My husband is having an online romance with an old girlfriend what do I do?

Question

My husband hooked up with an old girlfriend via one of those reunion sites. The conversations are on Messenger and I have read them. He doesn't know there is an archive for messages and I can recall the conversations. They started out just talking about people they know, but lately the talk has gone back to their old relationship (they were lovers) and the talk has become more lovey dovey lately with some explicit comments. I feel betrayed and think he is making a fool of me. Should I be concerned or is this just an "ego trip" for him to know that another woman could still be in love with him. He tells me he is online playing chess, but I can hear the keyboard clicking away for at least 90 mins every afternoon and when I check, sure enough there is another coversation with her. I have told him I know about this relationship but he continues to talk to her over my objections. My friends tell me he is a jerk and doesn't care about me and to leave him.

Answer 1

I don't know how long you two have been married but this will have a bearing on any divorce settlement should you decide to leave him. He is cheating on you by telling lies about what he is doing. In your place I would print and keep copies of the archives as these prove his behaviour.
You have told him how you feel about these conversations and he has ignored your feelings, not that behaviour of a loving husband. I do think it's worth taking legal advice before you take any decision about ending your marriage, make sure you know what you will be entitled to, including any pensions he might have. When you have all the facts, then sit him down and talk to him, show him copies of the archives you printed and give him the chance to save your marriage by going to Relate. If he refuses, then I don't think your relationship is worth saving. Unless you are prepared to live with his behaviour and the uncertainty of whether he might just decide the grass is greener her side of the fence, then you will have to instigate a divorce. Don't leave him though, toss his cheating butt out secure in the knowledge that you gave him every chance.

Answer 2

I feel for you hun, i really do. In my eyes, it's okies to be mates with an ex, as long as the "old" times are not brought up. Men & women do this because they feel the need for attention, other than what they have, They want to feel special, and have their ego boosted, and this can result in conflict with the partner, and quite understandably so. Your husband has also brought lies into this situation too. What good is that in a marriage?. He should respect your feelings and leave this other woman alone. I know they say"it's only words on a comp", but do they not understand that words hurt?!. I can understand your feeling of betrayal, and the more he does this, the more insecure you will be. He needs to be told what he is doing wrong, and ask him why he lied to you about playing chess when he was chatting to this other woman. You deserve better hun, hope you get sorted out.
Blessings

Answer 3

Your friends are right. but trash the computer before you leave.But first one afternoon when he is not home log on as him and end their relationship online. Be mean tell her what you think of her. Slander his name and hers anywhere that you can and get everything of value before you split. Destroy his credit run up all the cards on something and have the bill sent to him when you are already gone. Do not give away anything to him of your plan. But have a plan of escape that gives you the power. And he will be the worm on the hook. It will make you feel better. Remember revenge is best served cold and don't look back think it through and cover all of you bases so you come out ahead. He will be left in the gutter where he belongs good luck. Talk it over with his mother, tell her he got the other woman pregnant. Take every photo graph of you, cd's, downloads, everything with your image on it. Leave nothing of yourself, wipe the place down for fingerprints. Take food. Quit your job, leave the state.As you leave, call Tokyo time and leave the reciever off the hook. Just kidding.

Answer 4

You obviously don't want to leave him or you wouldn't be asking for an opinion on here you'd be packing.BUT..

You need to make it quite clear to him that this is intolerable and that you will not allow it to continue in your home. You must explain that the fact he is lying and treating you as if you have a limited brain capacity is unacceptable and that HE will be leaving if it continues.

This is best done after he receives a full set of printouts of all the conversations he's had that he thinks you don't know about through the post(from you)at your address. I don't know what it is about receiving something through the post but it doesn't half make people sit up and take notice.

Keep a set of prints for yourself of course.

Follow through with anything you give as an ultimatum-even if you really don't want to-or he'll be doing the rest of your time together.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Your friends are right.

When a man loves a woman, he may like to look and may even want to be physical with another woman but never forgets who his sweetheart is. A man who loves his wife isn't having intimate "lovey dovey" conversations every day with another woman.

He is emotionally cheating on you and you have every right to feel hurt, betrayed and angry.

The thing is, do what you want when you're single, but once your married, there are sets of rules both parties follow and chating ex-girlfriends with romantic language on the internet is definitely a broken rule.

I don't even think he is worth keeping around, but if you are dead set on trying to save your marriage, print out the emails, tell him what you know and tell him you are only giving him this one chance - it is you or her. If you find he goes back to doing this or picks her - you would be crazy not to get a divorce, if he picks you, and you know for sure he isn't contacting her, let him know it will take a long time for you to regain his trust.

Whatever you do, DON'T take blame for looking into his messenger messages. He will try to throw the blame on you - if he does this, he really is the biggest of jerks.

You have one life, live it. If I were you I personally wouldn't let it happen again with this girl or another in the future. How can you even think of him the same?

Answer 6

Well in my opinion, he still has feelings for this person. It could be he has unfinished business with her. It could be he is not 100% with your relationship with him.I dont know cause I am not in your relationship. I am sure, even if he wasnt romantically inclined towards her he would find it as an ego trip, or feel complimented if she was making passes at him. But for the fact that he is sneeking and lying about the content of the conversations, it makes it very questionable. I do think he is on a very thin sheet of ice. And, this relationship with this old love may be re-kindling; he may not be able to resist the temptation. I would definatly be on my gaurd about this. If he is not going to stop talking to her then he needs to make the conversation more appropriate because he is married.

Answer 7

You need to confront him and have proof of the e-mail conversations that he is having with this woman. Having a relationship like that when you are married even on the Internet is just not on. Those friends reunited websites are dangerous and have caused all sorts of things like that.

If he is lying to you about playing chess there is more to it in his mind than just corresponding with an old friend. Sort it out now before it goes any further.

This other woman could be single or divorced and wants your husband. It wont be long before she suggests a meeting.......
Best of luck!

Answer 8

Do you have a printer and if so copy everything you can get your hands on. You need to protect yourself as much as possible against him leaving you.Please don't ever make the mistake into thinking he would never leave you because I'm hear to tell you that he most certainly would.Ask The question how many women out there knew nothing of their husbands girlfriend and the husbands walking out on them to be with the other woman.I no not your husband right well I myself said and felt as you do now.I still remember the night he told me he has been thinking about moving out for some time now.One thing he forgot to mention was his girlfriend he was seeing for almost two years.And to make it even worse if that was even possible but it sure was the whore was a co- worker he had been working with for years.I knew her and she knew me, she was ugly fat and 10 years older then my husband.You see so don't ever say my husband would never do that to me, he would and most likely has made plans to meet.I don't mean to get you upset just prepared for if.For your sake watch your husband very,very close.

Answer 9

I really feel for you...I would feel betrayed too.

I would be awful leery, online romances and such have often lead to so much more. It's like baby-steps to the road of cheating. You can't just allow it to continue any longer. I know you have said some things but more extreme measures are needed. Like the person above, I think you should print out the chats and confront him. If he isn't apologetic and shameful then you have nothing to work with here. His imagination, ego, and fantasies may have the best of him.

Best of luck to you and I hope your situation gets better.

Answer 10

Along with the internet, came a new way of cheating. I swear, people have NO self control. Anyway, you have every right to be ticked. Maybe nothing will come of this other than their naughty conversations which is still not right, but the thing that bothers me most about this situation is that he's lying to you and hiding things from you. He's also blatantly continuing what he's doing KNOWING you know about it. Why? Because he knows he can. Same *@#$ reason I'm getting out of the mess I'm in, because after 7 years, I realize I am worth more than this and deserve better. If he'll do this to you, what else will he do?
Follow your heart, and ALWAYS listen to your inner voice, even when people say it's not so. Your inner voice will never lie to you, but people will!