How long should I wait?

Question

I have been married over 25 yrs. My husband is working out of town for over a year and is under alot of job pressures. During the last year or so, he has been treating me poorly; picking fights, criticizing me, making up things to fight with me about, and basically comes home to do his laundry and things he wants to do. Two 1/2 weeks ago, I requested that he take enough clothes with him and not come home until he was ready to be decent towards me, and participate in our household and marriage as an equal. I have not heard from him since. How long should I wait until I start preparing myself for him not ever coming back?

Answer 1

I would wait another month. You have to look into yourself and your own feelings. What do you really want? Do you think that with counseling, things could change in your marriage? Think of a plan for yourself and then discuss things with your husband as to where you want things to go or not go in terms of the relationship.

Answer 2

If you are married, for better or worse, this is now the worse. There is no time limit. (excepting abuse, alcahol etc.) He is treating you poorly for sure, but I don't know what he is thinking and neither do you. You can try writing a letter to him, trying to get him to open up. Threats are not going to help, talking will. It is difficult to find a good marriage counselor, so try with a local church that is comfortable to you and get some mediation. (not meditation) Only when you KNOW and have heard what the problem is, will you know what to do next. Let the problems unfold as to make your decision for you. I have been with my wife for 39 yrs. and it is just as much work as it takes. We have been to counseling 3 times over the years. Im the talker and she doesnt. But you dont give up if your married. Im sorry your going thru this. It is very painful and frustrating, but someone has to act rationally and make the effort. Good luck.

Answer 3

TODAY'S COMMON SENSE shows that in your case he seems to be with someone else out of town.
When men are under pressure, AND out-of-town for over a year is 75/100% Probability that he will fail in the marriage. It is never a good idea for the husband (or wife) to leave their wife behind with their kids when they have to move out-of-town to work for over a year. These type of jobs tend to always bring problems to relationships.

You should start preparing yourself NOW! But, in the side, try talking to him, nicely. Ask him what he wants out of your 25 year relationship. Try to come to an agreement with him.

In my opinion it would be sad that in your silver years this marriage had to break apart to a divorce.

Be Wise!

Answer 4

You should wait until you feel comfortable... there's no set time limit, especially after 25 years of marriage.
You say he's working out of town and under a lot of pressure. I know my husband tends to internalize his stress and aggravation, and lucky me, the only one he feels comfortable being himself and letting it all out with is me. Maybe he's feeling disconnected from you and pushing you away in a kind of "I'll hurt her before she can hurt me" move? Try taking it slow. Call him, chat for a few minutes, and hang up. Don't push the issue right away. Show him that you're someone he WANTS to be with - remind him of why he fell in love with and married you. I tend to be guilty of laying all the daily "crap" on my husband when he walks in... but what he really wants is a kiss and hug hello, and me to tell him how happy I am to see him. I know it must be hard on you with him working out of town, but it's probably stressing him as much as it is you. Look for some changes you can make... who knows, maybe that will spark some change in him? The ultimatum probably didn't help, though I do understand why you felt you had to do it. Just call him and tell him you love him.

Answer 5

Hmmm, tough one. If the past 25 years have been pretty good and it's out of character for him to be this way, you need to try to help him figure out what is wrong and support him. He could have problems ranging from severe stress to an actual medical problem. You wouldn't want to turn your back on him to find out he has a real problem. However, if it's been a problem that has been mounting for years, you need to take care of yourself. I think that you already know what needs to be done, and just want the green-light from someone else so you don't seem like a jerk. It's not jerky to want a happy homelife. If he doesn't want to be part of your happiness then let him be miserable all bye himself. I wouldn't wait any longer.

Answer 6

You should start preparing right now...

Contact an attorney and figure out what steps you will need to take to protect yourself.

Then, contact him...the only obvious reason that he isn't coming home, treating you bad, and pushing you away is that he has someone else in his life. Ask him point blank what is going on.

Have you suggested counseling? I have to admit though if he has been working out of town for over a year already, he has probably decided the marriage is over and you need to move on just like him...

Answer 7

This does not sound good. You need to get in touch with him and tell him you want the truth. Sounds like it could be an affair. Ask him outright. You should not just sit there forever. If he's having an affair then you might want to get a divorce so that you can protect your legal rights.

Answer 8

Wow, i'm amazed you've been able to last that long...i think you should reward yourself for such bravery and loyalty to a pig who doesn't seem to love you or appreciate you anymore by having a burning of all his things and filing for divorce...and move, if you can, as soon as you can...wipe clean the slate and enjoy your life again...

Answer 9

I believe he treated you this way, because he has a girlfriend. He picked fights with you so you would kick him out. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved in with her.

Have you tried contacting him? Have you gone to a lawyer to see what your rights are in case he decides to file for divorce?

Answer 10

The day you sent him packing..... You did the right thing. He has someone else anyway and you already know this. He as Just to wimpy to admit it . For guys it is easier to make the women the cause of all bad things. But you did good.