Marriage breaking, Help Please?

Question

My wife lived with parents until wedding at 37. Other day my wife (now 38) was crying and said that she was dying, can not breath because she hadn’t seen her mother for five days! She works and eats lunch with her sister everyday and still calls, texts, IMs to her while at home. She had even refused to turn off her cell on wedding night. She wants to spend every occasion, including her or my birthday, at their place. Exchanged more than 40 communications with her family in three days although she had visited them on each of those days for several hours. There is nothing in my life that remains private, nothing! She tells her parents about our vacation, sends them our schedules, calls them while going to airport, on the plane, about landing, and stuff like that. Our every move requires approval from her family. Feel like I am dating a minor.

How often a married woman (38) seeing her family is normal? Do I have wrong expectations? What should I/we do? Please Help.

Answer 1

There is nothing wrong with your expectations. You should be her number 1 priority and she should be yours. All others should be forsaken according to the vows you and she took.There was a reason she was still at home at age 37. It is normal for anyone to want to see his or her family but not as often as you state.There is no way that her family should know all details of your marriage.She is probably being encouraged to keep in close contact with her family by them. Even if her family is close, that is not an excuse. Her mother has a hold on her and she needs to let her daughter go, she is a grown woman but has to grow up.She is an adult and needs to act accordingly.But that will not happen as long as she remains mom and dad's 'little girl'.

Answer 2

Well 37 years being under her parents wing is a long time. It will be a long time before she lets go. She needs to do this now, when they pass on she will be crushed and may not be able to function. It may just drive her off the deep end. You are going to have to help her as much as you can. Start by breaking some of the habits a little at a time. Like maybe ask her not to call them after 7pm. Then move onto another one when she gets use to it. She also needs some counseling and her parents could help by asking her to concentrate on her marriage a little more.
They could say things like its is not necessary to give us you schedule we have your phone # we can call when we need something, or they could tell her to just spend her birthday with you only for a change. They could help if they want to.
Mostly get her some help & take things slow. It is just an attachment & she don't know how to let go.

Answer 3

Your comment is that you feel like "you're dating a minor." That's a little troubling in that you MARRIED her, and should have been a little suspicious that she was 37 and still living at home. Certainly her behavior is not new to you.

There's no "normal" visitation of friends and family. People are different, though I would say your wife's communication is a little troubling. She definitely needs counseling; she'll never evolve as a person, and will be devastated behind normal life events (illness, death, catastrophe, etc.) Have you talked to her about this? What does she say? Is she willing to go to counseling? And, if she does, will her family sabotage her efforts? Are you willing to tough it out if she decides to go?

It sounds like she need serious help.

Answer 4

Please, whatever you do right now, don't have children. I hope you don't, because this sounds like a very serious issue. You had to know she was this way before you married, you didn't see the signs then? You expected her to change, did you talk to her about your expectations? You need to sit down with her and try to come up with a compromise. Make a list of unacceptable things, such as them having your hourly schedule. Make a list of things you'd like to work on cutting down, like hours she spends talking, visiting and IMing. See how she reacts. Be specific, be flexible, barter and compromise. Tell her that all this attention and closeness with her family is making you feel like a 'third wheel'. Tell her that you ask that she keeps some things between the two of you, sacred to just the two of you. Tell her that if she doesn't address this as a serious issue, she will find herself back home living with her parents and minus a spouse. All that said, be sure you don't force her to chose, be sure you let her know that there is room for both, but her priorities need to change a bit in order for you to feel like her man, special, needed, looked up to etc. Good Luck.

Answer 5

You and your wife need to get into counseling immediately. She is not emotionally matured. Especially, if you can't keep what happens in your home in your home. I think that there might be some subliminal messages that she is getting from her family, that she has chosen you over them. She feels like she is being disloyal by striking out and having her own life.

I would suggest that she sees a therapist soon. You should go to help her.

Don't be surprised if you get resistance though. This might be something that you have to learn to live with.

Answer 6

I'm sorry sweetie, but this woman sounds nuts. I know you probably don't appreciate me saying that about your wife, but her dependence on her family is bordering on psychotic. I believe you caught her too late in life...she has never lived on her own, and she is 37? Either you two need serious counseling to talk about these issues, or you need to let her go back to her family and find a woman that is an independent adult.

Answer 7

So....WOW, that's a lot!!! You really need to talk to her about this. Let her know you don't have an issue with her being with and around her family, but there is a point where it is becoming too much. My opinion, counseling. She needs to figure out why she has such an unhealthy attachment to her family. Yes I do believe it's unhealthy. Tell her how you feel, and that you don't want the marriage to fall apart over this, but it's becoming to much for you.

Answer 8

Man, you're in for a tough time. I know, I've had the same with my 1st ex-wife. This is a disease that can't be cured.

Two solutions:

1. You find a way to get a job abroad in a very remote country and bring your wife with you there,
2. You start preparing for a divorce.

These people will ultimately get your hide just for the fun of it. You will do yourself a favor to prepare a few surgical cuts and flee.

Answer 9

I think that your wife is too attached to her mom and sis.Have you tried talking to her on this issue?if yes, then how did she react?...and if no, then you must talk it out with her.Tell her [in the most loving way possible] how you feel about her going to her mothers house so often.your wife have spend 37 years with her parents and your relationship with her is just one year old.She probably needs more time to get rooted in your love.Give her some time and space.
If you really love your wife and don't want your marriage to break then here are some things you can try.
....surprise her with gifts.
....go on short \ long holidays.
....try to be extra loving to her.
....whisper a small prayer for her.
....have patience and wait for a miracle.

she is YOUR wife and she will SURELY realize her mistake.

Answer 10

Wow sounds to me she is attached at the cord still to her momma. No this is not normal behavior for a woman. You need to talk to her about this ASAP. I would also recommend counseling for her. She will probably not take kindly to these suggestions so you might want to take a look at your life with her for the long haul in this situation. You might want to call a good divorce attorney for you while looking up the counselor number for her.