This is my second gothish poem. Tell me what you think.
Title: Eternal darkness
As i bask in the sun of death it slowly takes me away
the wind of the eternally perished reins over me
and throws me into a dark frigid cellar that engulfs my weakened body
the cranking of the chains lifting me off the cold and unforgiving floor
as i dangle so helpless the rats gnaw the skin from my bare feet
my body aches as the life leaves my submissive tomb
and my lifeless corpse sways in the darkest of corners.
2007-01-31 07:27:31 · 11 answers · asked by Barrel_Racing_Cowgirl 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Hello. It's wonderful self-expression, though dark, but creative.
Take care and keep writing.
2007-01-31 07:58:28 · answer #1 · answered by WWJD: What Would Joker Do? 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I had a tough time following... you are in a cellar, but then you are being lifted up.. and then life leaves a tomb? I guess there wasn't much continuity, or sequential action. I mean, you could have just as easily been in a tomb first, and then the life leaves a cellar.
You use a lot of gratuitous words:
"Bask in the sun" (even one of death) is cliche.
I do not comprehend what a "wind of eternally perished" is.
"reins"? I thing you mean "reigns" don't you?
What is an "unforgiving" floor?
Dangling helplessly (although you do use a variant) is cliche.
"Body aches" is cliche.
What is a "submissive" tomb?
"...lifeless corpse" is redundant. (Is there any other type of corpse?)
It wasn't altogether bad. The poem certainly had a gothic feel to it.
2007-01-31 15:53:48 · answer #2 · answered by Jack Chedeville 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this poem of yours belongs in a forensic investigation because it is morbid, psychologically unbalanced and you need a head specialist. I would rescue you but this poem of yours is beyond my depth of communication. The only things I did like about your poem though is your candor and your honest of the gloomier reality because your poem took courage and guts, especially the part about the rats eating away at your feet. Ouch.
2007-01-31 15:47:35 · answer #3 · answered by Pink Honey 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I dont care much for 'gothish' poems so my oppinion is rather biased, but it's missing something, something that will differentiate it from all the other 'gothish' poems
2007-01-31 17:44:23 · answer #4 · answered by A Gabbi 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh dear! Why would you want to dwelll on these dark, dark, things? "God Is Light. This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.
1 John 1:4-6
You have a way with words, use them to uplift!
2007-01-31 15:34:38 · answer #5 · answered by Joan H 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Paints a crisp visual image.
2007-01-31 15:34:27 · answer #6 · answered by Myself 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What are you aiming for: good, bad, evil, sad....if your looking for depressing..Its great..(no offence)
2007-01-31 15:36:44 · answer #7 · answered by tromboneguy_12 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try writing something that rhymes.
2007-01-31 15:35:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
a little macabre, but it takes me back to feelings I had several yaers ago...it's good , i like it
2007-01-31 15:36:59 · answer #9 · answered by big one 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Deja vu, my friend, deja vu.
2007-01-31 15:31:32 · answer #10 · answered by Barbara V 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋