Help with my marriage! had a baby 8 months ago, now it's falling apart.?

Question

my husband and i are having real problems in our marriage. he continuallly talks to a girl at his work, and is getting sms messages all the time. he drinks all weekend and doesnt want to spend any quality time with me or our baby. just before christmas this came to ahead, and we were sorting it out, now it seems to be getting bad again - he wont see a counsellor, and is blaming me for everything. i am trying hard to save our marriage, but feel that he is wanting to be in his 20s again, with no committment or any responsibilities. he says he is not cheating on me, but i just dont know what to think - i found a condom in his wallet. i feel so alone, have no one to talk to about this. can anyone give me some ideas on what i should do? i am absolutely heartbroken by all this - i love this man, and have been with him for 10 years. I just dont know what to do.

Answer 1

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this situation, especially since you just had a child. If he won't see a counselor with you, it seems like he does not want to save your marriage. I'm not big on ultimatums, but your situation my necessitate one. Let him know that if he does not help you in trying to save your marriage that you will leave him. If he still continues to be stubborn and blaming, he has given you your answer and you need to leave him or kick him out. That may be the wake up call that he needs. I know that you love him, but if he doesn't feel the same way, you deserve to have a loving spouse that would not put you through this type of emotional abuse. Good luck and I sincerely hope that he comes around.

Answer 2

Omg! I am so sorry to hear about your problems...

From what you're saying he is definitly cheating on you. I'd think twice but the condom thing is a dead give away.

Now about what you should do... it's going to be hard and much easier said than done, however, if you are not financially dependant on him just leave him for a while. You need to be strong and throw away the victim hat. Think of your baby and the fact he/she might grow up in an unhealthy atmosphere that parents cheat and lie.

Staying with someone who doesn't love and respect your relationship as much as you do is a mistake. You'll be distroying yourself and your baby.

On the other hand, once you're gone he may realize what he's been doing wrong and bring him to his sences. Make him work to win you back so when you're back he values your presence. And if he doesn't then you have saved yourself years of agony.

No matter hard YOU try to save your marriage it won't work unless both of you want it the same level...

Some men freak out when they have kids, but the reality is that you two have been married long enough for him to be ready for that kind of commitment. It's not fare to you and your child to be in this situation because he's too selfish to make the commitment...

If you happen to leave him... don't sit there fighting and giving him grief... If you have any family members or close friends that you can stay with just one day that you've had enough just pack your stuff and leave... let him come to an emty home and let it hit him in the face that you won't put up with his s h i t! Unfortunately whenever men feal that they completely "own" a woman both pyisically and emotioanlly then they look at them like doormats... they'll walk all over you... it's up to the woman to keep the spark and mystery... he shoudln't feel that just because you two have a baby you're stuck there no matter what...

be strong and stand up for you rights...

Good Luck and best wishes...

Answer 3

All right, here's what a wise, fatherly psychologist told me when I was in the same position (fantasizing about my first love while my marriage was crashing down around my ears). He said "you're not still in love with that guy, even though it feels like you are. But... chances are there were things about that relationship that you don't have in your current one. Can you figure out what they are, what you're missing, and make those changes in your marriage? If you can, maybe your marriage has a chance, and you will certainly stop fantasizing about the other guy." They were wise words. My marriage DID fall apart, my first date after the separation was with my coveted "first love," it was fun but we didn't hit it off because we'd both changed too much. (I'm not sorry my husband and I broke up, though, there were many more problems than this) So feel the pain, but learn from the pain, then you can move on. Also stop with the physical stuff! Call your local YWCA to see a counselor! You could get hurt.

Answer 4

Condom in a wallet......BIG RED FLAG!!! The truth is, he would never tell you he is cheating. Look at what he would be risking? Infidelity charge in court, you would get everything and he would get nothing plus a payroll deduction for child support.
I hate to tell you this as I know it hurts like hell. But sometimes you just gotta see it for what it is. Now, this doesnt mean your marriage is over.....because for now, its not. But it is in your hands. You know deep down what is going on. He is going through something whether it be a midlife crisis, or freaking out over the baby, perhaps you arent the slender woman you once were after the baby. I have no idea, but what you have to do is get to the bottom of it. But sweety, dont be easy on him. If you dont take a stand, he will only continue this behavior. Its probably a phase, as you have been together for so long, but u dont deserve it at any cost.
Sit his fanny down and insist that the two of you talk. Tell him what you know. Tell him how this makes you feel and then ask him to be honest and open as to what the problem is. This is the only way to work through it because until you find the root of the problem, you are only fixing it temporarily.
Marriage counseling would be great, but you already said he is unwilling to do so.
This drinking stuff needs to stop too. Whats he trying to do, escape? Escape from what? His responsibility? Probably.
Not gonna happen, cause when he sobers up, its still there.
Theres a deeper problem and you gotta figure out what it is.
I wish you all the luck in the world hun. You and your baby deserve better and i hope he sees what hes doing and becomes the man he should.
Best wishes.

Answer 5

I can see the advice to seek counseling, but it will only work if both of you are into it, and obviously he is not into it anymore. He certainly needs help. Something is definitely up with him to cause him to act this way. I don't think the baby deal sat very well with him. He played his part in making the baby, but for some reason can't seem to back it up by being true to you and the baby. You should speak to a counselor for your own sake though. See if they can help you sort this all out and help you make the best decisions for you and your baby, cause you sure can't go on living with him as is. I wish you and baby well. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is. I lost my marriage after 13 years, so i have some idea the rough road you have ahead of you, and sweetie, you can't do it alone... seek help.

Answer 6

It is important to try to work this out, but you can only do so much and when your taking care of a baby there is less energy for anything else. Be strong. There's two ways i feel that may be worth giving a shot. 1st) Play his game & see how he likes it. Find a baby sitter and go out. ( if you have no friends call a cousin, make some up or better yet find some) have a good ol' time and maybe he'll see how it feels. 2nd you can show him the door. I know you love him, but you can't hold him down if he doesn't want to stay. Kill him with kindness and be understanding and the whole condom thing is not o.k. He's obviously taking things to the next level- catch him!!!!!

Answer 7

i am in exact same boat. My husband and i have been together for 10 years and we have an 18 month old child. Things were never perfect but now it's completely gone astray. He has a "friend" at work who he "talks" to (get this she's his secretary!). We've gone to counselling and things still didn't work. In the last few weeks we have completely lost it with each other and we are seriously talking about divorce. It's a very hard decision and we are still swaying back and forth. However, there are times when you need to cut your losses and move on and lean on those who love you. Things will pick up. It might take a few months or a few years, but they will. The hardest thing to do is to make the decision to leave. Talk to your husband about what he wants (and be prepared to hear that it may not be you).

Answer 8

I have been through almost the same thing, but I was not married. I just had a baby and my ex boyfriend just acted as if he just did not have any responsibilities to us emotionally. I have spent so much time alone with the baby that I just felt like I had the baby on my own. He would hang out late and come home any time that he wanted. He told me that he would do what he wanted to do and he would not changed. I finally really believed him and we have broken up. I think that you should give a little more effort than me though because you are married and marriage is sacred. Maybe he will come around. I think that it is suspicious if he is getting messages from a girl at work all of the time. This is a new element. If he does not want to get help from counseling then maybe you should try to separate for a while and see what happens. See if he wants to get back together or if he sees this as his opportunity to date and party. If he think he is 20 again, move on, but if he wants to get back together, make sure that you see change before you get back with him.

Answer 9

If I said, "pack your stuff and go", you won't do it because you love him. And we are talking from woman to woman here.

Let me help by asking you to search "when did this problem began? Where were you? What problems you had with him back then? Did you upset him at some point where he started searching for girls? Or did this girl made intrusion into your marriage?
-Ok, 1st of all, God is the solution every problem. God is always willing to help his children get their joy and happinnes. Most of the time is US (we) that makes so many mistakes and then we start regretting it. Search God's help, and for good counseling, maybe a visit to a church will be the first step to solving this problem.
I also visited a site a week ago where this Dr. who specializes in relationship issues have helped so many couples very successfuly. He has helped women understand men and how they see things differently from us women. And he gives tips on his ebook on how to make your man have desires for you only.
Click on the following site:

Answer 10

Ok, here's the skinny (facts) you found a condom in his wallet, I take it you guys don't use them. So theres no reason for him to have them. 2 he gets meesages from who? 3. talks to a girl at work.4 and drinks all weekend. So he's missing out on his baby. Sit him down and tell him. I love you and our family and I am willing to work on this. But it takes two to work this out and I'm in this for the long haul. I am not asking you to admit you are in the wrong or myself. But we can not continue to live like this. and if you are cheating the grasss aint always greener on the other side. So you have three options, we end this now. So our child does not think it is ok to treat people the way you are treating me and him/her. 2 get marriage counseling because I am not the only one who wants to make this work. Three we separate for now and I give you some time to party and hangout.And hopefully by the time you get this out of your system I will still want to be with you. Because once you walk out that door no SEX here. Your child needs a father and I need my husband. BUT LISTEN AND LISTEN WELL.. If you continue to let him act this way nothing will change and he will think it's ok. And if you threaten to leave and dont follow through he will NEVER take you seriouly ever again. So think long and hard about what your willing to do. Do you want to be happy? Do you wantt to be respected? Do you want your child to have a father? What do you want out of your marriage? What are you willing to put up with and for how long?


What's important to you? These are questions only you can answer? If you say bye bye will he change his tune. And are you only putting up with this because of the baby. Don't let that be the reason. Because that child feels all the pain your going through and it's not fair. So everything your going through does affect that child one way or another. And you never know it could get worse. Think about it... Start by going to counseling yourself before you go into depression