Control/Trust Issues?

Question

My gf & I have had problems in the past concerning online profiles so we deleted them. A year ago we both signed up for myspace profiles and have had problems with them. I've suggested that we both delete our profiles so we can take a step towards trusting each other because although she says she totally trusts me I have problems trusting her. She got defensive and talked w/her mother & coworkers who she says have all said it is that it wouldn't make me trust her any more but it's just a control issue. I don't understand & need some outside insight b/c if she asked me to do something to ease her mind then I would not hesitate. Help me understand, pls

Not really insecurities, we've just had a lot of issues w/ these things & I just would like to avoid them & she can't seem to understand that. I guess I'm being an idiot believing that just b/c your gf is constantly flirting online & told you that she's cheated but taken it back, that doesn't mean you shouldn't trust her. If I am insecure then I have good reason to be & I should leave the situation alone. Thank you all for your help & insight.

Answer 1

That's why you date.....If you cant see eye to eye on an issue or have the other give in if one feels so passionately on a subject, then you might need to find someone that will work with and solve problems together, not run to mommy and friends and have a good'ol boyfriend bashing meet. Think, what else does she do that offends you then tries to justify it instead of thinking of your feelings. Its a two way street. But in her defense, she is not married to you and can do whatever she wants to do. The same goes for you.

Answer 2

Not quite sure how they got control out of a simple suggestion to erase both profiles.Sound as if they may have been watching a little too much TV or something. Controlling someone is more like not letting her go out with her friends, telling her what to wear, etc. but never realized suggestions fell under control. I dont even see this as a big trust issue either. I mean I could see a little mistrust here on both parts as to the real reason for erasing profiles to cease the problems. This should never ever gone beyond the privacy of you two. If you two cant work out simple problems like this then you two are having srious issues in your relationship and you better learn to communicate better and keep home problems home before its too late. Good luck

Answer 3

If you truely love her you will not try to control her. I think the myspace page is not really the issue, it would seem that you do know what you have and you are afraid of loosing it to someone else.
One statement that was told to me years ago after my husband had an affair is this. If you spend all your time trying to prevent the inevitable you will be miserable. Love and trust yourself first and beleive that fate will have it's way. If she is going to cheat she will cheat. Temptation may be there, but you cant keep her on a leash tied to the front porch. Once she breaks free from your watchful eye she will be more wild if you hold her back now.

Answer 4

I don't see the problem here? If your worried about guys sending her friends request over myspace.. or sending her comments like "Wow.. your hot"... then your insecure. If you think she'd cheat on you.. then you have a bigger problem and this really has nothing to do with the computer.

I think she's probably sitting there thinking.... "Well if you don't trust me on something as innocent as the computer.. then what's next... I can't go to the grocery store with out you". I'm sure she's worried that this type of behaviour will only get worse.

You need to decide do you trust her or not? If you do, then what does the computer matter?

Answer 5

wow, im sorry for all that has happened to you and him, that's a tough life. you and your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend should stay friends no matter what and try to get some serious help, this is a very bad situation. some of your problems defiantly lie with your mother so you should confront her if possible and talk it out, that should straighten out some problems. another thing you need to work on is trust, you need to convince yourself that your friends are trustworthy and always will be, this will help you. finally with he problems with your boyfriend, you two need to sit down and talk for a long time. also, you may find it useful to get off the anti-depressants, if you still feel down while on them then they aren't doing very well and all thats going to happen is you will get addicted and something bad could happen. also, if you get the urge to kill yourself don't do it, instead just talk with a friend for as long as it takes until your happy or at least not having such thoughts anymore. i may be only 15 but i have attempted suicide twice so i have an idea of what your going through. hang in there, life should get better, don't do something stupid. good luck.

Answer 6

First, a trust issue is yours, not hers. She is doing nothing wrong, you are just afraid she might be. You are jealous.

Jealousy is simply neurotic insecurity. It is the fear that you are not adequate and that someone else might be preferred by your girlfriend over you.

So you try to limit the possible contact she may have with such a person to make yourself feel better.

"In jealousy there is more self-love than love."

But it doesn't stop there. Once you control that aspect of her life you'll move-on to what you perceive as other threats. Jealousy scans for things to prove itself valid. Once the online profiles are deleted you'll be checking her cell phone's numbers called and received lists. You'll be reading her text messages. You'll start suspecting her coworkers and friends. You'll be looking for something in your mind to disprove she is doing anything wrong, but in reality your jealousy is looking for reasons to prove it's valid and warranted.

It's like a cancer that moves through a body, killing every organ it comes in contact with, but still spreads until eventually it kills it's host. Jealousy, in the same way, torments you and is troublesome to your girlfriend, who eventually might just get tired of it and leave you. Jealousy is a cancer in a relationship.

"The jealous bring down the curse they fear the most upon their own heads".

You're right, she should do things that might help ease your mind, but this is simply unreasonable since it's not her issue, it's yours. You are asking her to change who she is because you have a problem. That's not fair to ask of her or anyone else. This is not true love. It's self-love. She may do it to a point, but beyond that she'll simply say you and this relationship simply isn't worth it and she'll move-on.

"Jealousy, that dragon that slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive."

For the sake of your mental health and your relationship, work on yourself. Find-out why you are jealous, where your insecurities stem from, and work them out.

Answer 7

Look dude, No one can ease your mind but you. What she is doing that is causing you to be insecure is how you yourself are mentally perceiving it.Let me tell you from experience.There isn't anything you can do to prevent someone from messing around on you. If they want to and choose to do so they will weather you want them to or not.So, Don't worry about what you cant control and instead grow some self confidence to know that she is with you because she loves you and wants to be with you.The truth is buddy, the more you try to control and watch over someone, the less loved and trusted they feel. And the more likely you are to end up loosing her from being a fool.
Good luck!

Answer 8

Dude you are an insecure guy if you cant even let her have myspace...

if she's gonna cheat on you she's not gonna do it with your permission and this trying to control her only drives her away towards guys like me trust me been there done that dont do this youll loose her for sure this way..

Answer 9

trust is when she can go do whatever she wants and you have faith that she won't hurt you.

control is requiring her to take certain steps (for instance requiring her to take down her myspace page) in order to give you a sense of security.

understand this, your feelings of security or insecurity are not her problem, they are yours. by stipulating that she needs to do something in order to provide you with that feeling of security you aren't addressing a trust issue, you are making her responsible for your feelings of security. that shows a distinct lack of trust.

if she has given you valid reason in the past to mistrust her then maybe you need to seriously consider whether or not you should be with her at all since you are obviously not ready to really trust her in your relationship. if she has not then maybe you need to talk to a counsiller to figure out why you do not feel secure in your relationship and how you can change in order to genuinely trust her.

Answer 10

I have had the opposite happen to me, and a female friend dumped one guy because of his online profile, so if it is a control thing, then you aren't alone, and it isn't a male thing at all.