11 year marriage, 3 kids and I do not know if I love my wife.?

Question

We get along ok. No fighting, abuse of any kind or anything. I just do not feel like I used to. We got married when we were 23 and 22. Both of us have changed so much. With our current personalitys at 34 and 33 we would most likely not be anything more than passing friends if we meet today. She is a stay at home mom. We both agreed to have children wich I love and am very happy we had. I will never leave her while they are still at home. They are more important than anything else in either of our lifes. I do not know how she feel but I would guess it is the same. I feel bad sometimes becouse I feel this way. We have been through most of our 20,s and 30's together all the hard times and good times that come with that. But what can you do when you no longer feel that connection. She is no longer the person that I turn to first in hard times, that I feel like I can count on no matter what, and that I know will understand me. Anyone else with this kind of experiance?

Answer 1

Brian,

We are the about the same age. I have been married 10 years- 3 children 6, 5 and 1. I feel the exact same way. I love her and she loves me, just differently than in the beginning. I just asked a similiar question last week. A lot of the answers were great, but didn't solve the problem or concern.

I think we have to look at what has changed for us first, job, weight, locations, outlooks, careers. Then we can see what she is going through. Women are much more emotional and we are physical--just a fact. Is it a physical thing? Mine is both. We have both gained some pounds- especially after the children. If it physical- consider the two of you joining a gym and working out together. It is really helping us.

Are you getting time to talk or go on a date? We haven't done that much, but are attempting to improve that side. You need your alone time. You need to be able to talk like adults without kids interrupting. (they always do somehow).

Don't give up. Remember the beautiful women she was and still is inside. You can get the fire and excitement back with a little nourishment. It is much better than the alternative.

I hope this helps. We can do this man. I am right there with you. It may just be a mid-life crisis thing. Let's both push through to the promise land. We can make it. Good Luck.

Answer 2

What's most important right now is that you are faithful to her, you are a good father to your children and that you don't harbor any secrets. Think about this....would you rather see your wife with some other guy raising your kids? It's a painful thought and I'm going through that now b/c of a decision I made years ago. The key to your problem is you need to put more of a "spark" back in your relationship with your spouse. Plan a nice weekend getaway for just the two of you. Maybe plan a "date night" once every 2 weeks so you two can rekindle your romance. Make her the most important person and the person you CAN turn to in times of need. I'm not sure about your religious status, but make sure that you and your family attend services regularly and do things together. You'll be much happier when the kids have moved out and you and your spouse can enjoy being grandparents and best friends. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 3

This story is a bit typical.
To me it seems that this is a result of forgetting that you were once a loving couple. The arrival of children often diverts attention away from the good things that you once had. Things like courting, dates, love , affection and plain old romance. Granted children take a lot of time and energy. But it also seems way to easy to forget that a relationship takes nurturing much like the children. At some point you turn around and ask who is this person who I'm living with. It all has to do with each partners view of their role as parent and provider.
You may find that your wife is feeling much the same way.
Try to generate some couple time for a while. Go on a date. Go where you can talk. Make a rule to talk about anything EXCEPT
kids, the house, money and all the day to day things. Talk about
books, politics, philosophy whatever. The stuff you talked about before kids.
Make sure to set aside some time daily for each other. Shut out the distractions. Put the kids to bed and spend some strictly couple time.
Try this and you might find that you reconnect and actually like each other.
Don't allow your marriage to wilt and die due to indifference.
Give it a chance to rekindle.
Trust me when I tell you that your kids will be much better off if you focus your efforts on your relationship and stay together in a loving home that they will in a kids come first state of indifference to your wife.

This is a hard lesson to learn. Many do not learn it and stay together " for the children" or divorced. Teach your kids how to stay a couple. They will thank you for that when its their turn.
This attitude also makes it easier to deal with the outside issues which cause problems. You two against the world.
The " kids come first" attitude neglects that the couple should come first. The couple was required for the kids and is even more necessary to raise them in a functional family.

Life was much easier when we figured it out. Now that the kids are at school we are enjoying our time together instead of getting ready to move out.

Been there.

Answer 4

I've been in my relationship for 5 years, we have no kids but I know what you mean. It takes work to keep a relationship fresh and feeling good all the time. Have you ever expressed this to your wife? Maybe somewhere down the line you lost that connectiona nd it can be found again. You just both need to be willing to step up to the plate. Maybe think about marriage counseling or one on one counseling. A marriage this long should be fought for. Not every marriage is perfect, but if you give up before trying to renew those feelings or rediscover each other then shame on you both.

Good luck with this.

Answer 5

You need to understand that the love you felt in the early years of your marriage was the "new love" stage. You grow as people and unless you make an effort to grow together, you will drift apart emotionally (like you've described).

BUT, all is not lost! All it takes to get back the connection is to make time for each other. Talk to your wife and tell her that you miss the "sparks" You know you love her in the sense of all the shared experiences and raising your kids....but you want to fall "IN LOVE" again...and given that you have so much invested in each toher and your lives together it only makes sense to try to fall in love with each toher again.

This is a typical situation, but the response is not typical.

You can't just wait for you kids to grow up to make your break. Think of what message that says to the kids "Live a lie, until the timings right.." NAH. What kind of situation does that leave your wife in later on.....house wife for 20+ years, no skills, and she's not exactly in her prime anymore......That's not fair either!

You owe it to yourself to get to know your woman again in the context of her being a WOMAN, not a wife or a mommy. If you can look at her like that, and still appreciate all she does, and start to date her again....you will find that finding the spark isn't that hard after all!

Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 6

You must be going through some real hard times now, if you can't confide in your wife of 11 years and 3 children later. If you don't turn to her in hard times, then to whom do you turn? Why do you think you can't count on her, and why wouldn't she understand you. I think that if you sit back and think about why your married her you will understand some things better. Try taking a weekend with your wife and make it only the two of you, try going out once a week just the two of you. You and your wife probably need to reconnect. Don't give up on your marriage, for the sake of yourself, her and your children. You made a commitment, stick to it and do what you have to do to make it work!

Answer 7

It seems like the downfall in your marriage is communication and sadly that's the culprit to most. I feel you should talk with your wife and try to find a solution, don't know if you want to work this out but staying in a mariage just because of your kids is the wrong idea. I understand the logic to it but it's unhealthy for you and your wife and definately your kids. Kids see everything. You either want to work it out for the long haul or you don't. And if your wife knows nothing of the way your feeling, the longer you wait the worse it's going to be. I feel that you should either seperate or get some counseling together if you both want to work this out for the long haul. Good luck to you......

Answer 8

If you feel a disconnect, then, reconnect! It's not rocket science. Spend more time together. Take up a mutual activity, whether it's martial arts, tennis lessons, or gym membership. Get a good babysitter and go on dates once or twice a week. Take the kids with you and do volunteer work one Saturday a month at a homeless shelter. Eat dinner together, at the table, at least 3 nights/week. Send each other emails through the day, just to say "Hi" and "I love you". It can be done. All it takes is a willingness to expend a bit of effort, and the payoff of increased intimacy is fantastic!

Answer 9

This is something you can change. You have to turn your attention inward, back toward your wife and marriage.

I was married for 24 years to a lovely man and hit just this spot at about 10 years into our marriage. Perhaps it's typical, I don't know. It does take effort to change it.

I only know that if I had given up when I had those feelings I would have been divorced. Instead we went to therapy. He was the one who refused to give in and because he did we enjoyed another 14 years of happily married life. Unfortunately he took his own life two years ago but I am still happy for the time we did have together. We had a son and he was able to grow up in a stable and happy home because his father refused to give in to feelings of boredom and lack of love.

I discovered that I had not really fallen "out of love" but simply had stopped showing it. When I started actively loving him again I began to feel it myself. It was backward from the way I thought. I had to show it to feel it rather than feel it to show it. It was a case of acting "as if" until the feeling returned, and it did return. Our marriage was even stronger, our feelings for one another even stronger, our sex life even more erotic than it had been even in the beginning.

The last 14 years of our marriage were the best of our married life (with the exception of the last 2 in which he was very ill).

Sometimes it is best not to just go on your feelings. You may find that if you work on it you might be able to get back more than what you have lost. I encourage you to not give up just yet. There is always time to get a divorce, to throw in the towel. There may only be one chance to try hard. You may feel better down the road if you can look back and say you did your very best.

Answer 10

I know what you mean but have no idea why this happens or what to do to fix it. Ever since me and my had some problems about a year ago, I feel like I don't love her the way I used to and it was so beautiful in the beginning it's depressing the way I feel now. I still care about her and most of our problems have subsided but I just don't have that same kind of love.

I wish you all the best. I hope you find the answer to this puzzle.