I have been living with a man whom I dearly love and cherish for the past ten months, as well as with my teenaged daughter. My man is wonderful to me in every single way and I love him with all of my heart. The problem is this.........
He has PTSD as he is a Vietnam veteran. He worked out almost every issue while in treatment for 15 years, except that he needs a lot of solitude and quiet and little drama to maintain his equilibrium. He is retired now and works on projects during the day while I am at work, but my daughter comes home from school at 2:30 and starts with her teenaged problems (clothes, boys, school, etc...)
She is a typical teenaged girl who dresses in jeans and band T-shirts and wears dark eyeliner and black nail polish. Her interests right now include MySpace, her friends and rock groups period. I understand that this is just a phase and she will grow out of it, but her teenaged issues as far a sex and boys and how she dresses are major stressors (more)
2007-01-31 02:56:39 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I truly do understand him and I love him for many reasons. He is completely unselfish and would never ask me to give my daughter up to her father to raise, but I know that he feels trapped my her needs and because she is constantly around.
I really want to let her go back to her father. She is nearly out of high school (two more years) and will be going off to college, but the stress that having her around causes on my guy (and me too) is too much to bear.
I know that there are a lot of self-riteous people out there who will say that I should have no life of my own and should devote myself totally to my child, but a love like this comes around only once in a lifetime and if I lost him because he couldn't cope with the stress it would kill me.
Yes, I have spoken to mt daughter ad nauseum, but she feels that SHE is more important and sees no reason to moderate her behavior.
What would you do?
2007-01-31 03:01:57 · update #1
I would never give up a child of mine for a man, no matter how much I loved him. Perhaps you should consider giving him up, or at least living separately.
P.S. This is a time when a girl needs her mother the most. If you give her up now, you'll be giving her up forever!
2007-01-31 03:03:52 · answer #1 · answered by mstrywmn 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hi there. I am answering this as the daughter of a Vietnam Vet with PTSD, among other Vietnam related mental illnesses. Life with my father was miserable, always having to be quiet, and worrying about when the next time he might snap would be. Even after years of treatment, including hospitalizations, he has never recovered.
That being said, it is no way to live life, constantly having her monitor her behavior to make sure that he has things the way he needs to maintain. It is one thing to be respectful of someone else, it is another to not allow her to be free in her own home. If he truly is the love of your life, I would have your daughter go live with her father. It isnt fair to her that your man has PTSD. But I suspect you will never be able to recover the relationship with your daughter. You will be sacrificing your daughter for him. I do hope it doesnt work out like that, but I remember teenage years, and my father and his choices. And the choices my stepmother made. I wish you the best, and please feel free to email me.
2007-01-31 03:24:06 · answer #2 · answered by an88mikewife 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't get how her liking myspace and being a teenager all-around is causing such havoc in your house. Your "man" sounds uptight and unreasonable if he's going to let this be a major stressor in your relationship.
Does your daughter want to live with her father, or do you just want her out of your way? You sound completely selfish. Part of having kids is dealing with their little quirks, whether it's boys or myspace or black nails, who cares? She's still your child. You don't just pawn her off for fear of her getting on your boyfriend's nerves.
2007-01-31 03:27:23 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No I would not do that! I am afraid that would create conflict between you two and I don't care what kind of man he is to you, he will stay on your terms! That means, your daughter stays! Trust me on this one. Unless she really wants to go to her dad's, I would tell your man he has to deal or leave! It really doesn't matter how much stress you will be under if he leaves. When you became a mother, you gave up those rights until she moves out!
If he really loves you, he wouldn't even let you think like that in the first place!
2007-01-31 03:04:43 · answer #4 · answered by jacksonblonde 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hi
Your daughter needs you now and I implore you not to send her to live with her dad just because your new partner prefers it that way. You and your daughter are a package. He met you and fell in love with you knowing your daughter was on the scene. I understand that he may have some problems but its only natural that your daughter wishes to chatter about her 'things', such as boys, fashion etc. This is all part of growing up. Do not miss out on these precious years. And please do not damage your daughter by rejecting her in favour of your new partner. Try to come to some sort of compromise.
2007-01-31 03:08:43 · answer #5 · answered by Bitzer Maloney 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you gave birth to her and gave a promise to take care of her and stay bie her all those thing a mother should do you never give your child to a ex spouse or anybody for that fact just so you can have your life because you are a mother if you did'nt want to go threw with all the drama that comes with children then you should have not opend your legs your daughter is more inporten than a man so if you would rather pick him over her you are nothing but a stupid inmatrue selfish *****....
2007-01-31 03:05:53 · answer #6 · answered by mommaof42007 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You became her mom before Mr. Wonderful came along. Kicking her out to live with dad so you can be with Mr. Wonderful will only kill any relationship you have with your daughter because this plainly tells her that you love this new love more than her.
If this guy is as great as you say, he will wait until your daughter is old enough to leave home before finding solitude in the home that belonged to your daughter first.
2007-01-31 03:04:32 · answer #7 · answered by thezaylady 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To me they're all very diverse (nicely as quickly as I did have an substantial different) Love takes many varieties and has many tiers. i've got faith the affection we sense for our babies is between the indoors maximum and is likewise an unconditional style of love. or in my international that's, guess it relies upon on the guy. Ive considered females do loopy issues for the affection of a guy without regards to her babies. only like the affection I even have for my mom, Father, and Brother is unconditional.. we would argue, butt heads, yet we continually giggle and forgive. in line with threat I only havent found the guy that i will extremely love unconditionally? or is it even obtainable? i'm so sorry.. dang i'm gonna cry lower back. Wow i'm a wimp x 10 ((((((Frenzy)))))) Cinn =)
2016-11-23 17:24:45 · answer #8 · answered by vanwagoner 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hold it right there ok this is the love or life who has this health problem. now you have only known him 10 months but you have known your daughter her whole life. she is a teenager she needs a mother now more than ever. Talk to her but don't relenquish custody to you ex. If you really love him you should put him in an assisted living facility. If you give up you daughter just because this guy you "love" is terminal then what kind of mother are you. if you are willing to give up all rights to your daughter becuase this love of your life can't take a ltittle stress.
2007-01-31 03:05:07 · answer #9 · answered by purplepurp21 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're her mother, and she needs you in her life, especially at this time. Your allegiance is to your daughter. When she's 18 and ready to lead her own life, then you and your sweetie can live together. In the meantime, you're not done raising your daughter, and giving her to your ex could mean issues for her later in life. Never choose men over your child. If he's the love of your life, he'll still be there when she's 18.
2007-01-31 03:03:49 · answer #10 · answered by flygirl 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋