is huge. Just because you have a shy one doesn't mean you are a failure as a mom. Feel blessed to have two kids with such different personalities. I was the shy one when I was a kid (very shy!), and it took until I was 20 years old to grow out of it. Now I am a total people person. Not to sound full of myself, but I am way more successful than my extremely social brother. Don't worry so much! Just be there for your daughter and tell her that she can talk to you anytime about things without you being judgmental. I am pregnant with my first right now, besides hoping for good health, I really want a shy one too! Good luck!

Answer 7

All children are different.Take my 21 year old son-he was not popular in high school and was actually relieved to be able to go off to college when he was 15 b/c for highly intellegent students.My 18 year old daughter is popular and makes a's in all subjects.in school.She was not outgoing and run with the "wrong" crowd until she was in 8th grade and played basket ball.Her grades improved and so did her her social skills.For a red head she became more poular then I could imagine.She is a senior this year.She was a cheerleader for 3 years,belongs to FHA,FBLA,and tutors other kids(especially in math).She is the Senior class president and student body president.She is going off to college next year to become an elementary school teacher.

The moral to this story is that she had to find her own niche in school.Besides being good at math and her other studies,she goes to church 3 times a week and workes full time.She even takes her Bible to school.She is not made fun of.But her theory is,if they do not like her,she doesn't care.Once she hit 15,she no longer turned to me or her step mom for advice.

I also have a girl and boy ages 12 and 10.My 12 year old daughter is having the same problem that my 18 year old had.BUT,she has the support of not only her parents,but also her big brother and sister.It is hard to see them struggle,but it is part of growing up.She has alot of friends and thinks she does only b/c of who her older siblings are.She does band,baton twirling.Next year she is going out for softball and cheerleading.I am possitive she will find her niche and will stand beside her,not in front of her or behind her.I will be there when she comes to me.But you have to let them come to you.Encourage her to join clubs,such as the math club,or FBLA.What ever it takes,don't PUSH her,encourage her.

Answer 8

Dont put the pressure on your self me and my brother have the same issue im the one who has the friends and gets the girls ect and hes the one who sat on the computer and had few close friends at 15 its hard on a child im 15 and i know high schools separate people into cliques and its hard to escape the cliques and its normal for teenagers to feel distance from there parents im quite distant from mine honestly its more than likely nothing serious im sure you are a great mother and continue to provide a good life for her
i know its hard to give alot of lienecy but try to give maby a later curfew or tell her to have friends come over or talk to your older daughter for help since they are only 2 years apart in age
hope it helps
good luck and best wishes

Answer 9

Remember, not ALL children are alike. I'm certainly not like my older sisters and my children are not at all like each other.
You should be extremely thankful she is the studious type and not out getting into trouble all of the time.
Do your job, as a parent, sit down with her and have a really good conversation. Find out what you can do to help her feel not so lonely. You may have to put forth more effort with her than you did with the other.

Answer 10

This is not a mistake, this is an opportunity. Whatever you want to do, take your daughter with you. Want to go for a walk, take her - want to go shopping, take her - want to go to a movie, take her. Your daughter's social skills are a blank slate, she if hoping that you will write somethings on it.

You can not accomplish this by talking, you can only take her with you and let her experience some of life activities through mutual coincidence. You may learn as much as you teach, but that is the rule of life. The longer we live the more we learn, share your love of life with your daughter and she will respond by loving you in a way that will surprise you.

Answer 11

My Mom is my best friend int he whole entire world, has been my whole life! Growing up, at the 15-16 age, I felt a lot of things that look similar to your daughters, I wasn't as outgoing as I could have been, I felt like I was in the shadow of my siblings often, and many a time felt that I wasn't allowed to have problems, that I had to be the one that was always okay. So I had a lot of anguish and pain that I really wanted to talk about, but I felt I couldn't bring it up, because I didn't want my mom to know I hurt, all my other siblings were always talking about what was wrong, so I put it upon myself to be the one that was always okay. It wasn't that my mom wasn't worth talking to, I just wanted to seek advice and help from others, so she always knew I was okay. You haven't failed, if anything you have done a tremendous job, your daughter knows how to find confidence to speak with others and judge others as being safe, it sounds like she has made good calls on who to speak with regarding her problems, she is positively seeking advice and proactively seeking help, she isn't turning to drugs, alcohol, etc., but looking for the right path to feel like herself. Don't be afraid to ask her and let her know she can always come to you.