I have asked a previous question about - when should i leave a long term relationship - and been amazed with the support and advice given. Thankyou so much to everyone.
At the moment, i am at a cross roads - i am supposed to get married to this guy THIS SUMMER. Everything is booked. We have two young kids together and have been together for 8 years. But i am struggling greatly with the idea of being with this man forever. He is quite possibly the most selfish man i have ever known. I have tried to convince myself for years that i can change his bad behaviour but at long last i am realising that this is crazy. He is dismissive of my feelings, does not listen and puts his own needs above and beyond his little family. I have been asking him for years to please consider my feelings and to please show more respect. But nothing seems to work. God i am no saint but i know what i need for this marraige to last - i need respect and consideration. Is that too much to ask ?! I have tried hard!
2007-01-31 08:23:20 · 58 answers · asked by rainbowbox 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Respect and consideration are only the beginning of what you deserve. Don't marry the guy. He has not changed in years and the dynamics will not change for the better with marriage.
"Insanity" - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
2007-01-31 08:27:34 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Respect and consideration is most definitely not too much to ask.
Please do not feel pressured into getting married because everything is booked etc. If you call off this wedding, it will not be the worse thing you've ever done! What would be worse is if you marry someone that you are not 100% sure about.
It sounds as if your partner takes you for granted. It's really quite easy to take your partner for granted, and communication is very important in a relationship. If you have explained how you feel and he hasn't change, then why the hell should you go through with this marriage?
Everyone has their breaking point, and better that you have that prior to your wedding, otherwise it will be harder. You never know, if you speak to him and tell him you do not want to go through with the wedding, he might actually realise he HAS to change - it might be the wake up call he needs to stop taking you for granted, and to realise he is a lucky man!!
You will cope on your own because you are clearly strong enough not to take this anymore. You find strength by being strong......it's that first step, and you just have to keep strong and you will be.
Some people have said that you can't change someone. I don't think you can necessarily change someone, but I do think you can change the way they treat you....and that's by not letting them take advantage. Think of it that you can't change the way they are, but you can definitely change the way you are and what you put up with!
Good luck to you, I'm sure it will all work out for the best!
2007-01-31 08:41:28 · answer #2 · answered by sarahscarah78 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there's no point in going into a marriage when you have feelings like that. surely you can see that it's like driving in a wall!
How about putting your feet down for a change.
It's now or never.
You walk in this marriage with your relation in this current state, babe, nothing will NEVER EVER change!
It won't be blackmail; Just a much needed eye opener for your man. x
Put a stop to the whole thing.
Obviously you must love him since despite everything you're still there and even consider marriage in those conditions.
But by stopping things now, you have more chances of the two of you staying together and the children being happier.
Don't get married until you can be happy with what the future with this guy holds for you.xx
2007-01-31 09:40:37 · answer #3 · answered by Kc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this sounds so much like my story, I am happy to tell you that I mustared up the courage and moved on. Unfortunately I found someone else before my marriage was over, but I believe even though I sinned in the eyes of the Lord, I did the right thing, he is the love of my life and we are now married and have 1 new child. I have 2 boys with my previous husband and they are just as happy with our new life. It wasn't as hard as it seems to move on the scarriest thing is thinking about how it is all going to work. You do deserve respect and you just need to find it somewhere else. Me and my former husband where together for 8 years and I feel like I forced him to marry me. It was over from the beginning. We did manage to stay married for 5 years, but it was a battle almost everyday. And if I new then what I know now, I would have let him go along time before we were married.
2007-01-31 08:35:09 · answer #4 · answered by lisa_in_ok 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do NOT marry this man. If you have any doubts, and you obviously do, then DON"T marry him!! Millions of women have managed to raised children on their own with little or no support and the kids have turned out just fine. First of all, there is this thing called "child support". You go to court to get it. You may not really need a lawyer, or the court may assign you a public defender if you can't afford one. There are many different ways to handle your situation. You are not trapped. There is absolutely no excuse for staying in a bad relationship with someone who isn't a responsible person. And there is never any reason to either get married or stay married because of children. The kids will be better off in a stable, nurturing, happy environment.
2007-01-31 08:35:08 · answer #5 · answered by badkitty1969 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's good that you are realising this now, instead of after the wedding. You should AT LEAST postpone the wedding indefinatly, or even leave him completely. You deserve to be treated so much better and you're right, it's crazy to think you can change him. You should marry someone who you don't feel you need to change. It will be hard to be on your own after 8 years and with your children. But thousand of women do it (maybe more than that). You'll need the support of friends and family. People you can talk to and ask for help when you need it. You'll need a good job and somewhere to live. But you can do this. If you have the strength to leave this man who treats you so badly, then you'll have the strength to take care of your babies on your own. But not completely on your own because you'll have friends and family to help you through. Good luck, and just try to think of what is best for your children and yourself.
2007-01-31 08:33:52 · answer #6 · answered by Eowyn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If there is only one thing that you do right in your life, listen to your doubts! I gaurentee even though you think life as a single mother will be a struggle, it will, and that struggle will be what makes you a good parent and a independant and strong woman. BUT a life with a man that can not even show you respect or consideration will be a life of hell, for sure, no if's, no buts or maybe's. Do you really want to grow old wishing that you chose a different road?
From one stranger to another I wish you well and ask you to do what you think is best for both you and your children. Good luck
2007-01-31 09:01:57 · answer #7 · answered by simon m 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will have had this answer before many times so i will be brief. Don't marry him! Its as simple as that. Everything is booked. So what? Call off the wedding. Tell your nearest and dearest - your mum maybe? how he treats you. If you were my daughter i would be SO GLAD you had seen the light! I was with a guy for years and years and even though i asked him to, NOTHING CHANGED! it will be the same for you. PLEASE dont marry him. Things will be even worse. He won't like it when you tell him, but i think you'd be better splitting up than marrying him. Men DONT CHANGE when they get married. Please be warned, and be happy. Life is short! Don't tie yourself up to someone who doesnt respect you. You are a special wonderful woman, remember it. Do you want your kids growing up thinking this is how a man treats a woman? I do hope you have the strength to at least postpone the wedding and TALK to someone.
Faith x
2007-01-31 22:19:28 · answer #8 · answered by Caroline 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's taken you 8 years and two kids to figure out this guy is a selfish jerk???!!!
These traits that are there now were probably present after you were dating only 6 months. Women seem to think that they can change a man or that if she loves him enough, he will do right. WRONG!!
You've already wasted 8 years of your life that could have been spent with the man that is right for you. We can't change the past, but you may as well get out now. Marrying him will not make things better. It will be tough but you will just have to suck it up and take care of those kids yourself.
Don't waste another 8 years on this man or any other man that is not meeting your needs or reciporcating in the relationship. Why we women do these things to ourselves, I will never understand.
2007-01-31 08:36:00 · answer #9 · answered by saheli_dancer 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
no its not too much to ask! you need someone that will worship you and be be your equal, if you are having second thoughts then dont go ahead with marrying him because it will be the biggest regret of your life and you need a man to set your kids a good example. believe it or not there are some good guys out there that can make you feel like a whole new woman and you will want to be with them forever without question. your partner doesnt deserve you. as for coping with two kids on your own, you will always find a way, no matter what, just be the best mum you can. i hope you make the right decision for your own sake. good luck
2007-01-31 08:32:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you are getting cold feet and all the sudden you start to go through everything that went bad between the two of you for the past 8 years. Was there any good moments ? Do you guys love each other ? I think children are very important. And life can be very difficult being a single mom. It is good if you can address your feelings with him and tell him that you are worried. And that XYZ words make you upset. And you want to have a good life. And you are willing to work on yourself and wish for him to also see his mistakes and work on himself. Remember to have fun , eat well, go to the gym, have a hobby. All these will make ones life more fun and will make less time for fights and arguments.
Good luck - And hope you will enjoy your life at least 70% Cheers!
2007-01-31 09:03:48 · answer #11 · answered by kati 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋