How do I deal with a wife who is a pig?

Question

I make upper middle class income working average of 11 hours per day - 5 days per week. I can afford to have my wife stay home to take care of kids. She has a masters degree. Youngest kid is now 11. She wants to stay home to "be there" for kids after school.
Fine, but is it too much for me to expect her to clean the house? She knows better. The downstairs where her friends can see is relatively clean if not very clean. The upstairs where the kids sleep and go to bathroom is outragous. The bathroom can go 6 months without cleaning. The kids rooms are never cleaned since they were born. I could almost live with this but the kids are now all slobs too.

She wants me to appreciate her, but I can't. I've let her know of my dissatisfaction but she won't change. We don't talk; love is gone; no sex; hardly anything left to marriage except for kids who in spite of being slobs have a lot going for them.

Any advice? I think I could love her again if we could come to an understanding.

Answer 1

Does she realize how much this bothers you? You said you've mentioned it, but did you really let her know how important it is to you?
First, the kids can clean their own rooms. Pick a Saturday, tell them no games, no tv, no life until they make a dent in the disaster. Not all at once, it's overwhelming, but a few hours a weekend for a few weeks won't kill them.
Personally, when I go on a cleaning 'strike' and let it all go, it's either because I'm depressed, or I'm angry. From what you said, she's probably got a combination of both going on. She doesn't feel appreciated, so she doesn't clean since you wouldn't appreciate it anyway, which makes you appreciate her less... see the cycle starting there? Offer to help out on a one time basis, to get things started. Take her out to dinner afterwards. Show appreciation for the little things, and she'll move on to the bigger things.
Gonna get thumbs down for this, but I'll say it anyway. NO, if you work full time, and she stays home so she can be there for the kids when they get home from school... it is NOT too much for you to expect a semi clean house. Perfection? You're not gonna get it. Effort? Yeah, that's a reasonable expectation.
I work part time, with 2 kids (1 disabled) and 3 dogs. Is my house spotless? Nope. It's cluttered. BUT, certain things (vacuuming, dishes, laundry, bathroom) are more important to my husband, so I make sure those are done. The rest I do on an as needed basis.

Answer 2

Marriage, and raising children is a combined effort. That means you do have a say in things as well dad. She's right in being there for the kids. The age they're at, is probably more important now, than when they were babies. You dont say how many children and their ages. If the youngest is 11, then they should all have responsibilities around the home. You both need to lay out some rules, and you both need to have a united front. However, it doesnt sound as thou you have much of a marriage at this point. So the kids dont stand a chance.
If you're unable to get thru to each other, perhaps a professional is needed at this point. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I would say to hire a maid:) Why dont you clean once in a while and offer to help her around the house... Sounds like you both dont want to bother to clean the house.... Why dont the kids clean their own rooms they should be old enough to do that.... You all should take turns cleaning the bathroom.... Work together as team effort is all i am saying. You may need help and counseling for your marriage and maybe she is depressed or something and maybe needs to see a doctor about this .....

Answer 4

sounds like you're doing all that you can. give her an ultimatum. do the domestic things or get a job and then a cleaning person for the household chores, which aren't being done anyway. what does she do all day? it sounds like she's gotten lazy, maybe depressed or cheating on you, and now freeloading too... if she won't do either then you should divorce her... hate to do it because of the kids but you have to think of what's best for everyone, they're slobs now but what about when they don't have any ambition cause their mom just sits around all day?

Answer 5

Maybe she is feeling depressed and the thought of keeping the area where she can be social in is all she can get the energy to do. I am a stay at home mother of 4, with one on the way and I homeschool. There is very little time to keep tidy and it drives me insane!!!! I am a terrible control freak but I have learned to just let some things go to enjoy my kids. Maybe she just went to extreme, but I wonder, did you end up with a broken arm in all of this??? Pick up a toilet brush...if its so disgusting, you allowwing it tells me your just as big a pig and who is going to save your children????

Answer 6

first get counseling

Remember never ask someone to do something you are not willing to do yourself. Take a weekend and dig in with the children ask let everyone know what day is it going to happen and then send your wife for the day.

She does sound like she is depressed maybe she would like a part-time job out of the house. She may need to have something to spark her interest again.

When was the last time you said something nice to her and meant it?

Answer 7

Did u really talk to her about stay home to take care of kids? u said " she want to stay home " is it true? I think a woman with high knowledge ( she ia MA ?) it 's hard for her to leave work and stay at home tobe a housewife.So why don't u hire a nanny to share the housework with your wife
u don't talk,love is gone and worst is no sex.u don't like it , right? Talk to her.u can't live wothout that stuff