Self-Forgiveness...please explain?

Question

Please explain how I can learn to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made, and therefore letting go of the feelings of guilt, self-hatred, and bitterness in my heart and with that allowing others to forgive me as well.

...God IS Forgiveness and I am a child of God. Therefore the gift of Forgiveness has already been given to me...I just need to accept it. Once I forgive myself, I am allowing others to forgive me as well. Right?...

Answer 1

Self-forgiving is:

Accepting yourself as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.

Letting go of self anger for your past failures, errors, and mistakes.

No longer needing penance, sorrow, and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted, personal offense.

The act of self love after you have admitted your failure, mistake, or misdeed.

The spiritual self healing of your heart by calming self rejection, quieting the sense of failure, and lightening the burden of guilt.

The act of letting go of the need to work so hard to make up for your past offenses


Lack of self forgiveness can result in:

A loss of love for yourself.

Indifference toward yourself and your needs.

An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.

Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self.

Disrespectful treatment of self.

Self-destructive behaviors.

Self-pitying.

Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors, and offenses.

Suspicions about others' motives, behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs when they are accepting of you.

Chronic depression.

Chronic hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism.

Self name calling, belittling, and self demeaning behaviors.

Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.

Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self-esteem.

In order to forgive yourself you need to practice:

Letting go of past hurt and pain.

Trusting in your goodness.

Trusting in the goodness and mercy of your Higher Power to take over the burden for you.

Letting go and letting your Higher Power lead you during a hurtful time.

Believing in the infinite justice and wisdom of your Higher Power.

Letting go of fears for the future.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.

Taking a risk.

Letting go of self hostility, resentment and self-destructive behaviors.

Working out your self anger.

Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward and getting back on the wagon of recovery immediately.

Developing a personal spirituality.

Developing an openness to the belief that you can change.

Developing trust in yourself.

Open, honest, and assertive communication with yourself concerning hurts, pains, and offenses experienced.

Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself.

Steps to develop self-forgiveness
Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive yourself, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal.

A. What do you mean by "self forgiveness''?

B. Have you ever forgiven yourself before? How did it feel?

C. Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?

D. What role do you feel self forgiveness has in your growing down? How could you improve?

E. How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?

F. What are the signs of the absence of self forgiveness in your relationship with your: (1) family of origin, (2) current family, (3) significant others, (4) spouse, (5) children, (6) parents, (7) relatives, (8) friends, (9) coworkers? With whom do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors, or misdeeds? What feedback do you get about this wall you have been hiding behind?

G. What beliefs block your ability to forgive yourself? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?

H. What new behaviors do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive yourself?

I. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive yourself? The lack of it?

J. For what do you need to forgive yourself?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in self forgiveness, you are ready to work on a specific past failure, mistake, error, or misdeed.

A. List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed, or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.

B. How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability, and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this past hurt?

C. What feelings come to mind as you recall this past hurt?

D. How would you describe your role in this past event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser, or rescuer?

E. Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you treated yourself or others?

F. What did this event do to your self-esteem and self worth?

G. Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?

H. Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?

I. Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?

J. How can you forgive yourself?

K. How can you put this incident behind you?

L How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?

Step 3: Once you have thought out how to forgive yourself for this past mistake, failure, error, or event, use this self forgiveness mirror work script. For the next thirty days let go of your self anger, self blaming, self hatred, self disgust, and self-pity over this specific past event by spending time in front of a mirror using this script.

Self Forgiveness Mirror Script

I forgive you for (the past event).
You are a human being subject to making mistakes and errors.

You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you.

This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which you have been given on earth by your Higher Power.

You will meet the challenge and grow by handing the pain and hurt from this problem (past event) over to your Higher Power to take it off your shoulders.

You don't need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of this (past event).

You are a good person. I love you.

You deserve my understanding, compassion, and forgiveness.

You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of this (past event).

Hand the wall over to your Higher Power so you can become more visible to me and others.

I love seeing you, talking to you, and listening to you.

You have within you all you need to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect, and self deservedness.

There is nothing you have ever done that can't be forgiven by me.

You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time.

You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change.

You may have slip ups again but as long as you get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that's good enough for me.

You no longer need to condemn yourself for this (past event).

You are forgiven. I love you and I am so happy to have you in my life.

You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, guilt, self anger, and self hatred over to our Higher Power.

I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain, and guilt over this (past event) lifting from my shoulders.

I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for this (past event).

I know that your Higher Power has forgiven you and I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to it (past event) anymore.

I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long.

You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself.

Let go of this (past event) and know that you are forgiven.

You are a loveable, capable, special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self growth.

Step 4: Once you have forgiven yourself fully over the past incident, repeat Step 3 addressing one at a time all the past or present incidents of hurting self or others for which you need to forgive yourself.

Step 5: When you have exhausted your list of incidents for which you need self-forgiveness, you will be on the road to self-recovery. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Answer 2

If you give a man a superior thing, he will forget the inferior thing. As you said, God is forgiveness, and you are a child of God. Guilt means understanding your position, and forgiveness of the self means being willing to progress from that position. There is no self-hatred. If you hate the self, you are simply forgetting God, because you are part and parcel of God. God doesn't hate Himself, or any fragment of Himself, at any time. Therefore, it is impossible for you to hate yourself without forgetting God. Bitterness is punishing yourself over and over for the same crime. God does not punish you twice for the same crime. The law doesn't even punish you twice for the same crime. Why do you? It is important to give people the opportunity to forgive you, because that is a benefit to them, but you should give yourself the same opportunity. It doesn't matter if other people forgive you, because there may be times when they don't. You are spirit soul also, and God loves you equally with your brother, so it matters only if God forgives you, and He always does.

Answer 3

Well that depends on what you have done. Some things society simply cannot forgive. First off I'd try serving others selflessly. Serving will help you see what others go through, and learn through them. Service can be as simple as helping a single parent get a cart at the grocery store, to volunteering at some type of shelter. You could even whip up a batch of bananna bread and take it to your neighbors. No reasons, no strings..just simple service.
God will forgive you, all you have to do is ask. Remember though, God doesn't want you to be a repeat offender.

Answer 4

Indeed, God can help us to forgive ourselves. And in fact, if we are forgiven by God (which we are so long as we truly repent), then who are we to continue to harbor bad feelings against ourselves? It's almost like saying that we are above God!

But I would agree with you if you believe that self-forgiveness is very difficult. Yes, I believe that many people are sick or mentally ill today because they cannot forgive themselves. I have dealt with these emotions myself, and I know how challenging it can be.

Prayer definitely works. Absolutely.

I wish I knew what to tell you, because the answer to this problem is complex. But basically, try to remember that you are human, and therefore, you are imperfect. We all make mistakes- the best way to help learn self-forgiveness is to draw upon and learn from our errors, and strive to not repeat them.

Excellent, excellent question!

Answer 5

Well forgiving yourself is something that I consider to be one of the hardest things to do in life. Can you forgive yourself for being in an abusive relationship after EVERYONE has told you that it was wrong? Can you forgive yourself for spanking your child when you've made a vow to never hit kids? See? It's completely complicated and hard to forgive oneself for doing something that the one feels wrong. It takes time but it can happen. Alright, everything happens for a reason right? It took me three years to realize that I had to screw up BIG time in order to finally learn from that mistake. You are human and you are going to do some real stupid things. Everyone does. We all do stupid sh** because we are fallible. We learn from them and then move on. Why do you think 50 year old people are so wise? Because they made some stupid mistakes too and learned from it. Just be patient and breathe.

Answer 6

This is a tough one, and you should know that in all the world, you are NOT alone on this one.

The forgiveness of others really has nothing to do with you forgiving yourself. It is proof in that when you receive that forgiveness, you still feel horrible. Only the Lord can help you with this one. Don't seek answers in the world, seek answers in the Word. Do a bible search on "Forgiving self" in your concordance. If you dint have one, I suggest u get one, they are enormously valuable to have alongside daily bible reading and study.

Know that you are still human. Even though "you are a new creation in Christ", you still have a human nature, that will always be contrary to the Spirit of GOD. (Bc' we are all born into sin (Adam and Eve)). Your flesh will always war against your soul, for the flesh is contrary in all ways to the spirit of God. It would be good to use whatever you did as a learning experience, and remember that the LORD does forgive you regardless. I feel for you, as I too have trouble in this area. Just stay in the Word of GOD, and in prayer. You will know the peace of GOD by genuinely seeking HIM everyday, and turning from those things that we know are displeasing to HIM. GOD BLESS YOU! I will keep you in my prayers. <><

Answer 7

You have to let go of the past and move on with the future.

It's possible that your mistakes have hurt others. If this is the case apologize to those you have hurt.

Learn from the mistakes you've made and enjoy the gift of life that God has given you.

Perhaps think about going to group therapy and talking openly and honestly about your mistakes. I'm sure you'll find that there are others in the same situation as you are.

Lastly, everyone makes mistakes, nobody is perfect. You have to choose whether you're going to learn from the mistakes or continue to make them. You've obviously decided to learn from them and for that I commend you.

God Bless.

Answer 8

Think of it like this. If you don't forgive yourself you are questioning the wisdom of the Creator. You wouldn't want to do that, would you? If the Creator can forgive you, surely you can forgive yourself! And allowing others to forgive you would have more weight for them if you asked it first. Being able to admit a mistake, and sincerely apologizing for it, clears the path for reconciliation, or at least closure.

Answer 9

Your question is very deep and valuable. Remaining in guilt can become an excuse to not change. As soon as we replace bad habits with better ones, then I think the forgiving process can begin to take place more quickly, otherwise we are always in need of forgiving ourselves. It sounds to me like you already know in theory what the answer is. Whether others forgive you or not, is another issue. It begins with you, and asking others for forgiveness if you feel you have offended them. If they cannot forgive you, you can still be empathic with them, and let them know that you realize you really hurt them, and ask them if there is anythign you can do to make it better. We could also ask ourselves the same question ! I liked the ladies answer to pray to God to help you forgive yourself. I hope this helps. Your question really got me htinking and is very practical.

Answer 10

Your last sentence is right, how do you want to see the world ? You want people to stare at you accusingly or to feel under pressure for the rest of your life ?

If you keep on living without forgiving yourself, the world outside will do the same, every feeling inside of you add its colour to the world you're used to live in.

It's something inside yourself, and maybe you don't have to forgive yourself actually, don't you believe that you were supposed to do what you did, and even to suffer what you're suffering. And if the lord only wanted to know what it does when you're feeling that way ? What if you were only a messenger ?

Answer 11

If you are ready to come to terms with your sins, or whatever you would like to forgive yourself for, then you will. You need to take responsibility for any hurt you may have caused and clear the air with anyone that may have been effected by your choices. Once you have made peace with all others involved, you will be able to better confront yourself and forgive yourself!

Good luck to you!