My wife is very verbally abusive. It started out small and got worse. In the beginning I was very calm but now I’ve started to fight back. I’ve started yelling back. She started up in on me when her parents were down (that they didn’t hear) and I laid into her. Now her parents think I’m the one that’s abusive even though they’ve taught her how to be the way she is. A man can only take so much. Now all she does is say how abusive I am when I was never like that. It seems to run in her family and I’m the one now who’s abusive and is looked down on like I don’t deserve to be with their family’s wonderful daughter. I feel like I’m being railroaded here and is this a common occurance among those of you who have been verbally abused? When you start yelling back are you then accused of being the bad guy? It’s insane. It’s like someone telling you that your whole world is wrong when you know it’s right.
2007-02-01 04:53:52 · 19 answers · asked by survivor 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yelling back doesn't make it better. That's pretty much stooping to below the "minimal level of respect." Two wrongs don't make a right, right? So when she starts her yelling, calmly tell her you will be willing to talk about things when she calms down. Then go for a walk or something for a little while. If she's still yelling, tell her the same and go do something else for a little while. In the meantime, you might consider asking her to go to marriage counseling with you. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other. Seeking outside, objective help is a wise thing to do if both of you are willing to make the effort.
2007-02-01 05:01:42 · answer #1 · answered by Laura Renee 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Instead of yelling back at your wife, which can only escalate the situation (leading to more and louder arguing, etc.), I recommend removing yourself from the situation. Just say something like, "I'll be happy to discuss this more when you've calmed down," and either leave, or stay but refuse to speak.
When she is calm, you should discuss her behavior that you can't tolerate and see if she is open to marriage counseling or some other way of trying to resolve it.
Yelling back just isn't going to help, I don't think, even though it's an understandable response.
2007-02-01 04:59:35 · answer #2 · answered by Tamara K 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, but it was just my husband who turned things around on me, not his family, because he was crappy to them to. He was this way for a few years after he came home from Iraq in August of 03. Of course, I kept getting weaker and weaker to where I started believing the horrible things he said to me ("you're a bad wife" "you're a bad mother", etc.). He even went so far as to kick me out of the house with our daughter just to get me to comply. I finally realized, this is not normal and I just started standing up for myself more effectively. I realized all the screaming back and crying wasn't fixing the problem. It was only giving him more power. You just have to be calm and say, "I'm better than this. This isn't my fault. I don't deserve to be treated this way and you know that. It stops here." When my husband asked me for a divorce, I called his bluff. I got an attorney (best in the area, I work in her office) and a job interview and real estate listings in my home town, an hour away, the very next day. He called the next night and said he didn't want a divorce. I just said, "well, I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow, and I'm going to start looking at houses this weekend. I don't want a divorce. The ball's in your court, make your choice. I'll be fine either way." He doesn't play those games anymore. Sorry to bore you with the long story, but I'm just trying to prove the point that you have to show the other person you are strong and deserve better instead of asking them to be nicer to you. Asking them to be kind and respect you still gives them power because you are asking them to do it and leaving the decision to them without any consequences. Asking implies you will stay regardless of their choice. You have to demand it and show you deserve it with these kinds of people.
2007-02-01 05:20:55 · answer #3 · answered by Lady in Red 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow you are living my life... except for my inlaws know that he has a bad mouth.... but I was treated similar until I allowed them to hear how he was... I called his mother on my cell phone when he was ranting and raving... kinda shut that down. I would say this... and I am working threw this myself... do not say anything you would not want said to you.... also do not let her teaching you to be abusive come into your life so that you take on the verbal abusiveness. I can strongly suggest you get into counseling and I would suggest you have your wife go also. My hubby and I are in counseling and it has made a world of difference.
2007-02-01 05:04:21 · answer #4 · answered by Tricia P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the only thank you to maintain a marriage strengthen is by using stable verbal replace and for this reason that's totally egocentric and unfavorable to abuse one yet another verbally. And marriage loose a individual, being safeguard sufficient to enable their actual self coach, for greater valuable or for worse. So whilst a individual is ill-taken care of by using their substantial different, their thoughts get too susceptible for sharing their inner maximum thoughts and theory and subsequently shuts off the substantial area of their courting. somebody advised me," you're your husband's mirror day in and time out-a barometer on how he's doing as a guy. once you show your admire, he feels valued and esteemed, for a guy yearns for admire only as a female yearns for romance.
2016-11-23 20:33:32 · answer #5 · answered by dunworth 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This was my life.
I know exactly what you speak of.It is horrible. It it is a cycle that is passed on from one generation to the next.
I have an ex husband that was domineering at first. Kind, smart, took care of the details. Given that was what I needed, I jumped on it...then as soon as we got married, the dictating began. The neglect, the blaming, the saying that I was the one who changed...He didn't yell (culturally unacceptable for him) but he put me down constantly. He argued, he acted like the world was put here for him to tell them what they did wrong. At first I didn't yell but over time abuse can wear you down.
You sound like you are wore down. Abusers have a couple of things in common. One..they come from abusive families. Two they develop dysfunctional methods of coping sometimes. Your situation is becoming like that.
You aren't the abuser, but you are becoming the victim. It is inevitable sometimes. And you start to question yourself?
Welcome to my life...except perhaps the sane version of your wife. I have found strong types to make my life feel better over the years and then they sometimes have turned out to be real assholes. I don't abuse others but my tolerance is lower for criticism...and perhaps I attract types that can be verbally abusive (my mother put me down a lot as a child).
The world is so unfair. Just get out. I did. More than once now...but I still attract certain types. I call it an S on my forehead. S is for sucker.
You didn't know it but you may be a bit too kind. Maybe you didn't say no soon enough and things are out of hand. I feel for you. I still have my mother out of my life emotionally for like 15 years...why, emotional abusers are a contagious disease and it destroys others.
Don't let it get you and your family.
Email me if you like, I find your thoughts therapeutic for both of us.
2007-02-01 07:46:39 · answer #6 · answered by kishoti 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you and your wife need someone objective to talk to. Why don't you see a marriage counselor? Your problems could be resolved much more easily if you (both) can hear the truth about what you sound like in your arguments. She's never going to change her ways unless she's convinced she's wrong and you are way too close to convince her. Do it soon before you get more angry and before her family oversteps. Good luck.
2007-02-01 05:02:44 · answer #7 · answered by Ash 7828 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like SHE doesn't deserve to be with YOU, and you definitally do NOT deserve to be talked to like a piece of crap on the bottom of her shoe. Relationships are basically built on trust and respect, and it sounds like she really doesn't respect you. I'd hate to tell you to just not engage in her childish tongue-lashes, but it's very very hard to just sit there when she's attacking you. I was in a relationship where he was verbally abusive, but I got smart and left him (he also cheated, so that was another nail in the coffin). How about a therapist? I know that's everyone's answer, but it seems like the only sensible answer to give.
2007-02-01 05:12:49 · answer #8 · answered by kebbs32 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One of the attributes of an abuser is to turn things around, to make it look like the abuse is your fault. They want to make you feel responsible for THEIR actions. Unless you're secure in who you are, they tend to be very successful at it, too. It happens whether it's verbal, mental, or physical abusers. I think it makes them feel justified for destroying people. Keep your chin up! You know whether you're guilty or not, and don't let her persuade you otherwise. Good Luck!!
2007-02-01 05:08:06 · answer #9 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is she from Florida? Don't get caught up in it, if it's not worth it cut her loose and if she's someone you'd rather stay with seek help. One way or another a woman is always "right" and you will always be wrong! Most woman can't accept being wrong and when it's actually proven to them they still don't have the grace to admit it or apologize.
2007-02-01 05:02:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋