I am in the process of reconciling with my ex. I left as he was being very unfaithful with casual affairs we ended up divorced after an 8 year marriage no children. Neither of us has moved on after 4 years and we decided to start talking, however he is accusing me of having seen other people whilst divorced and worst that i kept him as an emotional prisoner by making him feel guilty for his infidelities. Now he says he can not trust me. I am confused am I making the wrong decision here by considering reconciling with this man? I feel that this isn't fair - what I did after the divorce is my business, plus I was open about it
2007-02-01 05:27:47 · 29 answers · asked by catherine a 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I forgot to add he actually put in for the divorce 4 years ago as I was hesitating during our separation about getting back. I am so angry with his antics right now
2007-02-01 06:02:49 · update #1
So you divorced him because he was unfaithful, and you were single for 4 yrs, and he is accusing you of doing things, when you werent even together anymore..This is like a HUGE RED FLAG.
You need to look at the Big Picture, and keep a very open mind about it all..remember why you divorced this man. To even consider starting over with an ex, or anyone for that matter, forgiveness, should have already taken place, It sounds like neither of you have forgiven each other at all. Forgiveness, doesnt mean we have to forget, but it does mean we dont hold it over the other one anymore, and that we dont bring it up at all anymore...Forgiveness is letting go, like it never even happened.
Can you forget that he had affairs when you were married before? Can he stop, bringing up and saying you saw other men, while you were divorced? If the answer to either of these is Yes, that both of you can forget, then maybe a reconciliation is possible, but It doesnt sound like there is any trust there whatsoever...
Sounds to me like he, feels quilty for what he did to you, so he is trying to turn the tables on you and say you did it to him also.
Dont even think about working it out, He is saying he cannot trust you, would you really want to be with a man, that says he cannot trust you?
Go on with your life...dont settle for him, and that is what this would be called if you did get back with him..Dont settle, you deserve to have someone, that you trust and that trusts you..a real meaningful relationship..You can find someone like that, if you let this man go..Dont keep hanging on..
Wishing you the very best
2007-02-01 05:49:26 · answer #1 · answered by ~Annette~ 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He has some serious issues. If you did have sex with someone while divorced that is your business. Also, his infidelity has left him scared that at some point you might retaliate. No amount of assurance on your part will help him with this. He has to come to this on his own.
I would suggest counseling, it doesn't sound like he would be open to going though. I suspect that there is more to meet the eye in this picture.
What was he doing while you were not together?
2007-02-01 14:28:45 · answer #2 · answered by Vernita B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really need to reconsider getting back with this guy. HE is the one who had affairs while you were together. Now he's accusing you of seeing others while you were divorced. What were you supposed to do?
This guy is putting up all kinds of red flags. He doesn't sound very sorry for the pain he caused you. Instead, he's busy pushing blame on you.
Know that getting back with him will only start the same cycle over. He hasn't changed. You deserve to be happy and you certainly shouldn't have to be defensive about what you did while you were divorced. He's in la-la land.
Remember, it's much lonelier to be in a miserable relationship than it is to be alone. I speak from experience.
2007-02-01 13:37:34 · answer #3 · answered by katydid 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He feels that you should have been sitting at home by the phone hoping and praying he would call.
He was the one who should feel guilty he cheated while you were married he is blaming you for his actions and his conscience.
Why on earth would you even think about getting back with someone who will cheat on you (you know he will) and bring up how you had other boyfriends every chance he gets.
He can trust you as you have done nothing wrong but the only thing you can trust is that he is going to make your life hell.
Use your common sense kick him to the kerb and find a man not a toddler throwing a tantrum kind of man.
You get back with him you'll regret it forever
2007-02-01 13:36:30 · answer #4 · answered by madamspud 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think you'd be making the mistake of your life! You divorced him for the right reasons. Why on earth would you want to face the same music again? Have you not been manipulated enough? Is the masochistic streak in you that strong? Have you no self-esteem? Do you not love yourself? Look deep inside yourself and decide once and for all if you really mean what you just asked!
2007-02-01 13:37:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The reasons you left him before are obviously still valid. You should not get back together unless all of the old issues are dealt with and put away, never to be brought up again.
You must start a new relationship clean and with no baggage from the past.
Best of luck to you.
2007-02-01 13:50:16 · answer #6 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you should get back with him. If he cheated on you while you were married then there's a good chance he'll do it again. He shouldn't say anything about what you did while you were divorced. You weren't together then, so he doesn't need to bring that up. If he can't trust you, then I would stop trying to fix something that shouldn't be fixed.
2007-02-01 13:49:34 · answer #7 · answered by Jaime A 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie it is called a smoke screen and brain washing that is done by control freaks. It is done by unfaithful partners to take the suspicion off of them, and put it on you to make them feel better about themselves. When this is done, they also do not feel one bit sorry for the wrong they have done. Do not go back with him. He is not going to change, and he will keep making you unhappy with the accusations and the cheating. There is a wonderful guy out there just waiting for you. Go find him.
2007-02-01 13:32:59 · answer #8 · answered by Sparkles 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
You are divorced from a crazy person that is not good for you.
Congratuations!!!!! You aren't married...
Just thinking about the fact that you don't have a big problem is making my day better. For once...the woman isn't getting taken advantage of....
Move on...and if you live near me...we can celebrate it together. Som much better to see the wack job now rather than after your remarry him.
2007-02-01 13:36:34 · answer #9 · answered by kishoti 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Why would you settle?
Cheaters are like smokers, they never "quit" , they always have the urge, and they either just don't have one for a while or get better at hiding the habit.
I'll say it straight if noone else does...Yes, you are making a mistake.
You are right...What you did during the divorce is your business and nothing is wrong with that.
2007-02-01 13:35:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋