My big brother is homeless so I allowed him to stay with me for a couple of weeks until he can figure out what to do. I was really uncomfortable about it because he is a big lier and a thief but I did not want to see him in the streets, especially because it is so cold outside. I had a talk with him and told him how I felt about him stealing from me and putting my name in situations that had nothing to do with me in the past, and asked him not to do it again and he agreed not to, but I still kept a good eye on him. So far he has not stolen anything from me, but yesterday, he called me on my cell and told me that if his boyfriend ask me if I bought him some things to say yes and then the call dropped so I did not respond. When his boyfriend called me, I told him the truth because I felt disrespected by him using my name and I am not a lier. I tried to call him all evening to see if he was coming over for the night but he would not answer. At 11:00pm, I called and he answered, and I asked him if he had somewhere to stay for the night because I had to get up at 4:00am and I was tired. I told him that from now on, he needs to make it his business to let me know if he is coming so that I will not be waiting up for nothing, and after 9:30pm, I was no longer going to let him in because I don't want him in and out at all times during the night. He said that he was not coming but he will see me in the morning. At 1:22am, my phone kept ringing and woke me out of my sleep. After his 7th time calling, I decided to answer the phone to set him straight because I was upset. He instantly started cursing me out because he was fighting with his boyfriend at the time because of what I told him. He said that he trusted me and I betrayed him. Because my 2 kids were sleep and it was so late, I did not feel like raising my voice and disturbing my household so I just hung up. Do you think I was wrong for telling and what should I do about my brother?
2007-02-01 01:05:51 · 21 answers · asked by Lady Tee 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You are brave woman you never wrong
2007-02-01 01:08:42 · answer #1 · answered by anubhav_55 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know of a similar situation...
One of my relatives let her brother stay with her for the same reasons you let your brother stay. After opening her home, we find out years later that he raped his niece. This niece is now an adult, moved away, and has since stopped talking with her mother. Although we don't know for certain, we believe this is the reason she [the daughter] has broken all ties.
I gather that your brother is gay [not putting him down] but gay relationships are always good for dealing drama. I have never known a gay relationship where the couple is settled and content; there always seems to be some type of mess going on.
In my opinion, and I don't know you or your family, I think you have done enough. I believe that you gave your brother a chance and he was trying to ensnare you in his little tangled web of deceit. Good for you--you didn't lie! Tell him he's an adult and to grow up and act like one!
God bless you, girl.
2007-02-08 09:14:13 · answer #2 · answered by joncarhas 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, Lady T I think you are a wonderful person and a very good sister. Your brother is immature and taking advantage of you. You did nothing wrong in this situation and he needs to respect your rules or go away. Don't enable him by thinking he's right because he is not!! You have little ones to think about and his nonsense is disrupting your home. Put him to the curb. It's obvious that you are mothering him and he doesnt respect you. You have done everything that you can. Who cares what trouble he has with his boyfriend, it's not your responsibility to lie for him or even be understanding of his drama. He has serious problems that he needs to deal with....not you.
2007-02-01 01:12:41 · answer #3 · answered by jim 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
help bro find job. so that he will not have to stay with u anymore. i do not think u were wrong for telling the truth. u told him in the beginning u would so it was wrong for him to assume u would just change ur mind bc he asked nicely. now that he knows u were for real about that he wont ask u again. and i agree with u telling him u need to know. u cant stay awake all hrs (especially when u are the one with a job) just to let him in when he is thru running around. tell him these are the rules, this is ur house and if he doenst want to stay there bc of it...fine. but he is more than welcome to stay if he can follow them.
2007-02-01 01:08:57 · answer #4 · answered by jenivive 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are indeed in a tricky situation... my first impression is that perhaps you may want to get professional advice... because you seem to be trying to do the right thing, but it is not working very well. The most important thing for you to do is make and keep boundaries.
I don't know his situation, but your brother is homeless because of a series of decisions that HE made about HIS life. He is trying to drag you down into it, and he is blaming you for not going easily. I'm guessing you don't even know the whole story. He likely only told you what he wants you to hear. He is immature, irresponsible, and perhaps for other reasons not acting as a responsible adult. If you are trying to be the "adult" in the relationship, you definately need to make boundaries he cannot cross.
You are not responsible for him or his life. You obviously love him, but do not allow his bad behavior to harm you or your family. If you keep accomodating him, how is he going to feel the need to make changes? Helping him is one thing, especially if it is just through a short rough patch..... but it is YOUR house and so YOU make the rules. Unplug the phone if you must, or turn off the ringer.... you made the rule, stick to it.
I don't know if drugs are a problem, but if they are, you know that drugs make a person into someone else. They lie and cheat and steal and blame everyone else for their problems. They are not rational. They are afraid (or even paranoid) but the fear creates anger that lashes out. When I experienced this with a family member, I called the hotlines and got referrals and got educated on how to talk and act. If your brother is mentally ill, then there are programs that can direct you towards helping him. If neither of those apply, he is still acting in a way that is not normal or respectful of you and you could use professional guidance.
The best thing you can do is tell him you love him and want to see him happy and safe, but he can NOT bring his problems with him into your house. I'm sure your hildren have curfews and boundaries... what are you teaching them by allowing all this chaos? Until he acts like a responsible adult, he lives by your rules in your home.
As for the lying, again, boundaries. If you don't want to lie for him, make it clear that you will not. If you are worried you didn't have the whole story, next time say nothing. Perhaps you can avoid the issue all together by not getting in the middle of it.... tell the other person something like, "I'm sorry, I really don't konw. I can't get in the middle of your argument, so you need to speak to my brother about it, not me." Please don't for one minute feel guilty about a decision you made under that kind of pressure. (the only thing I would ask you is to be honest about your motivation about getting in the middle of this... if you were acting out of anger, resentment, or retaliation towards your brother, you perhaps owe him an apology. If not, then all is as it should be.) Remember, when he confronts rules and good behavior he seems to have trouble with it.... it makes him uncomfortable so he gets angry. That is ok. That is the world.
Love your brother with everything you've got.... but don't enable his bad behavior. Enable him to make better decisions. And enable YOURSELF to make better decisions by becoming educated on how to handle him.
I wish you all the best.
2007-02-01 01:30:34 · answer #5 · answered by Fresa 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You did nothing wrong you were helping out. He is a big boy now let him find the responsiblity he needs to get along in the world. he can not depend on you, you have your own life and children to take care of. you don't have to take care of him to. worry about yourself and not him. like I said hes a big boy, and they do have shelter around. or let him stay with his friends. He had no right to wake you up that late to curse you out. he has no respect for you. good luck.
2007-02-01 01:13:18 · answer #6 · answered by misty blue 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your brother is in the wrong for putting you into situations like this, you did nothing wrong by telling the truth. You went out of your way to help him in his time of need and he betrayed your trust. I wouldn't feel any guilt for telling the truth.
2007-02-01 01:14:18 · answer #7 · answered by Injun 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you weren't wrong. There's nothing wrong with helping your brother in need, but it's clear that he has no appreciation for it.
He's a big boy. Either he can take care of himself, or he'll need to figure it out. It's not your problem, and treating it as such may be doing him a disservice.
2007-02-01 01:16:25 · answer #8 · answered by Rob D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
omfg no you are not in the wrong its your house you have two kids to be thinking of your brother should be responsible for his own actions its not your fault he was fighting with his boyfriend what is his problem... dont make him your problem, why doesnt he just live with his boyfriend?? or is he homeless too??? i know he is your brother but still that is no reason for him to treat you with disrespect like that, your house is not a hotel.
2007-02-01 01:17:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you really have a problem there with that guy... he should al least be thankfull for leting him in your house, but by what u said he is far from that. in my opinion, if he does those things to you you should just let him on his own - then he will probably appreciate what u did for him. u did the right thing untill now and i know that u will keep up. good luck!
2007-02-01 01:16:53 · answer #10 · answered by Roksy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u have supported the truth.It was wise of u to do so or else u might've gotten into sum sorta trouble.talk to yr brother about it.tell him he needs to shape up and this cant go on.Let him know that u really care for him.Be gentle and polite but don't let him take advantage of u.Help him out with his life.good luck
2007-02-01 01:13:46 · answer #11 · answered by Beautiful 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋