Divorce whoppers, just me or is this really bad?

Question

My sister is divorcing her husband. He is a really good guy and I never saw her happier than when she was with him, so it is sad.

Anyway she feels I am being judgemental and unsuportive. I would like to know what others think.

She: Let her husband get a vasectomy 4 weeks before she told him they were getting a divorce even though she has been preparing with the help of her lawyers for over a year.
I think this isn't fair to do.

She got an abortion because "I didn't want four children" (She has two, the third would have been the one she got rid of, and the fourth of course is her husband. (She is now getting divorced apparantly because he wasn't supportive enough of her after she had her abortion) I consider this to be a "spite-bortion" is this fair? I'm pretty pro-choice, but surely you can't have an abortion just to spite your husband or to make a point in an argument?

Any way am I way offf base here? Should I be more supportive of my sister's life choices?

Answer 1

I honestly dont think your way off base here. Just because its your sister, doesnt mean you always have to support her choices. It was selfish for her to do that, i hope she knows that the "child" suffered because of her wanting to make a point. The point it seems to me is she needs some kind of help, if she thought that was right. There has to be something else going on with this for her to want to divorce him. Good guys are hard to come by these days, so what happened for her to be uhappy? She seems to be alittle "controlling" also. Having her husband get a vasectomy and being in the process of talking to laywers? that definitley isnt fair at all. I mean really i think you need to sit down and have a talk with your sister, it sounds like someting else is really going on here, maybe she just really needs to open up to someone. No one has a abortion, just becaue they dont want 4 children. She could have given it up for adoption or something. What husband would be supportive of their wife getting an abortion, that was a life, his child that just went down the tubes because of her having some kind of life issue. I hope this helps you, and i hope your sister gets help also. No one should get an abortion just to be spiteful, no one should even be spiteful. Because look what happened out of it, a child lost its life. I wouldnt support that at all.

Answer 2

There are always 3 sides to every story; his, hers, the truth.

If your sister has a track record of being spiteful; even outside of the marriage and other male/female relationships then I'd have a hard time supporting her with a clear conscious knowing what she is capable of.

If she tends toward the spiteful side and you have regular contact with her just be honest about your feelings and roll with her reaction, she is not in control of you or your happiness, only you are. It's really her life she's messing up; you are pretty much just another observer and sometime participant due to circumstances.

From the two complaints she has about people not being "supportive" it sounds like she's a bit high maintenance and expects way more of people than she really should.

Her choice was her choice and if you really are pro-choice then regardless of her reasons it's not for you to say one way or another about it. Spite is a very nasty thing; one day she will get as good as she gives and may regret the decisions she has made out of spite or otherwise.

And for the record, medical advances have improved upon the vasectomy reversal process; but it's not as easy as having the intial vasectomy...just in case you are worried about your b-i-l.

As for her doing that to him that was just a cold blooded ***** thing to do. Sorry; even if he was dippin' it in everything in town, it's still wrong. How would she feel if she had a tubal and then he dumped her right after?

Answer 3

You're better off canceling a wedding than to go ahead and make a huge mistake. You have made some very valid and serious points that lead me to question the potential for success. There is a huge age gap that will make an enormous difference, especially as time goes on. I married a man 14 years my senior and while initially there didn't appear to be an age gap, it became wider as time went on. I wanted to have children in my 30's while he was approaching 50 and contemplating retirement. We didn't have kids which was good as the marriage ended. If you had a child in the next year or so, you would be close to 60 when the child was only 10. That single decision would not only have an impact on your day-day life, but also your retirement and financial outlook. You can't ignore these things, especially in this economic climate. It's not like you're 25 years old and can recover from financial mistakes. She could have an ooops pregnancy, too. The fact that you're fighting a lot and can't see eye to eye indicates a lack of compatibility, essential for a successful relationship. It is possible to feel love for someone who isn't all that good for you. I think you need to call off the wedding ASAP. It probably wouldn't hurt you to also talk to a financial planner to get a painful wake up call. You might want to consider someone out of the child bearing years who looks hot.

Answer 4

unfortunately people do crazy things to the person they swore to love and cherish forever when they want out.....sounds like this may be what happened here with the vasectomy ..........it was probably just spiteful......but the only two people with that answer are your sister and her husband....as for the abortion....I don't think a woman would make that choice out of spite........I am pro-life.....but i think even women who are pro-choice take abortion a little more seriously than that.....but that is only my opinion........she told you her reason was that she did not want to raise another child be it 2 or 3........... and no matter what your stance pro-choice or pro-life.......... the law states that a woman has the right to decide.......... and that's what she did......she is your sister and while i think you have every right to disagree with her choices ....i do think you can be supportive ..............the one thing I have learned in my life is that appearances can be deceiving and what can be all smiles on the outside can hide terrible sadness inside......no-one but your sister and her soon to be ex know what their marriage was like behind closed doors......and if she really was happier than you had ever seen her then there would be no reason for her to leave.......so odds are something was going on either with her emotionally or with the relationship......anyway....i guess i am rambling.....my point is support your sister....divorce is hard .....even on the person who filed......i know i'm divorced and i set it in motion.....i divorced because of extreme abuse and everyone thought we had the perfect relationship.....you don't have to agree with her life choices to love and support her.

Answer 5

To start with Abortion is murder. If she didn't want another child
why didn't she give the baby to a couple who can't have kids?
Where was she when her husband needed her after he had this surgery which he probably did to make her happy? I don't blame the husband for not being happy I'm only surprised he didn't leave
her first! Don't take me wrong but, it sounds like your sister is a
self centered B***H ! I don't think you're off base at all! If you
don't agree with your sisters decisions or choices I would not only
disagree I'd make it known!

Answer 6

I just realized you just asked about a sister you need to stay away from. From the sounds of both of your questions, she has serious psychological problems and having the abortion was probably a blessing in her case (you said she may abouse her other children). I wouldn't harp on what she does. As for her husband getting a vasectomy, he shouldn't have had it done if he wasn't sure if he was done having children. Going by your questions she is an emotionally unstable person and he had to know his marriage was in jeopardy. He may not want anymore children and that's why he did it. Just chalk all of this up to evidence that she is psychotic and move on with your life.

Answer 7

I would suggest, as your sister or not, to be supportive and forgiving. By being supportive and forgiving of her, you do not necessarily have to support her actions. We can love someone even if we do not agree with things they have done or are doing.

You have the right to have moral issues with some of her actions, but if we are to be the individuals we should be, we should always care about and support those around us, family or not.

I am Christian, and whether you are or not, some basic principles I believe always help in relationships with anyone are that we should never be judgmental (despite how easy it is to be - for me as well), we should always be forgiving (though that doesn't mean we ignore others wrongdoings either) and we should always try and be there for others in a loving and caring way. When it comes to relationships with others, as a believer or not, the Bible has some amazing thought provoking ideas that many do not realize.

Answer 8

I can see your point. I think she is doing some things just to spite him. I've never been divorced (or married for that fact) so I'm not sure how I would react in her situation. She may not be thinking clearly. My best advice is just to be there for her. I know her decisions are hard for you to swallow but she is going through a difficult time and probably needs her sister. You can even say to her "I don't agree with your choices, but I'll be here for you no matter what. I can't imagine what you are going through." I don't think at this time she is looking for someone to either be pro or con of her choices...just people to be there. I'm pro-choice myself but wouldn't knock someone else's opinions on the issue. We're all free to have our opinion. You're not off base. You can agree to disagree but still be there for her. Good luck to you both!

Answer 9

Whoa, there has to be more to this, there are always two sides to every story and I am pretty sure you don't have the whole story. Based on what you said, I think the vasectomy was wrong unless he wanted it no matter what. ultimately that was his choice and he knew that he could not have more children with ANY women. The abortion thing well that seems pretty selfish and heartless on her behalf, but I am not sure if that would constitute her reason for divorcing him.

Answer 10

She has no respect for her husband possibly because he is not telling her what she needs to hear and that is that he loves her. Women need to hear that constantly to be happy. She is dealing with feelings of guilt over her abortion and it was a silly thing to do. In a sense I think she is holding him accountable. WOmen never overcome abortion, they always wonder what the child would have looked like. To commit murder is a terrible thing. Pray for her and him and maybe even go so far as to give her the book LOVE AND RESPECT by Dr Emerson Eggerichs