My ExHusband Doesnt want any contact with his kids ?

Question

How do I explain it to them they are 9 and 11

Answer 1

I have experienced this exact situation, except I was the child whose father wanted nothing to do with myself or my sister after my parents divorce. Be honest and upfront with your kids, but try to deliver the news with as little opinion as possible. I am sure you are burning up inside with rage and hurting for your children, but try not to pass those feelings along to them. Just let them know that you love them and will always be here for them. It might be wise to check into counseling for your kids, as a lot of kids that age do not or aren't aware of how to talk about their feelings, and might express them in ways that are not the best. It's a hurtful situation, and I can remember it like it was yesterday. After gaining years on the situation, I look back now and appreciate my mom's honesty and support, and realize that I didn't need the "love" I felt I did from my dad if he wasn't willing to give it. Just make sure and be there for your children, do the best you can. Good luck, I know this is a very painful situation.

Answer 2

Mine are 10 and 12 and havent seen their father in a year. I have been honest with my kids only because they know the court battle I have been through because their own father told them everything. Because he had such little respect for them, he was ordered to undergo psychological evaluation before he could see his kids again. That was a year ago and he hasnt even attempted to get help for his desire to mentally abuse his children.

So to answer your question, it all depends on what your kids are aware of and how pointed their questions are. Maybe tell them that their dad is going through something right now and it is not their fault. It is a really hard thing for kids to deal with so just be sure not to talk bad about their father because it will turn them against you. Kids already feel guilty enough when their parents dont love each other anymore and hopefully their father will change his attitude and put his children first before himself.

Answer 3

If he refuses to talk to them at all then it's best that you stay away from talking negative about your ex. Let them know that you are trying to make contact with him for them but that it is his decision. Comfort them and find ways to feel the void that he is causing.(not by finding a new man) but by doing outside activities invite some of their friend over and have a sleep over. Remain always ready for the effect of what he is causing to spring up. When it does love, cry and hug each other. Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you start to notice some acting out try to find a creditable counselor that can help deal with the hurting feelings. Good luck

Answer 4

Just like you did here.... lots of guys are simply sperm donors, and have no idea how to parent, nor the desire to learn. Don't make excuses for him, nor defend him nor bad mouth him...."I have no idea, kids, why.... maybe someday he will tell you... in the mean time, get on with your lives, do well in school and....yadadaydayday"

It is not your job to form opinions for them...they will and need to do that themselves.

I wouldn't suggest you do any of the aggressive things mentioned by the above respondents.... it is not your job to put him on the spot, nor to act aggressively toward him, nor to put your children on the spot.... don't do that, hon... You will cause more harm to your children's egos that any good that could possibly come from it.... work out the scenario yourself, as to what he might say.... unpleasant and awkward at best for him and particularly for them...

Worst case scenario is that he hangs up. Best case scenario is he would say something like, "I'll try to get by to see you next week --- I'll call" thereby raising their hopes, and letting them down big time when he never calls and never shows.....

Answer 5

I disagree with the popular opinion that you should have your ex tell them. They need to be surrounded by all the love the world has to offer when they become aware of this painful reality. They do not need to be told by someone who does not care or is the source of their pain.

You are the one who is completely aware of the situation, you need to free up some time on a weekend (believe me, you do not want to do this on a school night) and have a heart to heart talk with them. This is not going to be easy for them and even more difficult for you. You need to make sure they know they have you and they can always count on you and you will be both their mother and father. They need to know that.

I am going to assume they have friends in school with whom they are going to talk about this, so their little minds are going to be filled with a lot of fears and ideas. Expect some rebellion, I am sorry to say so.

For you, once you are absolutely sure of his decision, I think it would be better to cut all ties with your ex-husband. If he does not want to have anything with his children now, you certainly do not want him coming back to cause further pain to them. My heart goes out for you and I wish you luck.

Answer 6

Tell that idiot to grow a pair and explain it to them himself!!!

If you say anything, the kids will think you were behind it and will disrespect you on all levels. Let them know you can't speak for their dad, but let them know it hurts you and makes you just as angry too.

Unless he signs over his parental rights, I'd make sure all child support payments were garnished from his paycheck.

Answer 7

Make sure you get financial support from your ex.
I think that you can tell the kids he is in a different country, when they are a bit older, sit them down and tell them the truth, say that you can not choose your parents, and their father is not a very nice man. It's better that they know that you are there for them, while there deadbeat dad is not.

Answer 8

This would be so hard to have to explain to kids that are suppose to be being "just kids". Keep them busy, keep their days and weeks occupied with things they enjoy doing. It'll be your ex's that ends up loosing in the long run. Good Luck and God Bless you!

Answer 9

you should not have to explain this let the ex husband do it . he is the one who does not want to have contact so he should be the one explaining it . do you know why he does not want contact ? I dont understand how someone can bring children into this world and not want contact with them .Please make an effort to make him face them and tell them . And if he wont then you tell him you are not going to do his dirty work for him . good luck and I will pray for you and your kids.

Answer 10

They are old enough to understand, but it will still hurt. You need to get them in therapy (try a local Seven Counties) and let them know that no matter what you are never going to give them up.