HELP: Why on earth do I still love the one who hurt me the most, and why do I still choose to belong to him??

Question

Could u kindly throw some light on this?

Cause, this man, I am with and whom I have been broken up with twice - once cause of some other girl
2nd cause he could not accept me when I told him about my past., and in this case, We did not speak for 2 years, and he never really wished me on my birthdays, however, when he was in town he did try and make sure he bumps into me to clear stuff up, but I was busy dodging him...

Anyhow 2 yrs later, he's back in my life, and for the enth time, we confessed our love to each other.....

However, everyone is telling me that I can do better, and everyone is telling me to move on.

I am feeling almost stuck in this situation, And I know he makes me feel good at times, but some things of him annoy me, and he can bore me at times, but I still love this guy......

And now, I can’t understand myself, and I hardly know why.......

Also, I am kind of scared that he will do the same thing again, and another fear of mine is that, when I need him

And now, I can’t understand myself, and I hardly know why.......

Also, I am kind of scared that he will do the same thing again, and another fear of mine is that, when I need him the next time I can’t really bank on the fact if he will actually be there.


Please help…………. Advice Appreciated and needed.

Answer 1

Hi there,

You are an emotionally-intelligent woman I can tell from your wording and you are so aware of your situation but it seems as if you seem helpless to do very much to change it in case you will get rejected by this guy who doesn't really rock your boat?.

Anyone who rejects you on the basis of your past is not worthy a shot of your time and because your past is your past and not the present nor future even if your past has affected you life now. A person will want to be with someone because they like them and feel good around them and that is what makes a relationship work.

If you feel stuck in something you don't want to be in then you certainly don't want to be in it in the first place. No one can make you be with this guy at all and if it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right and he has no powers to make you stay with him. To be confused means that you have reasons not to trust that person and you do have reasons not to trust him because he betrayed your trust two years ago. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, it still happened and what we do is bury the memories of it over time only for the left over feelings to remain.

If you don't speak to him a great deal about what happened then of course, you are going to be carrying these feelings around about what happened and keep changing your mind about how you do feel about him. This is only natural after what you have been through with him even though he has moved on and forgotten you haven't. Being rejected is also a very painful and hurtful thing to feel and I have been there to know this and so you are going to not really like him as much as you think you do. You are going to hate him as much as you feel wronged by what he said and did those two years ago and that doesn't change just because we forgive.

It is not right to be with someone we don't really want to be with even though we love and care about them - it takes trust and honesty from the start and you never had this. You can only ever do what is right for you whatever other people's opinions are - you have your own but just are working through what you feel about this guy before you are ready to listen to others. He may be very sorry for the past, but it isn't enough just to say it if it is still causing you to feel the way you do. Perhaps this goes a lot further into your childhood and where your trust may have been betrayed then or when you were ignored and made to feel unloved?

We can often find out why we feel the way we do by writing down what our childhood lives were like and how we feel now as adults in relationships. Something can always be traced right back to times when we were a lot younger.

I was abandoned a lot by my parents and other adults and so when a man ignored or neglected me, I would hate them and because I used to think they never cared about me. This is just an example but like you, I choose or have chosen men who were not really healthy for me and because at the root of it all, I felt unlovable and unwanted as I had done all my childhood life. This is why a lot of women choose guys who are wrong for them and possibly why you have chosen to be with the guy you are with now?

Only you will know. But your decisions change as your doubts become more clearer and for me, it took a lot of looking inside of myself to understand why I chose men who lied to me or hurt me or used me - it all could be traced back to childhood and how adults treated me. Your forgiveness of him isn't quite there even though you took him back in and it sounds to me that you don't like yourself very much and you need to work on that so that you do. You have the same right as everyone else to say 'no' to something you don't want and saying 'no' is about taking back power from someone you don't want to give your powers away.

I understand you perfectly well and what you want is for approval from him that he hasn't given you because he rejected you. But you do not need anyone's approval but your own and you know that you are more than acceptable with or without his opinion. If you have little in common with each other and he bores you means that you are not happy and want a guy you can feel stimulated by and who has also earned your trust. My first boyfriend went with another woman and she lured him into it and she she was a lot older than both of us but still did it and even though he had a choice, he felt afraid to have one in that moment of time.

I could never trust him after that but had forgiven him. But for me, leaving the relationship was the important thing to do and so I did it. I took back my powers and because I wasn't going to stay around with a guy who had done it twice and likely would do it again to me. He was like that around people anyway and easily influenced by them and why it made me feel so insecure all of the time. Any woman would feel hurt by a guy who betrayed them and it does take a long time to come to terms with.

I would listen more to how you feel inside and begin to keep a diary for yourself and write down everything you feel and as honestly as you can. Then you will see more clearly why you feel the way you do. But for now, speaking openly and honestly to your boyfriend will make him more aware of how you feel because he seems to not know what he has done exactley no matter how long ago it was.

I wish you luck and hope I have helped?

Answer 2

I can tell you from life experience there is better!! I was engaged to a guy who acted a lot like that. Good, bad, really bad, worse - silent treatment and then back to really good for awhile with all the I Love U's, on again off again etc . It was a roller coaster of emotions for years - UNTIL I met the guy I married. When I met him it was a solid relationship which I found out is SUPER important , he's my best friend [still is] and cares about my feelings. It was love with all the extras and years later it is still great. He and I work at the relationship, communicating, not taking off when things are hard.
1st. Ask yourself if you will be happy with this guy long term?
2nd. Is he there for you when you need him? Can you talk to him, lean on him - through good and bad?
3rd. Maybe you should listen to "everyone" that knows you.
4th. If you move on , stick to it. I am thanking God I did.

Good luck hun!!!

Answer 3

its maybe because youve been through a lot thats why it feels like you should still be with him. especially if he's your first love - then it would be really hard to move on. did you meet someone new during those 2 years of not being together? it can also be because theres no one to compare with. i mean if theres another guy who treated you better than he did, then maybe you wont feel this way.

communication is very important in a relationship. do yourself a favor and talk to him about this. he doesnt seem to be the caring type of guy. sooner or later this will end if you dont both make an effort to improve this.

best of luck.

Answer 4

Are you sure your in love with this guy or do you just love him. there very different feelings. My perception from your story is the you love him but are not in love with him. Why don't you both just be good friends an forget about being lovers. a great friendship is forever a broken love affair can destroy your self esteem. You really don't sound like you should be lovers otherwise he wouldn't bore you and he would be there for you all times.

Love him as a great friend and enjoy his friendship sounds like he loves you like a good friend too and he doesn't come across as being in love with you.

Just take a moment and really think about it. Is this the life you want for yourself? You can't get as hurt if ur just friends.

Take care

Answer 5

hey, nicely you have been with that guy for fairly a whilst and once you the place with him,he made you sense marvelous and particular.Now that his long previous,you omit those particular circumstances and the remarkable issues you probably did jointly.in case you particularly need recover from him,its going to take it sluggish(perhaps a protracted time).yet wait and notice and it start up fading away and you will discover a greater effectual fish interior the pond:)

Answer 6

dear i've got the same matter! even though i've got a very good bf now but can't forget my last boyfriend!
do u know why? cuz i feel that he was the same with me! in any way that u can't even think!
and sadly it's real love! i can never forget him! so i'm trying to live with this dream, don't fight it! go with it and live ur life! find a brand new guy and be happy........ :D

Answer 7

your just in love with the fact that your with someone ...... move on once hurt he will hurt you again

Answer 8

because he keeps it real, and girls like a guy who keeps it real.