my 11 year old confided to me that he is homosexual. How do I deal with this?

Question

My child has been bullied at school and has been taking $ to give his bully in order to not have his "secret " revieled. How can I help my child?

Answer 1

He's only 11 right now, he's young and full of hormones. Some people don't understand what's going on and they get confused. Also he is at about that time where he is starting to experiment. When I was that age I was scared of boys and thought I was a lesbian, was I ever wrong! If this is his life decision however, I would just support him. No counseling or any thing like that. Being gay doesn't make him any less of a person.

Answer 2

Are you sure he is homosexual? My son came to me and confided in me that he had experienced with two other boys and thought he must be gay. Turns out he wasn't. At 11 I'm not sure they can be sure but I have heard that they just know. This must have been hard for you to hear as his mother.

I'd go to the school. Talk to the principal and tell him that what you need to say to him is PRIVATE and must be kept to himself. He will do that. Then explain the bully problem. He should take the bully into his office and SHUT THE DOOR and give this kid a good talking to. Have the principal tell this bully that he can no longer expect money and if he reveals this secret that he will be punished. I'd suggest suspension or detention. But the principal has the final call on that. Hopefully you have an understanding principal. You could even say it's a false rumor if you so choose. Good luck to you, I know this is a hard time but if you love your son, and you obviously do, it will pass. You love your so no matter what. Please, stick by him because he's probably very confused right now.

Answer 3

Tell your child that he can't possibly know that he is homosexual at his age. He's got a lot of growing to do. Tell him honestly how you feel about that lifestyle and tell him that he can choose how to live his life and not only that, he can discuss this issue many times in the future, at different points in his life. He has identified himself probably from some feelings that he has that he attributes to homosexuality when he hasn't had the opportunity to experience heterosexuality yet. Imagine his confusion the first time he feels 'turned on' by a girl unexpectedly - talk about confusion! I don't think that at 11, he can fully understand what it means to be the source of seed that makes a baby; he knows the fact but can't absorb the impact of what that may mean in his entire life.
There are people (homosexuals usually) who will tell you that not only can't his thoughts be changed about this but that he understands it and that his future is decided even now. That is unequivocally not true. But you beat someone over the head with that argument and your son's future can have all the earmarks of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Keep him close to you and tell him to wait - he has a few more years before even growing his first facial hair.

Answer 4

There is no way an 11 year old can know this...his hormones haven't even kicked in yet so how can he possibly know what sexuality he is?

Why don't you step in and have him transfered to another school. Tell you son the importance of not telling anyone of this secret...especially at this age, kids are ruthless.

Telling his teacher or even the bully's parents will only make things worse and I honestly don't think the problem will just correct itself.

Transfer him and give your child a chance at a happy childhood because unfortunately at this school things will only get worse.

Answer 5

Seriously? How does an 11 year old even know what it means to be homosexual? I mean, what it really means?

No doubt, he is just concerned and isn't entirely sure what to do. He is still growing and going through puberty. Homosexuality is the least of your concerns though, if he is getting bullied.

You need to speak to the school and the bully's parents in order to get this settled.

Answer 6

Considering he's only 11 years old, I wouldn't be at all sure that he is in fact homosexual; at that age it is difficult to tell even your own sexual orientation. The first thing to do is get him to stop taking money to the bully. Who cares if the bully tells other people? It's the homophobes who have the psychological problems, not your son. Then, of course, if the bully actually physically attacks your son, get to the school staff immediately.

Answer 7

I would help him accept who he is and how some people are going to treat him. Let the "secret" out, it's going to come out anyway, and it will be better for him to live with having to hide something. Now will be a perfect time to teach him how to handle himself and others with his situation. Talk to the principal about the bully, and try to get the bully's parent in on this, he owes your Son money and should be punished for his behavior! Then just give your Son extra hugs and kisses, so there is no doubt you love for him has changed! Good Luck

Answer 8

teach him how to stick up for himself as far as the bully goes. if he keeps giving him money, the bully will never leave him alone. make sure he knows weapons are for cowards and if he ever feels his life is being threatened report it immediately and leave the scene as fast as he can! let him take a karate class(it teaches discipline and anger control) or a self defense class(will teach him what to do in a sticky situation)

as far as the coming out thing, it took a lot of courage for your child to come and tell you this not knowing what you would say. kids today seem to become sexual so young now. just because he told you he was gay does not mean he is sexually active. but just to be safe, if you haven't had "the talk" now is the time to have it. be as graphic as possible, show pictures of what different diseases look like and the symptoms.

I'm sure you are speechless about this new info but be thankful that your child trusts you enough to confide in you and assure him that he can always come to you about anything. if you push him away now you will be in the dark forever.

good luck to both of you!

Answer 9

I believe that your child may be a homosexual despite the fact that people say he is too young to know this. We all know certain boys that were femime from when they were children and have turned out to be gay. I think that you need to teach him to be proud of himself whatever he turns out to be. Get him some counseling to help with his self esteem and accept him for who he is. If the bullying continues make an appointment with the principal and let him handle it. Good luck

Answer 10

Are you sure that your child really knows and understands his sexuality at the age of eleven? Perhaps he has identified closely with a male figure that he cares for and because of the exposure and public to-do about the issue of homosexuality etc, he is aligning with that concept.
I believe every young male had/has an affection, admiration or connection with at least one male figure. Whether it be a coach of some sort, teacher, preacher, father figure, etc. I know I felt strongly about one of my coaches when I was around 12 years of age. Back then homosexuality wasn't the "buzz" word that it is today, so young boys didn't have a reference to place admiration or true feelings for another male figure as a sign of homosexuality (and rightly so). In in most cases, the young boys weren't in fact, gay. At eleven I hated girls and thought they all had "cooties." So your son may be harboring this impression of himself, merely because the public hype has sadly brought too much attention to the whole issue.
As for him paying someone money to "keep his secret," many children have gone through the fear of someone else knowing something "secretive" about them. In every generation, there's always some children who threaten to tell others about someone's secret. And, many children fear the worst, even become petrified over the prospect of the masses finding out about some "secret." It's no different than one child knowing another smoked a cigarette, hence they threaten to tell the child's parents, etc. But the fears can be intensified when a child threatens to tell a whole group of peers, i.e. in a school evironment, and the child victim can become terrified. As a father of three children, (since grown), I found that my children were worse-off from the fear of a secret getting out, than they were of the secret itself.
I would suggest you have a talk with your son, and explain to him that he probably doesn't really understand homosexuality at his age. Liking other males at his age doesn't meet the criteria. You need to make him understand that he has falsely decided he is homosexual. Once he understands this, then he only has to deal with a child telling others that he is gay. And how many times per day does one child tells stories about other children, trying to scare or hurt someone?
Convince your son that he can't control the actions of other people, and that most other children aren't going to believe the junk that comes out of a bully's mouth anyway. Paying "protection money" to keep a secret, let alone one that isn't true isn't the way to go. Talk to your son, explain all this to him, and tell him the outcome is never as bad as the anticipation. At eleven years of age, you should be the guiding force in your child's thinking. Don't absolve from it now by trying to be understanding and accept his label about himself. If he does turn out to be homosexual one day, it will be a bigger revelation in his though-process than it is at the present time. Guide your son, and help him put his thoughts in order.

Good luck to you both