OK so my husband of11yrs is asking for space to "find himself". I want to do what he needs but it is so hard. We have 2 kids and have been happy as far as I know. He says he needs space and time. I dont know how much time how much space. I say I will do it but then I ask questions and try to get in and understand his feelings but that just pushes him away even more. I ask if he wants a divorce and he says he is not ready for that but is not sure about his feelings and is in nedd of serious soul searching. So my question is how do I put all of my pain and hurt and concern away and do what he needs. I am affraid the space will make him think I dont care or maybe it will make him realize he is through with our relationship. I guess I am selfish but this is so confusing. How to be supportive without hurting yourself?
2007-01-31 05:41:27 · 11 answers · asked by hedda 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to get some marriage counseling to solve this issue...
2007-01-31 05:49:49 · answer #1 · answered by Back in the game... 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
That isn't fair. His need for space is hurting you. Seems very selfish on his part but it's very common.
I agree with the above posters, get to counselling or prepare for a divorce.
Space usually means he's met someone else. It's a term people use when they don't have the balls to tell the truth.
Remember the "little bow peep: rhyme:
little bow peep lost her sheep and doesn't know where to find them..
LEAVE THEM ALONE.. AND THEY'LL COME HOME
wagging their tails behind them..
Seriously! that's how it works.. trying harder to be nicer and whatever won't work.
Take care of yourself now. Find activities that you enjoy. Join a gym or find a new hobby. Meet new people. Enjoy new "space" of your own. You'll be a lot more attractive to him (and others) if you collect yourself and get out there and do things on your own. Be good to yourself, Hun.. I know it's a rough time. I'm sorry.
2007-01-31 14:04:29 · answer #2 · answered by •√¡rgő• 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After 11 years he suddenly needs a break to "find himself"? Is he going through a mid-life crisis?
That's a tough one. I think he's being selfish by leaving you and your children for this fantasy quest. Have you been having problems lately? Only you know the specifics of why he left, so all you can do is let him be. Just make sure he's not "searching" for a new wife. Your gut should be able to help you on this one.
2007-01-31 13:49:51 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
this is what's happening. he is having second thoughts about marriage. he feels that you're some how nagging and cramping his style. he is not totally determine to throw in the towel just yet. however, he is not communicating with you and address what he is upset about.
my advise to you so let him know that you heard and understand he needs space and time. that you will be here ready to talk when he's ready. men needs their "cave" time. if you rush them or nag them , they will go even further in. in the mean time you should do the same and think about your options. is this the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life. if it comes to the worst, what are you going to do. whatever it is, always put your children first, do not use them as messengers, they did not ask for this, be fair to them and let them have a wonderful childhood. it is time for you to get with your Girlsfriends and support eachother.
2007-01-31 13:53:23 · answer #4 · answered by Sam T 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just love him and give him the space he needs. He may love you for it and ulitmatley he may want to be back with you later... If you dont give him time and space you may end up losing him if you hang on too tight. Let him do his soul searching. This will also give you time and space as well.
2007-01-31 13:56:29 · answer #5 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie I hate to be the bearer of bad news.But when a man says he needs space to "find himself" It usually means he has found someone else.He just doesn't want to tell you in case his new thing doesn't workout he can still go home.It doesn't mean that is defiantly what is happening to you.But you need to take steps to protect yourself and your well being.It never hurts to do a little digging into what he is been up to.
2007-01-31 15:19:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ouch...this cannot be easy for you at all.
He married you, had kids with you, and now I am afraid he is working up the courage to leave you.
I know when a woman tells me she 'Needs to find herslef' It usually means she needs to find herself in the arms of another man. When she says she needs space and time it means 'She needs space and time to sleep with other people'.
Now I never thought I would hear a grown man using such weak excuses but I am afraid to tell you my hunch is it still applies.
I think you can be 'supportive' all you want in this situation and still end up losing.
If it was me I would tell him he can have all the space and time he wants...out of the house and on his own.
Tell him he is welcome back once he 'Finds himself'
The soul searching should have been done over 11 years ago. Now he feels an itch and wants you to be 'patient and supportive' while he scratches it.
Don't take my harsh words for lack of sympathy. My heart goes out to you and I HAVE been there personally so maybe my words reflect my feelings.
Good luck.
2007-01-31 13:48:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
Get marriage counseling. Space is the first step towards divorce
2007-01-31 13:52:00 · answer #8 · answered by Violet Pearl 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You said he wants space. Then you said you'd give it to him. Then you said you "ask questions and try to get in". He needs to be left alone. Don't ask. Don't try to get in. Just be available if he wants to talk.
2007-01-31 13:49:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Move out of his place.
2007-01-31 13:47:44 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋