I AM in love with a lady I work with. Great. It is reciprocated. I'm married, 3 kids under 12. Shes in a long term relationship. I think she would engage in an affair but that seems unfair to all. I don't want to deliberately hurt her, her partner, my wife or my kids. My marriage is f**ked for other reasons and I yearn for this lady, have done so for 4 years and she has known for at least 2. Advice?
2007-01-31 22:55:59 · 20 answers · asked by Bickie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Some fair observations and questions.
I "think" this lady would have an affair because we have flirted OUTRAGEOUSLY (probably verbal sex) for some time (in private) but never further beyound a chaste Xmas party kiss on the cheek. No sex with my wife for 3 years and she has a substantial substance abuse problem which we shield the kids from, which distresses me and which pre-occupies her.
2007-02-01 02:05:53 · update #1
If you have felt this way for that long then you need to do something about it. It isn't fair to stay in a relationship with someone if you feel this way about someone else. Someone is going to get hurt either way. At least if you leave your wife has a chance to move on. This way she also is being cheated, I'm sure she can tell comething is wrong. Follow your heart on this one, because you don't want to hurt anyone tells me that your not just wanting to f--k around.
2007-01-31 23:17:11 · answer #1 · answered by *queenfairy1*Antioch California 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hii Bikie,
I admire your courage to write about what is happening in your life.
I can totally understand your situation from the point of view that you are in a very unhappy marriage on the brink of collapse. This is not the best place to be and four years is a long time to be in something this miserable and life draining to lust after another woman.
As for the woman you work with, it is never ever ever a good idea to transfer your feelings or needs onto those we work with even if they are people we admire and get on very good with. Her reasons may not be the same as yours so be very careful about that. A lot of women even in a relatonship can still desire and lust after an unavailable married guy and because the challenge is an excitment and so she may not be necessarily wanting you because she is in love with you and despire appearances.
You don't know if she is in a happy relationship or not and even if she says she is, you can't be certain of this and she might not ever be prepared to leave her guy just because you leave your wife. I have had many life experiences of my own and have met divorced guys still yearning after their ex-wives despite being in bitter marriages for many years. I am not saying that this would be you, but it sounds to me that you wouldn't still be where you are now unless your marriage is completley unworkable.
If something is bad enough then you will leave. The woman has not as much to lose as you do if she doesn't have children but it is difficult to know that validity of her feelings for you if she is still with her guy and only with him until you get a divorce? - that is no basis for an honest relationship and unlikely that she is waiting around for you to do anything at all and she may think very differently of you once you do become available to her?. Some women lust strongly after guys like you and because she could so easily tempt you into something you may later regret and then she will dump you once you are a divorced or single guy - it has been known to happen to other men and woman.
An affair will not resolve anything and could lose you your job and your dignity and respect from your wife who will possibly want a divorce by then.
are doing is the important thing here and not whether this woman feels anything back for you - this is work and keeping that in the fore of your mind is very crucial and how gossip spreads in these places and how a lot of people can do lose their jobs due to things like affairs and gossip. It would be in your best interests to consider these points.
I wish you luck and am sorry that you are going through what you are now, but it will change if you make those changes. Get help from a marriage guidance solicitor if you need someone to help you through your decisions but never ever turn to another woman whilst you are still married no matter how justified it seems it isn't.This woman will not resolve your situation I promise you that and what you do need is to be honest about where you are in your marriage right now and what need to be done about fixing it or leaving it.
Only then can a new life open up to you and it will because you will have cleared the way ahead and feel a lot freer and happier.
2007-02-01 00:08:22 · answer #2 · answered by Shikira-trudi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why is your marriage a disaster? You really should focus on that before even thinking of moving on, with the lady at work, or anyone else. Whether it's a divorce, counseling, or whatever, you need to resolve the marriage situation first. You acknowledge not wanting to hurt your kids OR your wife. I have to believe you put some importance on your family including your wife. You need to focus on that, and go from there.
It sounds to me like you need to get right with yourself also before making any major decisions. You sound like a confused person that really is not at peace with all the decisions you've made. Get at peace first, then start making the monumental decisions you are contemplating.
Based on your additional information, I can understand your distress. I think you still owe it to everyone involved to deal with your wife's situation first. You may think there is justification to have that affair, but do you really want to push your wife over the edge to where she overdoses? Get her in rehab, turn her in, or leave her (hopefully you won't do this, but I don't know all your details, the kids safety should factor in here), but deal with that first. And as far as the kids go, shielding them from your wife's substance abuse is wasted energy. I understand wanting to do it, but it's energy that should be spent on either getting your wife off of whatever it is she's on, or getting yourself out of the situation. That can't be a good environment for your kids, shielded or not.
2007-01-31 23:53:09 · answer #3 · answered by btpage0630 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave your wife first!.... (did you notice that the first person listed that you didn't want to hurt was the 'other woman', then her partner, maybe you need to resolve your marriage wether you take up with this new lady or not)
Affairs ALWAYS come out in the end. If not today, in years to come! Don't hide it, be single before you start anything else!!
Be a good role model to your kids!
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that is acceptable to cheat on the person you made a promise to.
Were your vows like mine? "forsaking all others be true to"?
Treat others as you want to be treated!.
How would you feel, if your wife was thinking this?
2007-01-31 23:08:38 · answer #4 · answered by Missy Missy! 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is that the reason your marriage went downhill because you forgot your wife? Dude, come on you marry someone with vows... does that not constitute for anything your wife does for you... (sorry I may be out of line but I don't know why the marriage went down hill.) But for your advice, I would first follow what your heart feels... Yes you are wrong to lead others... If you must: let go of your wife, divorce her, and move on with the co-worker, if that is what truly will make you love life again...
2007-01-31 23:04:27 · answer #5 · answered by De 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the wearing a wedding ceremony ring to you is major...(Bands do not supply up individuals from messing round) Then get them sized so she will be ready to positioned on them. situation a million solved... situation 2 you confronted her and she or he says for sure not! properly ask he why the decide on to dangle at bars with out you? in the journey that they is an answer which there'll be watch her face the 2d after the question is requested....I mean the 2d once you end that query....If she breaks eye contact she feels in charge about something...Now does not mean she is having a affair yet she decide on not be in bars for some reason
2016-12-03 07:45:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know how your kids will be hurt?
By growing up in a home where their parents marriage is '****** up'.If it's so bad LEAVE-DON"T CHEAT.
That will only make things harder for everyone.
By the way-You 'think' this other woman will engage in affair?
If it was gonna happen it would have by now,affairs are not planned!!It's not a conscious decision.If it was nobody would have them.
YOU ARE MARRIED WITH KIDS-IS SHE WORTH LOSING THAT?
But on the other hand,everybody deserves to be happy.If you are not,only YOU can change that.
2007-02-01 01:02:05 · answer #7 · answered by *charmer* 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take care of the marraige first. End it. But not for her, make sure it is because you don't want to be there any longer. You have kids, you can't screw up and get caught. She will take you to the cleaners. Think about the relationship you want to have with your children when the marraige is gone. Then, if she has also left her significant other, you can give it a shot. If you cheat with her now, neither of you will ever be able to trust the other.
2007-02-01 00:23:01 · answer #8 · answered by browneyedgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whatever you do, get a divorce 1st. If you do, you will only lose 1/2 to 2/3 of your money the rest of your life.
If you cheat, and your wife finds out, then you will lose about 6/7 of everything and you will be lucky to leave the courtroom with your shirt on.
2007-01-31 23:59:42 · answer #9 · answered by Flyah64 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have a 3-some with your wife and the lady from work. Don't cheat on your wife. Think about your kids. :(
Or tell your wife. Quit your job. Get counselling. Your wife will understand why you need to quit your job if you're having feelings for another woman. She will support you and it will scare the hell out of her and force her to make big changes in your marriage.
The other lady is off limits. You have a family. Please don't destroy your kids' lives out of selfishness. Get away from the other lady ASAP.
2007-01-31 23:35:25 · answer #10 · answered by •√¡rgő• 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋