my husband never takes the initiative to make love to me. i am frustrated and have tried to understand and talk to him about my needs, but it just does not change. i am 36, he is 37, we are healthy and okay with life, married for almost ten years, could this be the reason? i have a high sex drive, i could make love every night. but now i have to reduce my appetite, control myself, and wait until i cannot hold the need anymore. i sometimes have the feeling i have to "rape" him to get satisfied. this is very frustrating. last time we spoke he just said that it's because he does not think about sex, but he's not alone in the marriage. and having sex when we want to is one reason people get married. is it really possible for a man to stay without sex for a month? i am sure that if i was able to resist it, he could just stop having sex altogether. I do not really know what to do. I am not even sure he is taking it serioulsy and understanding how it affects me, my feminity and happiness.
2007-01-31 03:12:38 · 33 answers · asked by Lisa 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
- ok, guys, am turning down all your offers, it was not the point. i am married and have no intention to be unfaithful.
- how much satisfaction can you really get by self masturbating? it only builds my frustration up.
- yes i take care of myself, in fact, i find it hard to believe when i hear compliments about my beauty. men find me attractive. but i hardly hear a compliment at home.
- i have tried everything, pleasing him, focusing on giving him pleasure (and i can tell he likes what i do 100%); things tend to get better for a week, then it falls again under complete lethargy. now i am tired of trying. i want to feel desired and wanted.
- i stay late watching TV because i know nothing will happen in the bedroom and i'd rather not build hope and then be disappointed.
-i have been very opened to him about how i feel. he just listens and does not say much. do not want him to feel under pressure, so i keep it to myself as much as i can.
2007-01-31 04:03:07 · update #1
This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed quickly. If not, it could lead to infidelity or divorce. Please talk to him some more and hopefully he will see the light. Counseling could be an option. What ever you do, do it fast or it will only get worse!
2007-01-31 03:20:54 · answer #1 · answered by Back in the game... 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I'm certainly no doctor nor psychologist, so my comments are based on the assumption that you both get regular medical checkups and are healthy human beings. Maybe he's stressed at work, who knows.
First, Lisa, you cannot change him no matter how much you try, nor can you win the game of love by keeping score and demanding satisfaction on your own terms. So either acquiesce to a life of dissatisfaction or broaden your focus. Here's how. Sometimes if something's not happening, you just have to take matters into your own hands. You can do that by taking control of your own sex life and subtly and consistently become the initiator, not by begging, not by cajoling, nor by nagging. Just silently, slowly, without words, and without showing any emotion, go down on him. Do this consistently every night (or whatever quiet convenient time you choose). Don't talk or express impatience in any way, just pleasure him. In a few days, or a week, he will become the aggressor and you will be the happy recipient of some feverish hot lovemaking. Fact is, he'll be convinced it's his own macho libido that's making things happen.
Good Luck
(Realistically speaking, in what other situation is the woman COMPLETELY in control of her man??? What more could you ask for than to have the power to give or not give pleasure?)
2007-01-31 03:41:30 · answer #2 · answered by snvffy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to keep talking to him about this. He might have a medical condition that gives him a low sex drive. I am sure he finds you attractive etc. It's not enough for him to say he just doesn't think about sex and he needs to realise this. Sounds like he has problems talking about it, and this is part of the problem. Was your sex life ever good? If so take it back to basics. I'm not saying he's not satified in bed, but perhaps for a while he was unhappy with something and didn't tell you and now he has switched off. I know some guys who have a low drive, not just girls, and there are many reasons for this. You have to be prepared to work at it together and he has to admit there is a problem. Or it will never go away.
2007-01-31 04:15:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hey, don't take this the wrong way but the reason for this, in my humble & blind opinion is that it's down to both of you.
Yes it is possible for guys to go without sex & have a low sex drive. Mine for example fluctuates with weather, stress levels, age, boy to girl ratio and even the availability of food & water!
He. Is. Lazy.
It's not your fault that he chose to be lazy but, evolution can blame you for the fact that he is.
Such behavior is why God/evolution created jealousy. I don't mean this in a bad way, it's human nature. Now that he's comfortable & doesn't feel like he's in competition with anything, he's starting to relax. Some guys display this relaxation by not bathing, peeing away from the toilet bowl, farting freely and getting fat and others exhibit this condition by relaxing with sex.
You need to allow him the discomfort of beign jealous. I think it will be good for you. Make yourself desirable to others, be aware of other men around him. Not in a way that makes you look cheap of course! All i'm saying is; don't reserve your power over men just for him, influence others too.
I would also be disgusted though I have been in his situation, where i'm tired & I don't feel sexy for a month or so. I have also been in your situation, where I think my partner's just being too lax.
In short my suggestion to you is this: it is within your marriage rights to make other people jealous.
2007-01-31 09:36:03 · answer #4 · answered by Can I Be Your Pet? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a very serious problem. You must be feeling really rejected and frustrated and lonely. I think you should tell him that its crunch time and you want to see a therapist about it. There is always a solution. Funny enouch someone else mentioned the husband masturbating too much. I know this could be a problem from previous experience. Also is he really stressed at work? This could be resulting in the low libido.
2007-01-31 05:56:46 · answer #5 · answered by Lucy Lake 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well he must have a very low sex drive. Some guys just think it is boring. I have this 20 year old that hangs out at my house all the time and that what he says, it is boring.
I told her to get some play toys and take care of it herself, before she ends up cheating on him. So maybe you need to do that also have your husband go with you or kept it to yourself. If it was the other way around he wouldn't think twice about masterbating now would he.
2007-01-31 03:35:05 · answer #6 · answered by Emptiness 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Been there, done that! My ex...could be cool without sex for weeks, and months. I was so unhappy, and let him know. He just did nothing about it. I could not believe he did not want me. We went to counseling, and he did not change. I asked him to hold my hand after counseling one night, and he said "no, that is what you expect"! What a loser. Unfortunately, your husband has his own issues. This sweetie, has nothing to do with you. You will have to decide if it is something you can live with, because people generally do not change. I pray for you, because as I lived it, I know how painful it is. PS I divorced him 8 years ago, best thing I ever did, and am now married to a man that is exactly right for me!
God Bless!
2007-01-31 03:29:51 · answer #7 · answered by Angel333... 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You would be much happier if you behaved more assertively. You equate initiating sex with raping, but rape = aggression, not assertiveness. Ask for what you want, when you want it. Too few women state their desires assertively, and it is a simple thing to do that will get easier once you get used to doing it 3 or 4 times a week (as a compromise to his desired 0 times).
2007-01-31 03:28:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you poor girl, look its time for what the americans call affermative action! Go on holiday together, even a short citybreak, do something you enjoy together, rebuild that communication you used to have to the point where you can tell him that you are frustrated and he will take u seriously and also do somethign about it! personally i wouldnt recommend spending time appart, but if you think your relationship is strong enough for it, spend a few weeks away from him using some excuse as opposed to a trial sepperation, if it is really making you that miserable you need to do somethign about it, hope it works out for you, goodluck
2007-01-31 09:05:49 · answer #9 · answered by docsaj 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I TRULY understand your situation! I went through the same thing myself not that many years ago, and it will drive you "up a wall". I thought she didn't like sex...turned out she just didn't like having sex with me. She moved out, and moved in with another man later. I denied myself sex, and pleasure all those years, for her to just non- chalantly give it to another man. Your husband could be doing the same, or he could have a medical condition that makes him not want sex. Either way, I suggest you get him the help he needs, or you get a divorce. Don't waste your life like I did! Good Luck!!
2007-01-31 03:25:06 · answer #10 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your husband could be under stress from work or depression of some kind both of which would lower his sex drive.
I hope you can both work through this because you sound like a very understanding wife, and there are very few of these in the world.
2007-01-31 03:24:19 · answer #11 · answered by Loader2000 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋