What do you do if you are married, you have children but you don't love him anymore? I have tried over and over but living with someone who is so up and down and really hurt our relationship. I don't want to be the *^(&^% and just leave, believe it or not I do care about him as a person but not a lover, I almost feel sorry for him (really) like what would he do without me. I feel like I am taking care of another child at times. What do I do?
2007-01-31 10:21:21 · 18 answers · asked by kj_lillies 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
it's time to move on
2007-01-31 10:24:13 · answer #1 · answered by can u ♥ moi? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the same situation right now. If you have a true desire to leave, then don't dally around. Sit this man down, and explain how you feel. Tell him the truth and don't hold back to spare his feelings. Make every decision in the best interests of the children with regards to custody, support, visitations, etc. And do what you have to do.
I would recommend counseling for both of you. There's got to be a reason you stopped loving him and I would daresay that you need to deal with that headlong before proceeding with a divorce. If you value him and the lives of yourself and your loved ones, it's worth a second chance. You may even come to find that you still love him once the problems are addressed.
If your mind is made up, then follow the first advice. It's the best I can give you if you have no hope left for your marriage.
By the way to everyone who repied to this question...
Where were all the "Move On" replies to the question I posted about my situation? All I ever got on my question was "Man up" and "You promised" and "the vow said death do us part" etc...
Just curious...
2007-01-31 18:28:31 · answer #2 · answered by genetic_traitor 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get some counseling first of all to make sure that you really do want to let go of this relationship. If he goes to counseling with you, and you do decide to get a divorce, then the counseling will help you both get through the divorce easier. You could also take the children to counseling during the divorce to help them get through it emotionally, because it will be hard for them too.
If you are not in love with him then you should leave. Playing the martyr and staying in a loveless relationship only sends the message to your children that it is advisable for them to do so as well. You have a life too and you deserve to be happy. I had to leave someone two and a half years ago after a 9 year marriage and it hurt to have to tell him. He cried. He was married again a year later. It may not be as bad as you think.
2007-01-31 18:28:48 · answer #3 · answered by StrawberryShortcake 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Read 'Relationship Rescue' by Dr. Phil McGraw. If you don't like reading it is available in audio book. I think it would be very possible to get the love back and have a happy marriage. Give it your best shot before you give up on your family. Another book that made a huge difference to my marriage is 'Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus' by Gray. It sounds ridiculous but it is about communication between men and women. I found that when I read him something out of the book he really took it on board, even when I had been trying to tell him the same concept for years and hadn't got through. I hope you can create a great marriage for your kids sake. Best wishes.
2007-01-31 18:36:07 · answer #4 · answered by Ripplediane 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get alone with him/her. Don't do this on the phone!
Relax. You are doing the right thing...he needs to know the truth.
Tell himthat you feel this relationship on its current level needs to end.
Give him some time to let it sink in.
If s/he tries to convince you to give him/her another chance, listen to him/her.
Tell him/her that you've made up your mind.
Tell him/her at what level you would like to keep your relationship (acquaintences, never-seens, friends, etc).
Listen to his/her response. Respect his/her feelings about this new level
Let him/her go when s/he feels s/he needs to end the conversation.
Tips:
Be honest. Although breakups can be really hard on relationships, honesty will salvage any possible future friendship.
When you've realized that you are no longer interested in this person, let him/her know. Don't drag out a pointless relationship.
Look at this like taking off a band-aid. Would you rather do it fast or slow? Which one hurts more?
GOOD LUCK!!!!
* Be careful and have better judgement when you meet someone and feel you want to spend the rest of your life with them so you don't have to go through this again!
2007-01-31 18:26:50 · answer #5 · answered by journeythroughlife85 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's always hard to let go of someone you love. I have been on the other side of the coin and I would say that you need to sit them down and talk to them tell them you are leaving. Don't go into a long explanation of what they've done wrong or right. Just tell them it's not working out for you and that you need to move on.
This way you are still respecting them and yourself. Your not bringing up a bunch of crap to make them feel worse your just moving on.
I had an ex-boyfriend that did that with me and it was the easiest break up I'v been through. Trust me I'v been through a lot. Recieving end and giving end.
2007-01-31 18:31:19 · answer #6 · answered by stephanieplum4404 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you thought about trying a temporary separation? Sometimes when your apart for awhile you realize things aren't as bad as you thought they were or one the other hand, you may realize, this is exactly what you want and you can proceed to making it a permanent end to the marriage. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and maybe the separation will make that clear to you. Try to communicate with him will apart, who knows maybe you can work it out and all will end up well. If you can't work things out, at least part as Friends for the kids sake. Good Luck with your decision.
2007-01-31 19:15:18 · answer #7 · answered by pam m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop thinking of only him, and feeling guilty for thinking of you, which is probably what he's "trained" you to do without you even knowing it. You can love someone, but you also need to love yourself. Follow your heart. If you're not happy, then the children won't really be happy either. Move on if it's what's best for you.
2007-01-31 19:02:04 · answer #8 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't break up your home and family just because you don't feel love right now. Love ebbs and flows at certain times in every relationship. This is the part of the marriage vows that you promise to love and honer and respect him.. Go to a marriage counselor and learn how to do this again my 2 cents
2007-01-31 18:29:46 · answer #9 · answered by Bonduesa 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
with all the pain in your heart....you have to move on. If he cant take care of himself, it is not your responsibility to do it for him....sounds harsh I know....but you have to look out for yourself...cause if you dont...then who else will?? also think about the harm you will cause your children.....they have to grow in a loveless family.....you can still be a good mother...even you're the one leaving your husband.
2007-01-31 18:28:09 · answer #10 · answered by ?Jaileen? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sometimes we can think we don't love that person anymore, and really believe it in our heart. must be due to his behavior, and things he is doing, have u tried therapy? think he could win your love back, talk to him first, tell him what it is that is upsetting u, see if he might be willing to make some changes in himself. he may be just a little too needy, and needs to make some changes.
2007-01-31 18:43:44 · answer #11 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋